cloudy_conscience's advice column

askcloudy_conscience

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: I have received good advice on this matter once before (http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=539914) and I'm hoping to receive some more. So that I don't have to go through everything again, I ask that responders take a look at the above-referenced question. To sum up: I had an emotional affair, it's over now, and I'm trying to repair my marriage and earn back my wife's trust. We have one child.

At this time, we are doing as well as could be expected, and both of us are committed to making things right between us again. As one might expect, though, there are a few problems to deal with.

One is that I can't stop thinking about the woman with whom I had this affair ("Jane"). Part of the reason is that she's not someone I just met; she's an old friend from high school that I was in love with then and NEVER really got over. As much as I want to make my marriage work, I'm worried that it's ultimately doomed because I will never be able to get Jane out of my mind and heart. I don't know if I can find again the love I had for my wife if this feeling I have for Jane just won't go away. It's not like I don't want it to; I wish very much that I could love only my wife and give my heart only to her. She's a wonderful woman who deserves nothing less. All I can think to do for now is ignore my feelings for Jane and try to force myself not to think about her... which just isn't working. I can't deny that love and passion for the rest of my life.

Another problem is that Jane was a dear friend of mine, and deeper feelings aside, it was truly wonderful to connect with her again on that level. Although I've severed all contact with her so that I can concentrate on fixing my marriage, I just can't accept the idea that I will never be able to talk with her or see her again.

So, my questions are these:

(1) How can I get Jane off my mind? How can I concentrate on what I must do, which is to fix my marriage and find again the love I felt once for my wife?

(2) Does anyone think it's possible that someday, when my marriage is stronger and the feelings I have for Jane have subsided, that I could try to contact her again and have a more appropriate relationship?

(3) If you can, please imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine that you wanted, as I do, to save your marriage. How long would you try before giving up? I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm thinking if it's a year from now and I still can't get over Jane, maybe that's a sign that I never will and the whole thing is futile - but is a year long enough? Furthermore, since my wife has done no wrong in this situation, would it be wrong of me to leave her just because I can't give her all the love I have to offer?

Thank you in advance!

If you really think that you love your wife and you want to work it out then I say that you continue what you are doing. Give all your attention to your wife, your job, your kids, and your future. Try your best to keep Jane out of your mind, this whole affair may have just been because you never really got over her in high school, but you have to realize both of you have changed. You aren't the same people that you were in high school, yes you are going to have feelings for her because you were in love with her, but that doesn't mean that you are still in love with her. It could just be the memories that you are in love with, think about that.

Second, if you feel like there is no way for you to get Jane out of your mind and that you truly love her, I think that you and your wife need a break. Truthfully, I don't think it's fair that you are thinking of another woman while you are with her. That is completely unfair to her and your child, a marriage is about love and affection for one single person and if you are thinking of someone else, maybe even not physically cheating, but still thinking of them that way thats still wrong. She deserves all of your love and affection and thats what you signed up for by taking your wedding vows. So if you feel you aren't living up to them and you probably never will again, get out, thats whats best for all of you. Otherwise there is going to be alot of pent up anger between you, and things will never be the same.
No I don't think it would be wrong of you to leave her because you can't give her all your love, as a matter of fact I think that would be the more unselfish thing to do in the situation.

Hope I Helped.

Rating: 5

I very much appreciate your advice (and the advice you gave me last time). I feel that there is still a chance that I can rediscover the love I had for my wife, and as long as there is that chance, I will try. But if it becomes clear that it is futile, then I will salvage what honor I have left and let her go find someone who can give her what I cannot. Thank you for your advice, it does help.

bio

I am a 19 year old female. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet. I am funny. I am free-willed. I am a lover. I am a friend. I have been through alot & many people call me their guru. & I will try to give you the healthiest advice possible. I may be young but I have a lot of life experiences in many areas, and since my career will be giving advice I figured I'd give a head start. I can be blunt and will give you my honest opinion, although I will do it in a nice way.
I am married to an amazing guy, we have been together since my Junior year & we can't be happier. I have 2 dogs & they are my babies, life wouldnt be the same without them. I am going into my 2nd year of college, I plan to get a degree in Radiology.

I am currently really busy in my life but I will answer any and all questions that are sent to my inbox. I do my best to get on & answer as many questions as possible whenever I am on. If you wish for me to answer one of your questions please submit them. Thanks.