I live in Central Wisconsin. I am married and we have two daughters. In 1997 I earned my degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. In my spare time I study psychology and philosophy.
Gender: Male
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Occupation: Phlebotomy Coordinator (Clinical Laboratory)
Age: 35
Member Since: October 19, 2005
Answers: 118
Last Update: January 24, 2010
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Let me first start by giving you a little back ground information. My ex wife became pregnant when she was 20 and I was 19. Even though it was earlier than we both expected to become parents, we were thrilled and so excited to start our family together. We got married shortly after she gave birth to our son Matt. Soon after that, we had another son, and then a daughter. From my perspective, everything was great. That's why I was so blindsided when my wife came to me 9 months after our daughter was born claiming she wasn't ready to settle down and be a mother with divorce papers in her hand. Almost overnight, I became a 23 year old single father with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 9 month old. After the divorce was final, I rarely heard from my ex wife. She had begun living a life that I didn't necessarily approve of filled with drugs and alcohol and, while I wanted to keep my children as far away from that as possible, she was their mother and I didn’t feel like I could entirely keep them away from her. The last straw, however, came when I let my daughter, Alyssa, (who was 6 at the time) stay with her when I took my sons on a hunting trip. I was supposed to pick her up at noon the Sunday we got back. I spent the entire afternoon calling my ex wife’s apartment with no answer. At 5 that afternoon, I finally just went over to her house where I found her front door wide open and her passed out on the couch from mixing a few too many drugs with alcohol. Her neighbor came over to the apartment and told me that my ex wife had taken Alyssa out one night and come home completely plastered. Thank god her neighbor had woken up and decided to take Alyssa back to her apartment. And this is just one example of many. After that, I told my ex wide that I didn’t want her to see our kids anymore which devastated her so much she entered rehab. She got clean and for the past ten years has seen the kids a few times despite my hesitance. My kids and I have been living a great life together away from my ex wife. A few years ago I began dating another woman whom I am now engaged too. She gets along great with my kids and is an amazing person who I know will be a good influence on my kids’ lives. My oldest son Matt is now in college, but Colton (my middle son) and Alyssa still live with me. Since I have become engaged, my ex wife has become crazy about spending time with the two of them. She wants them at her house every weekend and doesn’t want my fiancé to parent them at all. She is trying to tell my daughter all kinds of lies about why she left, and how I am a horrible person for trying to keep them from seeing her. She tells her that the entire thing was my fault and all kinds of horrible rumors about my fiancé, who went to high school with my ex wife. She has asked both of my kids to move in with her. Colton told her absolutely not, but Alyssa is confused about the whole situation and doesn’t know what she should do. I have full custody of them so essentially it is my choice about whether or not she can see them. I don’t want to take them away from my ex wife, but I don’t want to lose them myself. I am still worried that she will resort back to her old ways and put my kids in danger like she has their whole lives. Am I right to not let my daughter move in with her mom? (link)
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Dear Dad,
Yes, you are right not to let Alyssa move in with your ex-wife. Even if we ignore your ex-wife's long, sordid history and her sudden interest in being a parent, the fact remains that your children benefit most from a consistent, predictable, safe, and loving environment with the parent who knows them best and whom they know best.
No parent is perfect, and regardless of any garden-variety parenting mistakes you have made over the years, you have raised your children lovingly, your way, with your rules, expectations, rewards and punishments, and I can think of no reason to remove Alyssa from her present parent and stick her with a new parent. Again, even if your ex-wife has changed all of her old ways and would make an excellent mother today, that doesn't justify sending Alyssa away from the father she knows all too well to the mother she barely knows at all. Kids need consistency.
I could stop right here but I would like to deconstruct the rest of your story and share my thoughts regarding your ex-wife's history and present behavior. Perhaps this will help you find peace with the fact that none of it matters in the decision you are making (or, likely, you have already made the decision and are just seeking validation for having made it...)
It seems to me that your ex-wife panicked at the direction her life was taking all those years ago and left that life to recover her notion of freedom with reckless abandon. I applaud her for going into rehab and, hopefully (though statistically unlikely) remaining sober all these years.
Perhaps she has been very hard on herself these past 10 years for leaving her family and has experienced a lot of grief, remorse, and regret. And perhaps she had been willing to accept the circumstances of her life and was content with seeing her children occasionally, as long as she could tell herself that, after all, she was STILL their mother.
What broke her from this reverie was your engagement (by the way, congratulations on becoming engaged!). The engagement forced her to acknowledge the truth--that she in fact isn't their mother anymore and has no right to claim them as her children (except biologically). Not willing to accept this, and seeing the only solution as to wrest Alyssa and Colton from your home, she set about manipulating their perception of you and your fiancee in the hope that Alyssa (if not Colton) will choose her over you. It doesn't help that Alyssa is in the throes of adolescence and needs the support of a mother to guide her through this emotionally turbulent period of her life.
What I recommend you do is set some simple ground rules for your ex-wife. 1) She must stop defaming you and your fiancee immediately. 2) She must accept your decision not to let Alyssa move in with her. 3) As a compromise, she should be allowed to spend more time with Alyssa so she has a chance to be a good mother.
I don't think any of your kids are, at least in the immediate future, going to accept your fiancee as their mother. In time, though, and with some patience and diplomatic finesse on the part of your fiancee, Alyssa (and Colton and Matt) should come to accept her as a part of their family. At that point they will open up to her and may even treat her like a mom. But don't expect this and certainly don't demand it--that would only guarantee the exact opposite would happen.
Talk to your fiancee about what you and I have discussed and make sure she fully supports whatever you decide to do. Since you two are marrying and sharing custody of Colton and Alyssa, she should be allowed to participate in your decision-making. However, and I cannot stress this enough, do not let your children know she has had any influence over your decision--if any of them disagrees with you, they could easily use her as a scapegoat for their feelings.
I would really like to hear more from you, especially how things turn out.
Keep in touch!
Dr. Chad
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Rating: 5
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Thank you very much for your help. I had to officailly address the issue today and your thoughts were very helpful.
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