Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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adviceman49
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Okay before I start this topic I just want to put a DISCLAIMER noting that this will be completely one sided and biased because it is specifically coming from my perspective (as a 23 year old woman). I know there are many sides to this issue and I won't be covering them on purpose because I am asking for advice for myself specifically.
What I have been struggling with lately is something that I know is technically a personal choice and decision, but I am so torn down the middle that I would just like some outside input.
Men, women, anyone can answer. What I am struggling with is the idea of cheating. Specifically men cheating on their wives, girlfriends. I know women cheat too. And I know there are men who do not cheat. But statistically cheating for men is the rule not the exception.
There was a psychologist who wrote a book about how cheating is so absolutely natural to men because of evolutionary purposes and what is actually ruining relationships is the expectation that a man will be capable of having sex with only one woman most of his life. He says that men desiring other women sexually doesn't mean they don't love their partner, and that it is only lust and physical. He argues marriages shouldn't be sexually restrictive and they would be more successful.
Being a person who sees things from all perspectives I understand this point, and in theory I thought I would be able to accept a relationship like this, however, Ive realized that I cannot.
This is an issue now because I met and fell in love with a man who I think is one of my soul mates, he is perfect for me in every way, however, he has been honest and straightforward with me that he doesn't think he can control his lust. He's told me he doesn't want to hurt me, and maybe for a while he can be faithful but eventually he is afraid he won't be able to resist. (the truth is that extremely attractive girls really do literally throw themselves at him). He tells me that he is in love with me and will always want me, the rest is just lust, but he knows eventually it will show up.
So basically I have the decision to make if I want to be with him or not, knowing this. He is not saying that he will go out actively looking to sleep with other people, but he did warn me that he doesn't know if he will be able to stay loyal forever and his biggest fear is hurting me.
I cannot decide. Theoretically it makes sense the whole lust thing. And maybe not in the beginning when love is passionate and strong, but what about later on? I get it. I really do think most people end up wanting to cheat. I want to be able to accept it. But then, I think of him sleeping with other girls and I cannot take it. I know that if I decide to be with him I will only want him, I am very loyal sexually once I like someones energy I only want theirs, so it is really hard for me to be ok with this. But that means losing him and he really is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I know I am young but this connection with him is something actually out of story books.
So what do you think? cheating can be ok? never ok? I don't know what to do if I should choose to be with him knowing the risk or try to forget about him romantically and just stay friends. We are also best friends so he will always be in my life. That makes things much harder. Help??
Thank you in advance :) (link)
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I agree with razhie here, A relationship is a living thing thats ever changing because people change and the goal is to grow TOGETHER and WANT to be with each other because that person makes you want to be better and they mean alot to you.
I also do NOT and will NEVER believe that a guy is not capable of controlling himself sexually, he just doesnt want to. Its sounds like hes saying that hes willing to let you be his side piece because hes cared about you for so long but that he has to have the right to screw other women should the opportunity present itself.
I've been with my husband for 13 years and we've had every discussion know to man about relationship boundaries and rules. Its perfectly normal for a man to look but not touch just as it is for a woman, but i feel your being shorted by him basically lowering you on the totem pole by not being faithful. thats just my opinion though.
If you were already together for a while and then both decided that you would be ok with being with other people yet still being together then that would be fine, but since you are younger and things might not be that serious yet, (alot of young guys anyway) usually want to keep their "options open" if you know what i mean here....
So in effect he can "better deal" you should another girl come along thats better then you in his eyes and technically it wouldnt be wrong because "you agreed to it all" from the start.
To me the fact that you so unsure as to come on here and ask us all says to me that your NOT ok with with it and your just not sure how to tell him because you care for him so much.
A low sense of self esteem could also be at the root of this as well. you might want to make sure this isnt part of that too because if it is then your in for even more hurt down the road once youve agreed to all this with him and then he actually goes and DOES it.
If it were me i would not pursue anything with him beyond friendship until he could see that i deserve a one guy one girl kinda thing. Your a queen and should be treated as such, not a side piece where hes allowed to go after any females he pleases, or allow himself to fall victim to any of them pursing him.
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