Hello,
I'm a 26-year-old male. I'm 5'5" and weigh 300 pounds. I live at home with my parents and I have no job. My daily activities consist primarily of eating, sleeping and smoking cigars. My hygiene is terrible. I shower maybe twice a week, brush my teeth once a month, don't shave and my wardrobe consists of a t-shirt with food stains, a pair of mesh shorts and sneakers with holes in them.
I wasn't always this way. While I was never Mr. confident, I was able to participate in a variety of activities growing up. As a kid, I took swimming lessons, trumpet lessons and played several hours of basketball a day. In high school, I acted in eighteen theater productions and was a member of the football and bowling teams. I was a good student and upon graduating, I enrolled at the University of Maryland at College Park.
I wasn't overly excited about continuing my education at college, however. I didn't apply to any schools until my father really got on me about it, screaming at the top of his lungs. I guess I wanted to take a year off to consider my options. I also wanted to try my hand at being a professional actor. Though it's a tough business to break into, I know people that did and I was quite good at it. It had become my passion. Looking back, I suppose I should have gotten a part-time job, tried my hand at acting and if need be, go to college later.
Instead, I went to college right away. Despite being part of some high school activities, I am rather shy (ironic, given my ability to perform on stage) and I never really made too many friends. I had some trouble with the roommates I was assigned as well and returned home following my first semester 55 pounds heavier.
I lost the weight when I developed a crush on this girl. The weight loss was unintentional. I just got so nervous thinking about her, I couldn't eat. I allowed this crush to go on too long without making my feelings known. Rather than get to know her better, my mind started imagining what she'd be like (all things I'd like of course!) and so my crush deepened. I was drawn to her confidence, something I lacked. I was so lonely and lost, perhaps I was looking to her to save me.
Needing to pick a major, I chose Marketing. I didn't really know much about it. It's just that the business school was well-respected and I was also steered toward it by my parents as well. The truth is, I didn't know what I wanted to do or be. I was supposed to figure it out those first two years and I never did.
In 2003 I suffered a mental breakdown. Over time, I had become increasingly bitter and angry. I began hating people. Then one day, feeling very angry and lonely, I snapped. I proceeded to fall apart in a very bad way. I began smoking cigarettes and cigars. I stopped going to class, stopped studying. The friends I had abandoned me. And so, it got to a point where I never left my apartment. I ordered food to be delivered three to four times a day, all junk, including a pint of Ben & Jerry's just about every night. I sat on the couch and smoked a pack and a half a day, leaving the butts on the ground outside on the balcony. It got to a point where there were so many cigarette butts on the floor, they doubled as carpeting.
I also developed several phobias, including a germ phobia. I couldn't open doors with my hand. Whenever someone sneezed, I'd hold my breath until I could leave the area. As a kid, I was always a bit obsessive-compulsive (e.g., having to name everything object in the room before I could watch TV) but this breakdown made it all worse.
I was living to die basically. I am not a religious person and so I didn't have religion to hang on to. I began asking why. Why am I here? What is the point? I figured that whatever I do doesn't matter because in the end I will die. Even if I impact someone else's life along the way, in the end, they will die. So, is life simply about packing in as much fun as you can before your time is up? What if you're like me and you no longer enjoy doing things? I wished I was dead. I knew I couldn't take my own life and so I focused on how sad I was that I had been born in the first place.
I beat up a 13-year-old kid who was successfully ripping into me with an onslaught of digs and insults. I was so determined not be bullied, not to take shit from anyone that I lost control. On several occasions, I lashed out at one of my teachers because we didn't see eye to eye.
There was some thought that perhaps my inability to avoid being overcome with this uncontrollable rage might be a result of two concussions that I suffered, one in high school and one in college. It could also explain why my OCD and mild depressive moods that I had as a kid got worse.
(As a kid, I ran away from home a lot and also begged my dad to kill me)
Moving on...
Returning home with a college degree after seven years of going at it, I couldn't land a job. I had a marketing degree but it turns out I didn't really like marketing and my major GPA was terrible anyway. I tried getting a job as a reinsurance accountant because I interned as one and its what my dad does but the lack of an accounting degree proved problematic. Though it's not supposed to factor into their decision, I would not be surprised if my weight also kept me from being hired.
So, here's the thing:
1) I don't know what I can do for a living
2) I don't enjoy very many activities
3) I'm not really interested in the American dream lifestyle
4) I can't afford to see a mental health professional
5) I'm unable to go to crowded places (i.e., the mall, the movies)
6) I'm too afraid to work with strangers
7) I have no friends
8) I'm slowly killing myself with tobacco, over eating and lack of activity
9) I can't let go of the past and stop regretting all of my mistakes
10) I have no work history to put on a resume
11) I've overwhelmed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness
12) I lack something I want, something I can use as motivation
I figure my time is running out. I'll either die from cancer or a heart attack. I certainly allowed myself to have many cavities and receding gums. This may be my last chance.
I need suggestions. I need ideas for what I can do as a start. How do I make a fresh start? Heh, can I give myself amnesia so all the problems go away?
