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Gender: Female
Location: Orlando, FL
Occupation: Advice Columnist
Age: 29
Member Since: December 5, 2005
Answers: 16
Last Update: December 20, 2005
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OK well here it goes. My friend Marissa is my bestfriend but shes been really EXTREAMLY getting on my nervs latly. Shes making me think of her as a skank that leads guys on. Everytime i meet a new guy and talk to him after a while she ends up finding him too, which i dont mind at all dont get me wrong, but then they start talking more and more cause she talks "dirty" to them. She says shes only kidding when i confront her about it and she THINKS they know that but OBVIOUSLY the guys do NOT know she is. Ive asked my guy friends and they think shes serious. So that makes them better friends with her then me now and like her more! And it really pisses me off cause they all end up liking her more. Im with her all the time so its kinda hard to have them avoid her and i dont want them too cause im not like ganna keep her from sharing my friends too..I mean i want her to have my friends too! But the thing that really gets me is if they like me and then she talks to them then they like her more cause she talks "dirty" to them and says she loves them and things like that. I know im jealous ill admit it but it pisses me off when they end up liking her more. Im not like that im not ganna go talk dirty shit to all my guy friends. Like i said she says shes kidding but they dont get that!! Everything she does they like better. GOD! It even makes me mad just talking about it! I know i dont sound like a good friend but wtf its annoying! Theres one guy that flirts more with me then with her and guess what she doesnt like him. Like i had a birthday party a month ago and she wanted me to invite all the guys that like her more then me but are still good friends with me but NOT the one that pays attention to me!! I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I SHOULD DO! Could someone PLEASE tell me how i can like get this to stop bugging me or what i should do? Im ganna go crazy one of these days!! THANKS SO MUCH! Sorry this is so long and ill rate 5's cause its so long and i sound like a maniac. LOL! (link)
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You need to sit down with your friend and discuss the things that bothers you from her behavior. Be honest and tell her how you feel. The important thing here is your friendship not guys. Guys come and go, but friends are the ones who are with you all times in good times and bad times. Just talk it out with her, you'll see how things change for the better.
Blu
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My friend is having a really hard time in her life right now and i just discovered that she started cutting herself. Im the only one that she told, and i don't want to break her trust by telling the school cousiler. The cousiler knows about her having a hard time right now, becuase she talked to her, but now about the cutting. So, like i said, im the only one that knows so if the school counsiler finds out then shes going to know that i told her. I know it 'would be best' if i told the counsiler, but i'll feel like ive betrayed my friend. What is the best way to tell my school cousiler about whats going on, or at least try to help my friend?? THanks for any help.
(link)
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Let me share a story with you, this is a true story from a patient that suffered from Self-Mutilation sindrome. Please read below:
"Self-Mutilation" in Psychiatry -- One Patients View
Once, on a March night, I returned to my hotel room in a state of extreme psychic distress. I found suicide inviting, but could not bear to abandon my children. I found myself searching for a sharp blade, but could not find one(I had packed only what was needed for a short stay). Finally, I put a disposable raiser into my mouth and bit down hard, freeing the blade within. I was then frightened as well, because I felt I was slipping out of control. I had no more idea of what that hand with the blade would do than if it were the hand of another person. I gently dragged the blade over my body, taking in how it felt. When it felt right, I pushed it hard against my skin and slid it along. I cut again and again and again... To my great surprise, the tension and anxiety eased. I felt some pain, but also a powerful almost erotic pleasure. Who would have thought that one would become hooked after the first try.
I cut often for the next 7 months or so. In the end I was hospitalized for mania, and after that had little desire to cut. I was lucky, most cutters continue for years. Also, I never cut deeper than the skin, when I reached the point where you could lift up the skin on one side of the incision, while the other side did not move I stopped (more often I started a new incision). I liked seeing the blood flow in little streams along my skin. Several times I wrote angry notes to my estranged wife, in blood. Once, I cut with a girlfriend present, and we she played with the blood, making designs upon both herself and me. My cutting produced scars and keltoids very similar in appearance to the results of decorative cutting shown in the body-mod E-zine. The designs were far less artistic, and I eventually began to use "steri-strips" (essentially a kind of tape for skin) to hold the wounds closed and reduce scarring.
