Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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20 y/o female: soon to be junior in college
This all started about six months ago when my boyfriend of two and a half years and I broke up. I was devastated to say the least. He had been my rock since middle school, my best friend, and then my boyfriend. I trusted him more than I trusted myself but things had gotten toxic and neither one of us was happy anymore. That's not to say that I didn't miss him like crazy or the support system I had from him and his family being away at college. We had both grown up near the college town but my parents moved across the country when I started my freshman year. I relied on him so much. When things broke off, it was ugly for me. I couldn't eat. When I could eat, I would vomit it all back up. I wouldn't even want to vomit but the anxiety and stress would not let my body hold food, I couldn't control it. I never gagged myself. Immediately after I vomited I would feel this calm. The ever present knot in my stomach would lift for just a moment and I felt almost normal again. But I knew it wasn't normal. I was losing weight I didn't have to lose and my friends were noticing and getting increasingly concerned. So about two months after the break up I finally saw a doctor at my friends' requests. I didn't want to take medication but my doctor told me I absolutely needed to start keeping food down. I was started on something to ease the nausea and prozac to ease my anxiety and apparently, depression. I didn't feel depressed but I tried it anyway. After a month I felt incredible. I could eat, make it through classes without puking and was going out with my friends again.
However something is still tugging at me. I find myself wanting to vomit. Before it was involuntary. But now I want to do it. I guess I have started to gain my weight back and I'm not liking where its falling but I don't think that's why I'm doing it. I still never feel as calm or at peace as I do in that twenty minutes after I puke. It’s a feeling even the prozac cannot give me. I know the health risks associated with this behavior. They are real and severe but I cannot make myself stop. I'm scared to go to my doctor because while I like the prozac, I really don't want to be forced on to anymore medication and I really cannot afford any more visits. Can someone please help me?
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Ok first off let me just say im so sorry your going through this and it must feel worse then awful for you.
Secondly youve probably had the feeling to puke because you were doing it so often before that it because almost a habit in your brain so your mind is thinking about it even though it doesnt need to anymore.
thirdly, i think if things are this bad for you that you need to see a Councillor. You sound like your having a really tough time with all this and you thought you life was going to go one way and it ended up going another and sometimes that can really just break a person.
I really cannot give you anymore advice other then that because it sounds very serious.
maybe try to keep yourself busy with projects and fun things you used to like to do that dont require him. work on bettering yourself for YOU and no one else. build things, make stuff, sew, do arts n crafts and just try to spend time slowing down and doing things that keep your mind off him just for right now. Eventually the days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and slowly you will start to heal. Not everything in this life is permanent and meant to stay the same and we cant keep it the same no matter how hard we try. the faster you heal and become YOU again the faster youll find someone else amazing that will stir new emotions in you that maybe you didnt know you had before.
as they say "this too shall pass"
good luck sweetie ; )
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I am hesitant to speak with a counselor but I think I really will give it a try. I already felt so much better just talking about it here. I have been looking into free counseling opportunities at my campus for the fall. Thank you again, God bless
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