About tissuesforissues
I am not a shrink, a therapist or a social worker in any way shape or form. However, I have had a great deal of life experience that's given me the ability to listen well and give good, healthy advice, whether it be for relationships, career, family or just something you need to get off your chest.
As an added bonus, I have a good sense of humor. That doesn't mean I'll make light of your issues. It just means I might say something to lighten your perspective, or give you something to chuckle at. Laughter isn't the best medicine for everyone, but it does help a little to put things in perspective and cope.
And since I'm a native New Yorker, I've seen and heard almost everything. What sets me apart from most New Yorkers, is that I actually give a damn. But I tell it to you straight, cause my policy is advice without any bull.
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Website: Tissues For Issues
Gender: Female
Location: New York City
Occupation: Writer
Age: 29
Member Since: March 30, 2007
Answers: 12
Last Update: May 31, 2007
Visitors: 2245
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I'm a 25-year old New Yorker who generally enjoys her life - I have a great job, good friends and lots of hobbies. However, my on-again/off-again boyfriend of 3 years makes me too miserable to enjoy all this.
During the times we've been together and the times we've been far apart (I went away to grad school last year, and meanwhile he took a job in Boston) there has been incredibly intense passion between us. We fight and cry, but our resolutions are amazingly intense as well. Our 'downs' usually result from his being unhappy (he is quite unhappy and critical by nature) and taking it out on me; however, this makes the 'ups' feel so good... like I've won him over or something. In recent years, he's done things like moving all the way back to NY to be with me, before backing out and deciding that to be with me would be 'unfair to me'. Sometimes we date, sometimes we just sleep together, sometimes we don't talk for months. The roller coaster is an intense and heartbreaking ride. I know deep down that a good relationship should be more stable, and that he is too messed-up be able to give me that. But I am also addicted to his drama and passion, and I love him - I find myself wanting to stick with him until he is well enough to treat me right.
I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually. But it's been years and I just can't seem to internalize that understanding. My emotions just won't comply. I was truly in love with him - and now I stay up at night depressed that being in love doesn't really mean anything. I miss him terribly and cry nearly every day; I can't take other men that I date seriously. I really need words of wisdom to help me free myself from this mess.
Thank you...
Dear Plauged,
"I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually....My emotions just won't comply."
Ah, the constant battle between brain and heart. I know it well and its one of the most frustrating kinds of fights that can take place, because essentially its you versus...well, you. So in addition to the exhausting emotional rollercoaster your boyfriend is putting you through, you're that much more tired and stressed out from your own internal arguments. Man do you need a vacation!
I have to commend you for the enormous amount of patience and understanding you've provided for this guy. You are one hell of a girlfriend! There are not many women around who would have the heart to consistantly forgive some of the harsh behavior this guy has demonstrated, nor would many people accept his emotional instability and put in the insurmountable work and time it takes to sort things out and reconcile matters no matter how badly he's lashed out. And I assume that's why its so hard to completely seperate yourself from this guy. I mean, you've worked so hard and dedicated so much time and so much of yourself...and now what? Throw it away? It seems too painful because it feels like such a waste....
but its not.
I once read that Native Americans occasionally hold ceremonial fires where they will burn artwork and other things they've created. Not because they don't care for them - they certainly do...but its a way of letting go, of not letting what they've created hold them back from exploring new creations, of seeking out new paths of creativity, of expanding their minds and themselves. I'm sure its painful to watch something they've created and that they love slip away. But the experience itself teaches how to let go of something before you become obsessed with it, and it holds you in one place. It might seem extremely hard to do, but growth can sometimes hurt. After all that's why they call 'em "growing pains".
With that said, first off, don't burn up your boyfriend. ;)
But take some time to reflect on this creation, and realize that the loss of it may be painful, but the work and time and care you put into it is NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT a waste. The love you gave him is something you should be proud of, because it shows your capacity to unconditionally care for someone, and that makes you a great human being. Plus the lessons you've learned here are priceless - nothing is more valuable than experience. I hope you change your habits quick - and instead of staying up at night depressed that 'love doesn't mean anything', you sleep soundly knowing that your ability to love is outstanding, and that it can even soothe the most unpredictable and unstable of personalities. You are a living example that love truly does exist and mean something, because this guy may have time apart from you, but eventually he realizes that whatever he's looking for, its not as fantastic as what you give to him, and he comes crawling back to it. The problem is, when he does come back for it, he doesn't appreciate all that you give to him, and takes you for granted, because he knows you'll put up with it. In my experience, the professinals call what he's doing "emotional abuse". The hurt of him being critical towards you and fighting with you, the high of him finally being kind and caring towards you, and then back down again. Its abusive towards you because of the stress and pain it causes you, and the power it gives him.
It really, really worries me that you're waiting around for him to treat you right, because he already knows you'll put up with most of the crap he dishes out, and that leaves you waiting...and waiting, and waiting. THAT is what's extremely unfair to you. Moving to New York to be with you isn't "unfair to you' - that move would have been plenty fair and an indication of how much he cares for your happiness. And you deserve to be shown, not just told, how much your happiness and your peace of mind means to him.
There is this saying, "I can do bad by myself" that I often use in relationship advice, because a lot of the women that happen to ask me questions are being emotionally abused by their partner, and then taking it one step further by emotionally abusing themselves for "failing" in the relationship. But you've failed nothing here - you've done your part and given your all. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango, and this fella just aint doing his part. You deserve someone who is going to give as much as you, and the way to find that person is for YOU to treat yourself well first.
