about

My name is Laura and I'm happy to help out with questions if you're asking about a subject I happen to be familiar with. I work at an agency that assists victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, so I'm able to answer questions about those kinds of situations. However, I'll often simply refer people to an agency like the one I work for in their area*, it's usually the best advice I can give. I can also answer most questions about positive dating and sexual relationships, including safe sex. I'm a big fan of the political system so I can answer general questions about that as well, although I won't do your homework for you. My other interests include houseplants, hermit crabs and kiwi fruit. Ask away!


*If I tell you to seek help from a domestic violence or sexual assault agency in your area and you're not sure where one is or where to find out, feel free to ask me. Just let me know what city and state (or country, if ouside the US) you live in and I'll give you full contact information for the agency closest to you that will provide the services you need. If you're concerned about privacy, I'm happy to send you the information without posting it on my column, just let me know if that's what you want.


National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233


National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

advice

Hi this is hard to talk about here goes im 18 and i can't perform sexually everytime i go to have sex i lose my erection and i can't get it up
can't seem to get hard again its worrying me and my girlfriend what can i do about this could it be impotence? My penis is really small only 3 inches long erect could that be the problem?

Not being an expert on problems of this kind, the best advice I can give you is to see a urologist, which is a doctor that specializes in these types of problems. What I can tell you is that sexual difficulties of this type are not usually related to penis size, so that shouldn't be the root of the problem. It's also important to realize that this could simply be a temporary part of development and it could very well go away in a few years. If more is involved, your doctor can prescribe medications to help.

I know it can be horribly embarrassing to go to a doctor about something like this, but remember that this is exactly what they deal with every single day; it's their job. You'll probably be the 10th guy your doctor has spoken to about sexual problems on the day of your appointment, this is a very common problem. There's also a good chance that the urologist has spent some time with someone suffering from some kind of horrible, raging, penis disfiguring STD. When you start to get embarrassed, just think about that guy and you'll be surprised how much better you'll feel.

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Ok, so I decided that instead of taking the chance having sex with just a condom that I want to go on birth control. Only problem is telling my mom I want to go to the gyno. I know I don't have to tell my parents but I would rather them knowing know then later on. I'm 18 and at college. Any good ways of saying it to them without basically saying I'm having sex?

It's understandable that you want your parents to know about your OBGYN visit rather than keeping it a secret, and commendable that you want to practice safe sex. It's not particularly harmful to not tell your parents you're sexually active as an adult. As long as you're willing to be safe there's no reason for them to know, and chances are they'd rather not. Finding an excuse to go to the OBGYN shouldn't be difficult because you should be going regardless of sexual activity. Your gynecologist can detect irregularities, cervical or ovarian cancers or diagnose infections. Most doctors recommend yearly visits even for people who aren't sexually active starting at 17 or so. A friend of mine who was not sexually active went to the OBGYN for the first time at 17 and an early cancerous growth was discovered. They were able to treat her long before it became dangerous. If nothing else, you can tell your parents that you heard such a story and you’d like to go make sure you’re healthy. You can also tell them that your doctor has told you need to begin going annually, as many doctors would make such a recommendation for a woman your age. You can even tell them that you have a yeast infection and need a prescription. You can also make an excuse for your birth control pills by telling them your gynecologist prescribed them to help with cramps, heavy periods or acne, which are three extremely common uses for birth control pills.

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i've been on the pill for about 2 weeks now and i was told not to have unprotected sex until i was on the pill for about a month or so. well last night me and my boyfriend were having sex and 2 condoms broke...we were so caught up in the moment that we decided to keep going and he was gonna pull out. well he did and when i looked down it took a couple seconds for him to "go" i'm pretty sure we're safe but what do you think?

To begin, I would closely examine the way you and your partner are using condoms. Condoms break very rarely when used correctly. Be sure to follow the directions on the package when putting them on, avoid exposing them to extreme heat or cold and check the expiration date on the package. In regards to the effectiveness of your birth control pills, birth control pills have about a 5% realistic failure rate (and that's after being on them for a full month or more). Before the first month, there is debate as to whether the pill is effective at all. It's important to wait until after your first ovulation on the pill before you expect it to prevent pregnancy. Withdrawal, the method you and your partner used after the condoms broke, is one of the least effective ways to prevent pregnancy because sperm cells are released before ejaculation. To summarize: you could be pregnant and you’ll need to take a test if you miss your period.

In the future, keep in mind that it’s wise to avoid having sex without a condom even when using the pill. The pill does not protect against sexually transmitted disease, and it's not perfect. You can't be too careful.

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This is a really.. stupid.. question.. but.. here goes anyway:
I want to buy some condoms (im a girl) and i think its kind of embarrassing.. i mean.. i dont want everyone to know im having sex. I cant drive.. and if my sis or parents found out i was buying them.. they would KILL me.. Anyway.. when i work up the nerve to buy them.. whats the best kind to buy... i prefer lifestyles or trojan.. so whats the best.. and cheapest at that.. to buy

thanks!

My viewpoint has always been that if you're not ready to buy condoms you’re not ready to have sex. Of course, it's good to see you asking advice about this issue.

Trojan condoms are rarely ranked as the best in objective studies, although they are the most widely available in the United States. I would discourage purchasing them because Trojan has refused to stop using a spermicidal lubricant that contains Nonozonyl-9, a chemical that has been linked to vaginal irritation, which has the potential to create pathways for STDs to enter the body. Trojan is virtually the only manufacturer to refuse to pull this lubricant, which tells me that their concern for safety is secondary to their concern for profits. If you do choose their products (it may be your only option) avoid Nonoxonyl-9. Durex is a European condom that is still widely available in the US and consistently praised for safety and feeling. If you're able to get some, I recommend them.

However, all brands of condoms will help protect you. The most important part of using condoms is reading the instructions that some with them to make sure you’re using the correctly. Condoms are only effective if you use them right.

I would also encourage you (since you expressed that price is a concern) to check with an agency in your area that provides free condoms. It may be a local health center, and HIV/AIDS treatment center, or any other organization concerned about safe sex. They may be able to make arrangements for you to get free condoms, even though you don’t drive, and teach you how to use them.

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