Well, I am not sure if you have a seriously negative feeling about your weight. I would like to say that gaining weight is not always related to eating too much. God created each of us in different ways and programmed us in a unique manner. Some people despite eating less continue to gain fat, while others, no matter how much they eat, they remain lean and thin. So please do not blame yourself for this (God created you like this with a certain purpose even though you say you are not very religious). Try to get involved in some sort of physical activities (you can walk in a park for some time everyday). Please leave the habit of smoking cigars. You should not take something that only harms you and you have to pay money for that as well. It also does not help you to improve your situation. So why smoke it? I understand it is much easier said than done. What you can try you can gradually quit cigar smoking. For example, if, at present, you are smoking 10 cigars each day, from tomorrow try smoking 8 each day. After 2 weeks, Try smoking 6 each day, and so on. Try improving your hygiene standards as well. Not improving that is not going to help you. To help your conditions, you need to think with a positive mind. When you are physically clean and fresh, your mind will also be fresh and you will feel better. Try taking bath once everyday. It is absolutely normal and a very good thing that questions such as "Why am I here?,What is the point?" come to your mind. Most of us do not think why we are in this world and what are we supposed to do here. These questions appearing in your mind only shows you have a very analytical and intellectual mind. Keep it up. To understand these things you need to increase your belief in God. Rely on and ask for help from God, your only true and best friend, and keep trying. See what happens. You are wondering on an extremely important thing as to whatever you do you will (and we all will) die one day. Well this is the biggest reality of life that we all shall die one day and that is where religion has an important role to play. Without having any faith in religion, you will not come to know the real purpose of life. Try reading your religious scripture (Bible/Quran/Torah....?) If you have questions regarding how you would follow your religion ask me the next time. For the moment I will concentrate on other areas. Coming to the 12 points you mentioned at the very end try end here is what you can do:
1) Try getting a marketing related job (your major was marketing). You may not get the job that you want but try accepting whatever you get. You need to start from where even it means you have to do a low grade job. The job that we do does not make us a great human being.
2) It is normal that you are not enjoying a lot of activities since you are very frustrated. Once you take a positive attitude towards life things will start to change. Have faith in God and try to do some meditation.
3) If you are not interested in the American dream lifestyle, no problem at all. Who says America is the happiest nation simply because they are the richest. The old proverb is true, "Money can't buy happiness". It can give a very expensive and comfortable bed but it will not give you the sleep unless you have attained bliss in your heart.
4) If can't afford to see a mental health professional, still no problem. God has created a miraculous computer in your brain which is more powerful than any other human made computer. Make use of that.
5) You are afraid to crowded places because you lack in confidence or you fear what they will think or talk about you and how they will treat you. Don't think so much, when you meet them, give them a beautiful smile and ask how they are doing. You will feel more comfortable. If any one makes fun of you it is their problem. It does not matter what others think about you. You are what you are. So be yourself. You do not have to portray yourself differently to others. God created you the way he wanted with a certain purpose (as I said earlier) and He will guide you.
6) You are not comfortable working with strangers because of the same explanation provided in 5.
7) Well, we all actually have no friends. When I say friends I mean true friends. How many of us have a true friend? Almost none. We may have the impression that we have true friends but more than 99% of our friends are not true friends. You can find a lot of friends in your good times, but when you need them the most (in difficult) times, believe me, it is highly possible not even one will be there with you. No need to have such part time friends.
8) I have explained how you should quit smoking and be involved in physical activities. For over eating, try to reduce it slowly. Let me give a hypothetical example. If you are taking 500 units of food daily, from tomorrow try taking 480 units for two weeks, then 460 units for another week, 440 units for another two weeks, and so on.
9) We all make mistakes. The important thing is whether we are learning from our mistakes. Instead of regretting, take a lesson from your mistake and do not repeat it in future.
10) I am not sure if you can not find a job without a work history. How, then, are the fresh graduates getting jobs?
11) Do not feel yourself to be worthless. You are as good as others if not better. God never intended to make you worthless. Make use of the intellectual mind that God has gifted you.
12) I am not very clear with your last point. I think you are talking about motivating yourself. You need to grow the belief in yourself that if others can do this so can I. Meditation will also help to boost your mental strength and self confidence.
Finally, More than anything else (it is my personal belief), you have to put absolute faith on God and ask for His help. For that you have to help yourself as well. God helps those who help themselves. May God, the Lord of the heavens and the earth, guide you to achieve absolute bliss and glory.
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(Rating: 4)
I am an atheist and I made sure to indicate that in my question, as to ensure that the respondent would not tell me that God is the answer to my problems. As I am not here to attempt to convince you that God does not exist, you should not try to help me by offering me religion. Some of your other advice was encouraging but not very helpful, as "trying" to change and wanting to change hasn't helped so far. If I could cut back on smoking, I would. If I could eat less, I would. My emotional state is preventing me from making improvements in all of these areas. I think I need to find the root of the problem and not simply manipulate its symptoms. It was a tough question to answer, as you do not know me personally and are likely not a therapist but I do appreciate the time you spent answering my question. I will review your answer again and try to use what I can.
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