With all of that said, I'm going to give you two pieces of advice. One is: start doing little things that remind you of what a great person you are, and thereby result in treating yourself well. all the work you're pouring into this relationship needs a little redirection, and a that work needs to be given towards your own self-improvement, instead of his. So start doing things to remind yourself that YOU can make YOU feel good, and that you don't need this relationship-drug dependancy. After a three-year relationship of mine ended, I started talking to a therapist (this helps as well if you can afford it) and she suggested i put little signs up around my apartment stating good thing, positive traits about myself. It sounds cheesy, I know. But I have to admit, it did help, when I looked in the mirror in the morning, and saw a little post-it that said, "you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for". It made me smile, it made me feel good, and it made me feel a little prouder. And I think you could use a dose of all those feelings, plauged. This guy has you pretty beaten up inside, and its something you can do to start to rebuild your confidence and refocus you onto you. This is a time when you need to be your best friend. Its time to take good care of that chick!
You say you have a great group of friends? Use 'em! Although you may not want to 'burden' them with this stuff, they're your friends, and its their job to be there for you when you're going through a tough time. There's nothing people love to hear more than "I need you". Tell your friends you need their help to get through this, their support, their encouragement to get out and do things, but to also understand when you start to feel down. EVERYONE needs support.
My second piece of advice is to slowly but surely distance yourself from this guy. I know it seems impossible, that's why I'm not suggesting cold turkey. But in my experience, the more time I spent building myself up personally, and spending time with friends and loved ones that truly cared for me and wanted me to be happy, the more I realized that 3 year relationship I was in was just plain poison for me. It caused me to spiral into random depressions, and stifled me from doing the things I wanted to do and pursuing new things as well because ...well, it was all about him. Sound familiar?
I know the head and the heart speak completely different languages. Everytime someone says, "God, how can she stay with him?!?" They're coming from the logical side. Logic is so much easier...you can make decisions coldly and quickly. But when emotions are involved its a whole different story, and they can often make you seem like an insane woman. (I really speak from experience there.)
PLEASE try to start distancing yourself though. Not picking up the phone here, skipping a date there, and then eventually, as you know you must, move on, and let him leetch off of someone else's emotions.
Once again, please know that you're a good girlfriend and give yourself the credit that you've given your all. I hope you take actions towards giving to yourself, being good to yourself, because you deserve it so much, and it seems long overdue.
Best of luck in this difficult situation, and please feel free to write me again at any time!
Take good care honey, and sorry for the novel of an answer,
Tissues for Issues
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ok so theres this guy in my spanish class thats a year younger than me that i swear is perfect. hes taller than me hes cute hes smart hes funny hes athletic and hes so sweet. thursday after school i was walking in the hallway when he found me and asked me what i was doing over the weekend. i told him i was going to disney world because i was going there with choir and he was like oh yea thats right you told me that. and then we walked outside and both left. when i got home i realised he might have been trying to ask me out. but im not sure. hes really nice and he could have just been making conversation. he sits right infront of me and we talk alot everyday and he will just turn around and stare at me w/ a smirk on his face. i like him alot and i think he likes me too, but im not sure. im never sure! but anyways do yall think he was trying to ask me out and that he likes me? i dont know what to say to him to show him i like him without being just plain obvious. we would be soooo perfect together its crazy. thanks so much!
It sounds like this guy is obviously interested in you, but your own lack of confidence is getting in the way of you knowing that for sure - and of you pursuing something further with him. Please don't take that as an insult - I used to be the SAME WAY. I'm a natural-born pessimist, so my first thought is usually the same as yours - if things are going really good...its probably too good to be true.
But the signs here seem to be much stronger than your own pessimism...you talk everyday, he's always kind to you, he's always looking at you...seems like he'd like to ask you out but he's not quite sure how to go about things either. Believe it or not - the list of things he likes about you is probably 2x as long as the list of things you like about him! :)
I understand that you want to show him you like him without being completely direct and making yourself vulnerable, so why not just give him some of his own medicine? Talk to him whenever you can, show off that dazzling personality of yours, and make eye contact as much as you can when you're speaking with him. By giving back some of the same signs he's dishing out, you're validating everything he's doing, almost like saying, "I like you and what you're doing - keep it up." And that can build up both his confidence and yours.
Lastly, if you're really interested in going out with him, don't wait it out until the next time he attempts to ask you out. Why not use his own words and ask him what he's doing next weekend? If he's not busy, you can use that as an opener to making plans - seeing a movie or meeting up somewhere. Hopefully, you'll be seeing each other outside of school before you know it - without having to directly say how much you're feeling for him, or just blurting out "will you go out with me??"
Good Luck
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what is the normal age for a girl to get her first kiss? and when did you guys have your first kiss?
because i'm 15/f and i've never been kissed before.
I had my first kiss when I was 16 - going on 17. And man, did I feel like it was long overdue.
But when it happened, it was with someone I really gave a damn about...and I was really happy that that's the way things turned out.
The truth of the matter? There is no "normal" age to experience your first kiss. Most girls will tell you that their first kiss was when they were 12, 13 or so, and how wonderful it was. Guess what? 13 year old boys? Not great kissers. They're new at it, just like anyone else. They're inexperienced and nervous - just like anyone else. And they feel like they have to do it right away or they won't be "normal" - just like anyone else.
But anytime kissing is rushed, it makes it less fun and less romantic. Kissing is supposed to be slow and sweet - not rushed and full of pressure. So it feels even better when you're with someone who you'd love to be closer to - not someone who'll just get it over with - which is usually what happens at younger ages. You're a 15 year old girl, who hasn't kissed yet, but DEFINITELY will, and you'll definitely know when the time is right.
As for right now, you're as normal as anyone else, except you're smart enough to know not to kiss unless it really matters to you.
You're on the right track girl.
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