Other than the time I cut with my girlfriend (that was essentially a command performance), my cutting had features that are in common with the overwhelming majority of cutters:
1) Mounting anxiety, anger and agitation. In my case anger was the major component.
2) This would reach a point where I experienced being in an intolerable and uncontrollable situation, from which there was no escape (other than perhaps cutting).
3) I experienced an irresistible need to cut. I saw no alternatives.
4) Cutting done in alone and in private.
5) Rapid but temporary relief following the cutting.
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Note- The above are paraphrased from the criteria of "Deliberate Self Harm Syndrome". The list above is in the order in which the patient experienced the symptoms, and emphasizes how they are experienced by the "patient" rather than observed by the "doctor".
"Cutters" are all different. This patient intended to make many shallow cuts, while some make one or two short deep cuts. Some cut to experience pain, while others cut to lose blood. Many cutters engage in other forms of self injury, most often burning, while some self mutilators don't cut at all, but only burn, or break bones, or ..There are documented cases where cutting seems to have been "contagious". Outbreaks typically occur in institutions, such as prisons and some mental hospitals. In one correctional institution for girls over 80% of the inmates began to cut, during one outbreak.
Intentional harm to oneself is surprisingly common, it has been estimated that 0.75% of the population engages in "self-mutilation" (note that self-mutilation has become the accepted term for self harm, even though the "mutilation" is often mild). Thus, with the exception of the mainstream body-mods, such as ear-piercing, small tattoos, etc., self-mutilation is more common than body modification. For comparison, the major mental illnesses, schizophrenia, and manic-depressive disorders each has an incidence in the 1% range.
Self-mutilation covers a wide range of behaviors, from making shallow cuts on the skin (cutting) to eye enucliation. The severe forms, such as eye enucliation or castration are extremely rare, while cutting accounts for most of the self harm, followed by burning and then bone-breaking. By definition, self mutilation does not include suicide attempts, or injury that is incidental to another activity, such as masturbation. In short, it includes injury done with intent to injure, but not to kill.
Self-mutilation usually causes severe suffering for it's practitioners. Those who cause serious harm require hospitalization to treat the injuries and have long painful (and expensive) recuperation's. Most cutters feel very alone, as they are not knowledgeable as to the widespread nature of the practice. A sense of social isolation arises, as they different from "normal" people. They have conspicuous scars, which cannot easily be explained, and often wear long pants and long sleaved shirts all year round. I have heard it suggested that cutters turn to piercing, etc., as a more socially acceptable outlet for the need to experience injury. In this vein, I have several ear piercings which I actually enjoyed getting, while others seem to regard piercing as something to be endured for the sake of beauty.
Cutters tend to be far more likely to be female than male. Cutters also have a large likely hood to have an eating disorder, particularly bulimia, or anorexia. Often a person will cut for a period, then stop cutting, but become bulimic and so on. Self mutilation is often regarded as being part of the personality damage which results from childhood sexual abuse. In this patient case, however, it appears to be a way to deal with some of the less pleasant mood states resulting from manic-depressive illness. Cutting is almost allways a method to deal with a more fundamental problem. One is often worse off if cutting is stopped without first treating the underlying problem.
I don't think that you would like your friend to end up like this, just because you'd be betreaying her trust. You need to take action NOW.
To get a better perspective of the phenomena, I recommend the following books and web sites (and referances therin).
Books: Bodies Under Siege -- Self-Mutilation in Culture and Society by Armando R. Favazza, M.D. This is generally regarded as the best overall book on the subject. If it has any drawbacks, they are that it devotes too little time to minor mutilations such as superficial cutting, and the causes thereof. On the other hand there is a wealth of information on severe mutilation, especially in other cultures. This covers such related topics as castration of Chinese men who intend to work for the emperor, scalping, etc. which are not strictly Self-Mutilation.
Women Who Hurt Themselves -- A Book of Hope and Understanding by Dusty Miller. The emphasis of this book is upon victims of childhood abuse, which accounts for many, but not all self-mutilators. Within this range it is very good.
