Member Since: April 19, 2012
Answers: 40
Last Update: November 17, 2013
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adviceman49
Razhie
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Hi, 20/M
Me and my girlfriend (all but name) have been going through a rough patch recently.
I saw some messages on her phone at like 1am from a guy that she was introduced to at work. He sent her a pic of herself, and sent messages like "I'm not the type of guy that has sex with just anyone". I told her that I saw them, and it really upset me. Not only do I find it to be inappropriate to be texting someone else at 1am, but what really upset me was that I left hers, because she claimed to be too tired, at 12am.
We spoke and she apologised, and she said she didn't see it like that and understood why I was upset.
There is also this other guy, who is the boyfriend of a mutual friend. We went to a BBQ a while ago, and I kept telling her that he was flirting with her. I then saw messages from him, on her fb, at 1am, with him telling her that "she's cute".
Again, we spoke about this and she said that she didn't really it as a problem, and she didn't see it as flirting.
I'm worried that because our relationship status is not public (people just think we're friends), when she is nice to guys that flirt with her, may give the guy the wrong impression i.e. that she is interested, when really she says that she doesn't know the difference between flirting and someone being nice.
It feels now that she has really taken on board what we've spoken about before. But do I have anything to worry about? Is it inappropriate for a girl to be like that with another guy? My friend says yes, but my girlfriend just happens to get on better with guys than girls (I also get on better with girls than guys).
What also confuses me is that sometimes she will say "I can't just stop talking to them, thats rude" or "He helped me with my job application, I can't make it look like I was using him" which to me sound like excuses.
I just don't know what to think. Am I being paranoid, stupid, and jealous? Or are her actions inappropriate? I of course want her to have friends, but why am I being so paranoid when it comes to these two guys? Is it just because it happens to be that they were flirting? Or am I going to carry on being like this with every guy friend she has?
I should reinforce that our relationship is fine apart from that. She loves me, and I love her. She hasn't physically cheated on me. It's just this messaging. (link)
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My first question is why does your relationship have to be secret? If these two men think she is single - then yes they probably feel comfortable flirting with and pursing her. If you two love each other it's time for you to tell your friends. If these guys keep disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship then you need to talk to your girlfriend. She can still be friends with them, but she needs to explain that she's in a relationship and their advances are unwanted.
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Rating: 5
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Hi – what I really wanted to hear was “You are being paranoid, crazy, and jealous” which would have helped me to trust her more. After we had this talk, she does tell me if the two guys have text/messaged her. And she doesn’t really reply. But I’m still on edge, constantly asking who just text her. It’s stupid, because I really want to get over this. And bless her, she really is making an effort. She’s can’t do much else, except for not talk to them at all. Which I think would be unreasonable (however much I want that to happen).
In regards to us not being public. It’s complicated. We currently live together with other housemates, and when we first got together, she was already in the process of breaking a relationship off (long distance). We didn’t want to make everyone else that we live with feel awkward, even though I’m pretty sure they now know. She’s also worried about what people will think as it’s not been a great deal of time since she broke up with her ex. And finally now, she say’s she doesn’t want to go public because she feels her life isn’t in order. She doesn’t have a permanent job, and may have to move back home. We have to be out of the place we are living now, in a couple weeks and we are searching for somewhere short-term to live. I can slightly understand this, to be honest. Maybe I’m just being delusional though – what do you think?
Thanks for the advice though! :)
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