This is quite a long story. please bear with me.
17/f
There's this boy. he and i have been pretty close friends for more than 5 years. When we were younger, we had a little crush on eacother, but we were young, and nothing ever came out of it. A few years after that, when we were about 14, we started talking and i was convinced we were going to end up together. That year, i went on vacation, and when i came back, he had a girlfriend. (ive always hated this girl, just throwing that in there). I was upset with him for a while, but we weren't actually dating or anything, so i did the mature thing and didnt make a big deal out of it. We stayed friends since then.
now here's the "good" part. About a year ago, he and i were talking, and he told me that he's always (and stil has) had feelings for me. (He's still with the same girl from earlier in the story). So when he told me this, i got very excited because i still liked him too. A few months after he told me this, i moved to a new school an hour away. We've been talking since i moved, which was 9 months ago.
A few months ago, probaly in like, june, he tells me he wants to leave his girlfriend of 2 years, because 1. Things between them havent been so great, and 2. he wants to be with me. So since then, we've been talking every night for hours. He still hasnt broken up with her because he doesn't want to hurt her (so he tells me). he always tells me how sorry he is that he can't man up and leave her for me, and i know it sounds like a bunch of crap, but i believe him. A few weeks ago, we met up to hang out. And we kissed. While he still has a girlfriend. I feel super guilty because he still has a girlfriend, but i strangely don't regret it at all. In fact, i think id do it again.he just left for college 5 hours away. His girlfriend is clueless that he and i are even talking.
Am i "the other woman"? Does that make me a bad person? I can't take this anymore, its way too much stress. But i REALLY want to be with him. help?? Thanks so much
Well, yes, you pretty much are "the other woman." It doesn't make you a bad person to be his girl on the side - but it's definitely not something to be too proud of, because this guy is being a cheater.
He's also not putting forth any effort to be exclusive with you right now, and that isn't fair to you. I can only imagine how much you like him; and being a teenage girl, I respect and understand that you like him a lot. I know exactly how it feels to fall hopelessly for someone. But I will tell you from experience that it's never going to be what you want it to be as long as there's another girl besides you in the picture.
I really think you need to respect yourself and say to him, "Listen, if you really like me, you would be exclusive with me. I know that you're afraid of hurting your girlfriend, I understand that you guys have been together for the longest time, but you're lying to her, and that's WORSE. You know I have strong feelings for you, and if you have any of the feelings you say you have for me, you will be with me and only me, or else i can't talk to you anymore." instead of letting him have his way with you.
I can understand that he's been with her for a long time and doesn't want to hurt her, but what he's done/doing is truly wrong to his girlfriend, and to you. He's misleading his girlfriend to think that he is still committed to her when he's really not. How would you feel if you were in his girlfriend's position, and you thought that he was dedicated to you, but he was secretly kissing another girl and telling another girl that he has feelings for her and that he's going to break up with you for her? And how do you know that he doesn't say what he says to you to other girls?
To be honest, I don't think that this guy is worth it. He's dishonest to his girlfriend, so why would you want to start a relationship with a guy like that? I know that he's earned your trust, and that you believe that he's a good guy, but his girlfriend apparently thinks he's a good guy too and that he's dedicated to her, even though he's not at all - because he's slyly convinced you of the same thing. And this isn't the first time he convinced you that he wanted to be with you; he did it before when you were 14 - and he got away with it then just like he is now. I really hope that you will reevaluate your feelings for him and decide if this is really worth all that you're putting into it.
If you really think that he's genuine about his feelings for you, and you're willing to risk the fact that he could possibly do what he's done to his girlfriend to you too, I would give this guy two options: either break things off with the other girl for good if he expects to have ANYTHING with you, (even if it's just another hookup!) or stay with his girlfriend and quit messing with you. It's really not fair what he's doing, and even though it might seem like it's going good now, he's been dragging this "thing" on with you for too long. If he hasn't made a move and dumped his girlfriend by now, it doesn't seem too promising that he randomly will find the courage to do it later unless you give him an ultimatum: you or his girlfriend.
Now, maybe you don't even expect a relationship with him because he's five hours away, I don't know. You didn't really say. But if that's what you were hoping for or that's what you want to eventually happen, you definitely need to confront this guy and tell him how you're feeling. If you want to be more than a notch on his guy's bedpost, that is.
Good luck with this guy, and I hope you will remember that no matter how much you like a guy, respect for yourself comes first - you deserve to be the number one (and ONLY) girl that your guy has feelings for.
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(Rating: 5)
Thank you SO much. You're the best
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