There's also Web Sites you may visit for more info:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html (Secret Shame)
How to Get Help: I have not located many sources of help that are specific to self-mutilation.
The first step is to recognize that your friend is not the only one that does this, and that it is treatable. The Secret Shame website gives things one can do to lessen the need for cutting.
Patients have occasionally been able to defuse their desire to cut by talking to a friend. So by your friend telling you, she is in the right track, accepting it. Tragically, some cutters are so socially isolated that they feel they have noone to call, at least no one they trust.
You can also visit the secret shame website at http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html.
If your friend is a victim of child abuse, severe trauma, or she have another condition(i.e. Borderline personality), then seek help for that condition first. Most cities have self help groups which meet in person, and there are also resources on the internet. For general mental health issues, try Internet Mental Health at http://www.mentalhealth.com/. For topics not covered one can use Yahoo, or other net directory services.
Rock Creek Center has an inpatient program specifically for self-mutilation and they have an 800 number, 1-800-DONTCUT. They have information packages and can help by giving referrals.
Most of the psychiatrists and psychologists I have talked to have some knowledge of self-mutilation. Most self-mutilators can benefit from professional help, and should attempt to attain it. Be warned that finding a compatible therapist is quite difficult, often the first one will not be appropriate for you. Where I live there is some free mental health treatment available, to anyone. I also know of people on medcial assistance (in the US) who are able to get very good care. If you don't have money, you can still get treatment. Where I live, there is a "first call for help" telephone number, for people who need help and don't know where to get it.
I know it sounds scary and a lot to handle. This is my advice, get an adult involved and provide them with this information, or you can call yourself and ask for help.
I hope this helps.
Blu
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Hear is my problem I was friends with this girl for two and a half years then all of a sudden we are no longer friends. I mean she didn't tell me anything. I waited to see if I was going to hear from her but nothing no phone calls and she never came over my house again. I wrote her a letter and she never responded. I don't get it the last time I saw her was when she had a boyfriend. I use to work in a retail store and everytime I would see her she would be buying some things for a baby. So did she have a baby or is she just picking some things up for a friend. But if she did have a baby why would she want to stop being friends. I have another friend and she was also friends with her too but they keep in touch. I wish I knew what happen and how come she doesn't want to talk to me. At frist I thought it was because she had a boyfriend and so did my other friend and I was single. But that's no reason she should stop talking to me is it? Please help me we were such good friends and I would like to be again but I dont' know what to do. (link)
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It is very unfortunate what you are going through. I'm sure there is a reason why she stopped being your friend. Try to remember if there was anything that you did or said where she might have felt uncomfortable in any way. Now, you mentioned that you wrote her a letter and she never responded. I am sure that you called too and she does not answer the phone either. If this is the case, do not attempt to contact her, you don't want her to think that you are stalking her. Try to contact the friend you have in common with her and see if the friend gives you some answers.
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I'm 25 and have lived in my own apartment for three years, but I recently met a girl my age who has a house and a spare bedroom and wants a housemate to help with payments, so I'm going to move in with her. She's really cool and we hang out and have gotten to be friends. Here's my question: a few people (my parents, mostly) have told me that any time you're going to live with someone new you should have a set of ground rules that you both work on and agree to... like, what hours it's okay to play loud music, who's going to do dishes when, stuff like that. I told them the idea is silly because we're friends and she's going to think I'm weird and uptight if I propose something like this. If my music is too loud, she can tell me, you know?
So what do you think... should we just go with whatever for a while, or work out an agreement? What sort of stuff should we put on this list of rules if we do it? (link)
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Set up roommate rules? You know, this is a great question that you should bubble up to your roommate to be. Be honest with her and let her know that a few people including your parents provided you with some advice in regards setting down rules but that you feel it might not be necessary. I don't think that by setting down some rules you are being weird or uptight. By reaching out to her this way, you are being considerate of the fact that you want to respect the space you both are going to live in. Who knows, she might be thinking the same and don't feel comfortable in asking you either. There is nothing wrong with asking.
Let me know how it goes! Feel free to send me a message to my inbox.
Good Luck!
Blu
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