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Kind of things did the officers tell you (link)
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I think I visited with my Girl Scout troop back in the day, so in some sense it was probably a scare tactic "Don't do bad things, m'kay?" sort of approach.
But I was actually surprised at how, well, nice the jails were, at least around my area. They had a rec facility, library, pretty decent meals, religious leaders who would come in for those that wanted it, and also some 'job training' guidance so that people could become gainfully employed after serving time.
The officers told us about some of the nastier aspects like fights/thieving that would sometimes happen, but said this was largely confined to the higher security areas. Also the inmates told us that the biggest downside to regular jail is the extreme lack of privacy, and that it's hard to sleep at night because people go a little stir-crazy packed in with each other, especially those that have been there for a while. Depends a lot on whether you're in a "pod" (with about 8 roommates) or whether you just have one bunkmate, and I suppose it depends on what your bunkmates are in for. But the officers said people who commit similar crimes are usually grouped together, so my guess is that your mom is in a low-security area with a bunch of other pretty decent people, and you have nothing to worry about going to visit her.
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thanks for answering my question I just got a few others
1. I made some joking comments to her saying things like "oh now mom will be getting ordered around by people" , also compared prison food to school lunches and her having to dress and shower in front of other inmates and a guard similar to the gym locker room. My mom is not asking for any kind of pity party and it is clear she does not mind being self depreciating about this. I think this has helped make the situation more comfortable for everyone, but some might say we are making "light" of a serious thing.
2. I was wondering if I should visit her. While I have no problem with her I wonder if I should go into a jail. My dad said she would appreciate a visit and it could be "interesting and educational". Do you think so?
3. What is meant exactly by "And I think it's great that you're able to get to know your mom on a more personal level now...usually that comes much later in life."
thanks
(link)
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1. What else can really be done but to make light of it? It sounds like your mom knows she made some mistakes, she's not likely to do so again. If her sentence were years in jail or the crime more serious, that would change things. But 6 months for financial stuff isn't too bad ... Heck, there are peace activists who have gotten worse. As long as your mom is okay with joking around, I think it's fine.
2. I think you should visit her. I'm sure both of you will miss each other as the months go on, I don't think there's any harm in it. I was in a jail at a very young age and it didn't leave any serious impressions. Now, if it were a max security prison it would be a different story. But I actually did learn a lot from the officers at the jail.
3. You said before that it feels like you can talk to your mom much more easily now. I think that's totally natural...probably because you can see the human side of her -- the side that's not 'mom' or 'wife' but a person who sometimes makes mistakes. Usually people only start getting this view of their parents in their 20s and 30s, but I think you starting to see that now can only help strengthen your bond.
So accept however you feel about this, and if your feelings ever change, accept those too. Tell your parents how you're feeling. The only way things turn out "wrong" here is if you hide how you're feeling. That could come back to bite you later.
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i have loved a person a lot and we both decided to marry but our parents are not accepting, my parents fixed a match and they are forcing me to do that when is said this to my beloved person he said insted of hurting every one we will marry to our parents wish but even he dont like this ..we both want to lead life to gether but our parents are not listening to us and they are saying they will die if we wont listen to them. (link)
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Wow. First, let me say that I don't have much experience with this particular issue. But I imagine that balancing familial duty with your own need to be independent and love whomever you choose is very difficult. Nobody likes displeasing their parents, but you have to consider the alternative: can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone you may or may not come to love?
Now, I don't believe that there is just one perfect person for everyone out there, and your parents may have indeed chosen a good match for you - someone who would be a very caring husband that clearly has your family's approval. Maybe you would come to love him too. But maybe you wouldn't, and would always regret following your parent's wishes.
I see a few options.
(1) Continue talking to your parents. Rest assured, they will not die if you don't listen to them. For them to tell you this is very emotionally manipulative, and I think you should say so. Tell them that you love them and want to respect them, but that they should be supportive of you and want only the best for you: your happiness. Try to be as open as possible - ask them what it is that they don't like about the man you want to marry and why they think their choice is a better match. Perhaps they just haven't come to know your person as well as you do, and they are afraid he won't be able to provide as good a life for you as they would like. But remind them that this is YOUR life, and your choice to make, and remind them how unhappy you would be if you forsook true love for an arranged marriage.
(2) If your parents don't budge, and you don't want to explicitly go against their wishes, you could be slightly sneakier in your approach. Do you know the match your parents chose for you? If you do, then I would suggest talking to him. Asking if he is really comfortable with an arranged marriage. Perhaps he is in a similar situation to yours, and wants to choose his own love for himself. If your parents here from him or his family that he doesn't want the marriage anymore, then this may solve your problem. However, I re-emphasize that I don't really know how arranged marriages work and I don't know if this approach would be seen as highly disrespectful in your culture.
(3) If all else fails, marry the person you want to marry, and do it for love. Start bringing your boyfriend around your parents more so that they can warm up to him. They will eventually come around. All (or at least most) parents want the best for their children, and they will eventually see that you are happy with your chosen person.
I hope this helps, I wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation! Feel free to message me if you need anything else.
~Pollux
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My parents divorced when I was 15 months old. My mother had custody, while my father had visitation. I remember times not seeing my dad, some because he never showed up free he said he would, other times there was just limited visits. After I turned 5 I completely stopped seeing my father an stepmother. Growing up, I was told my father did this or that, whether my brother and I asked or just information thrown at us. Now I am 27, and have slowly begun to form a relationship with my father. I have had about 4 visits with him in the past year and a half. About 4 months ago I've developed a relationship with my stepmother also. Her and I have become close. My stepmother informed me of my fathers side I the story of why my parents split. Evidentially there were marital issues, therefore resulting in a trial separation, when my mother decided to have an "affair" while seperated and going to counseling. Granted my biological mother and I have always had a tense relationship, but this news made me feel very angry with my biological mom. I questioned my brother on why I had been told, and he confirmed that my mother slept with someone else. I never knew til recently, however my mom told my brother quite some time ago. Since I've started taking to my stepmother my mom has been snooping some and trash talking my dad and stepmother, I assume to continue hiding her secret, as she does not know I am aware of her infidelity. So, my question is do I have a right to be angry with my mother? And how should I approach telling her I know when the subject arises again? (link)
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Talk to your mom. You're 27 now so I'm sure you know how messy relationships can be, and far from being an extreme circumstance, what happened between your parents is actually pretty common. It's such a difficult thing navigating the waters of people's emotional and physical needs, and remember that while your parents have their love and their obligation to you, they are also people and go through the same struggles and uncertainties.
Now, hopefully with so much time since the divorce, they are able to be mature and civil about it now. But it doesn't always happen this way. And of course you have a right to feel angry with your mom - she told your brother (and not you) about the infidelity, she's trash-talking your dad now, and of course there's all your feelings about the infidelity in the first place. You have a right to feel whatever you're feeling.
But if you just bury this and continue to hide that you know, your resentment will only grow, and that won't do you or anyone else any good. People say there's three sides to any story: one person's, the other person's, and then the truth. Tell your mom what you found out from your dad, and tell her how you're feeling about it. Tell her that you're trying to have a good relationship with both her and your dad, and you hope that their personal feelings about one another won't stand in the way of that.
The hardest thing to do might be forgiving your mom for what happened, but try to remember that people make mistakes, big ones, and they also struggle to live with the consequences of that all their lives. I'm sure your mom isn't too happy about what happened either. So just talk to her about it, have an open and honest conversation and try not to place blame, and hopefully reach some peace.
I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you need any other advice.
~Pollux
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