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How do I get my BF to stop helping me clean?
I do basically all the housework - which I am totally okay with. I don't resent my boyfriend at all that I do all the day to day cleaning. He's not a lazy guy or anything, and there are lots of reasons our lives work out that way right now. If things change in the future and I'd like him to take more on, I'll talk to him about it.
But right now, I really, truly am happy just like this.
My problem is that when jobs require his input, or when he gets an attacks of the guilts and forces himself to help, he complains a whole lot. He gets cranky, he swears, he gets frustrated. There is always some sort of stupid drama about something. It's not that he cares about how the cleaning is done, it just puts him in a bad mood and it's really unpleasant. He'd be more helpful if he sat on his ass and just kept me company.
So, how do I get my boyfriend to understand that I really don't care if he doesn't clean (I know he feels a lot of guilt) but that if he does help, he really needs to calm down?
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Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Cleaning?
Tell him that. Let him know that if he wants to do you a favour, instead of cleaning he can spend money on you or whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
Sincerely,
Miss Piggy
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Find out the one chore he really loves to do around the house, maybe the cooking or the grocery shopping? Tell him you love the way he does it and you were were wondering if he would mind just taking over this one chore and letting you do the rest. He is probably cranky and frustrated because he really doesn't know how to do those other chores so well and guys really like to do a good job and be appreciated for their efforts. He probably feels like he will do all this and it won't meet your expectations and you will think he is a screw up. Guys think like this, really! How about it guys! Underneath all that grumpy, cranky facade they really just want to please you. If all else fails find a project to keep him busy on cleaning days! Ask him to change the oil or wash the car or something he would probably rather be doing anyway. You could send him on errands, give him a grocery list, anything that will make him feel useful while you gets things done at home. If you have a yard ask him if he would mind doing some things out there. Maybe he could start a small garden or a little koi pond, he could go out and tend these things and spiffy up the yard while you do the chores. You know him so I am sure you can find a way to personalize this plan where he will feel useful and appreciated and you will enjoy getting through your chores stress free! Good luck!
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My suggestion is to sit him down and have him describe his childhood to you. What chores did he have as a child? Did he feel they were fair or not? Was he disciplined often for not doing chores? What type of discipline? Did he have a mom who felt it was her duty to do everything for the kids meaning "no chores" and a dad who felt the opposite, that kids need to learn some family responsibility by pitching in? Just keep asking til you hit upon the "Why" of his reactions. Then discuss what you are okay with and that his reactions are not necessary. Tell him you will always do everything that is required in the running of the house.
If you think you may want his participation in the future, then he needs to learn to deal with his personal issues now because it will still be there in the future when you may need help. Lets say its not just boy and girlfriend but husband and wife and you have kids together. Could you really handle all responsibilities, 100% of the child care and raising, all the budgeting responsibility, the house cleaning, chauffering kids around, working outside the home possibly, doing all the housework, grocery shopping, household and clothes shopping, all scheduling of your calendar, etc?
You will suffer burnout because it is a two person job. You may begin to resent him since he isnt willing to help without whining and complaining like a child.
In fact, his attitude right now, is that of a child in an adult body. He would rather not have to put any time towards household responsibilities but have 100% free time and play time. He wants his life to be carefree as if he was still a child which means he will look for a female who is willing to be his mommy for the rest of his adult life. Apparently his mom or dad did try to train him to take on ownership of assigned tasks and he fought them tooth and nail by whining and complaining when he did help. He knows darn well that participating is important and the right thing to do and that is why he does so out of guilt feelings...but the childish whining has to go.
You can ask him if he wants to work on that and if he is, is it okay if you encourage and remind him to keep him on track with doing household responsibilities willingly and happily?
If he is not willing to, there is nothing you can do to change another person, he must execute any changes from within, from a desire and want to do so, fully dedicated to it. So all you can do is discuss it with him but theres nothing you can do to change him.
Here's an important point: If you can't change him, would that be a deal breaker to the relationship? No? Okay, accept him as he is then for now. But I predict at some point in future years, it will be a deal breaker and you won't be willing to be his mommy anymore, even if he's grudgingly doing some things. You're still in the mommy role if forced to listen to his drama and whining and complaining.
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