Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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Hey, so is going to be a bit long, I'm sorry. My ex and I split up about half a year ago and we decided at the time that I would keep our dog Spot because she would be moving in with her dad and he and his wife have like 5 cats. I didn't want any complications so I asked her to give me full custody of her and I would give her visitation rights. Well, after we split up, the break up got really difficult. I gave her more than two months to move out her things and it got to the point where I had to start threatening to throw her stuff out so that she would come get them. We had a lot of arguments after the break up to the point that I don't want anything to do with her anymore because every time she came by to pick up her stuff, which was more than several occasions, she would make things really difficult and hard. I really didn't mind being friends with her then, but her attitude just made it really hard and I've never considered ever beings friends with my exes because of the drama. I'm a bit traumatized by the negative interaction that we had after the break up and I just cannot and do not want to associate with her anymore, but she insists on seeing the dog. The more often she wants to see the dog, the more often I have to see her. I feel like if I already have to deal with her presence and if she wants to be more involved in my dogs life then she's going to have to start paying up the costs to care for a pet. Since we've broken up I've been paying for all of her food and taking care of her. I really don't understand her desire to see Spot at all because when we were together I was still the one that took her out when she needed to be outside, fed her, and gave her baths. Whenever she was home and my dog was in the way she was yell at her and say "Move!"
Why is she so keen on seeing my dog? Every time she visits she only spends 15 minutes outside with her and comes inside my apartment and will sit there for almost an hour.
Recently I told her that she can see the dog, but I don't want her in my apartment anymore. What are my options and what should I do? I've considered giving her my dog as well if she gets the chance to move out of her dads, but I think I'm better suited for my dog because she is a golden chow mix and can be headstrong sometimes. My dog only listens to me and I don't know how Spot will be with her. Since she left, Spots attitude has changed for the better for some reason. She doesn't pull as often as she does on the leash and she listens to me better when I tell her to "leave it" and "lets go", she use to be a bit aggressive with strangers being within visible sight, but now she can walk away from them and I really love it. (link)
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I dont think shes actually there to see the dog, i think shes purposely trying to make your life a living hell and doesnt want to let go of you and by coming to your house to see the dog, she gets to still associate with you and see what youve got going on in your life. She also may secretly not want to break up and doesnt want to admit she eff**ed up with you.
Your RIGHT it doesnt make sense for her to take the dog out for only a few minutes but then spend the bulk of the time shes visiting INSIDE the house. This clearly says something about her intentions, and i think you need to cut ties.
Also if shes coming over to pick up more things, what you could do is offer to haul it ALL (or most of it) to the new location. Act like a gentleman and like your doing it because you still care about her as a person but that this just isnt going to work. This ALSO is a secret for "i want you out of my house asap and im willing to move all your stuff out NOW so that theres no need for you to come back over and over, therefore ill get to see you less. see??
It may look like your being nice but in reality your getting rid of her faster while maintaining your dignity to others, and making her look awful for doing anything but excepting and acting like an adult.
Whos dog is it EXACTLY? because if you bought it together then yeah you may need to just let her have the dog if you really want to cut ALL ties with her. Either that or tell her to start paying up for its care or else she cant see him anymore. who PAID for the dog? if you paid, and your dog is licensed to you then its your dog and no one elses.
this is really a matter of how far your willing to go to get rid of her completely. She may also after a while get tired of visiting the dog and just stop if you say "well im too busy for you to visit the dog at the house as ive had the locks changed now so ill meet you and you can play with the dog outside at a park when its most convienant for both of us.
This will tell you alot if she continues to want to see the dog or not, because while you sit in the car and play on your phone AWAY from her, she has the right to spend time with the dog and you dont have to deal with her until shes done.
If she spends the whole time near YOU with the dog instead then she probably still wants to see whats going on in your life and this isnt really about the dog at all.
Stop letting her come to the house to see the dog. ONLY meet her outside at a park where the dog can play and you can sit somewhere away from her within eye sight so she can spend time with the dog but you dont have to talk to her and see how long she wants to keep doing this.
If she stops wanting to see the dog because it cant be at your house then that means she just wants to be in your house and the dog isnt really why shes there at all.
good luck
; )
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Rating: 5
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Thanks that was really in depth. I'll definitely have to let her meet the dog somewhere else besides my apartment. I think the dog park is a great idea. We got the dog together, but after splitting up and she was moving in with her dad, she didn't have any grounds to bring the dog with her and it wouldn't have been right of her to do so because while we were together I was the one to take care of the dog and feed her and take her out, giver her baths, etc. She doesn't pick up anything anymore, the majority of her stuff is cleared out, but every once in a while I will find some of her old stuff and let her know so she can come pick it up.
&& After the break up, every time she came over she would take a big look around like she's looking for some clues that there was another woman in the apartment or something. I didn't say anything to her about it because I didn't want another argument. But it's not like I broke up with her because I met someone else, it was just negative being around her and I just didn't enjoy it anymore. It got the point that I was enjoying my own company rather than "our" company.
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