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Q: 36/m

Briefly, the facts of my situation are as follows:

I had an emotional affair. It was a long-distance matter between me and a woman I used to know before I met my wife. When my wife began to realize what was going on (and it didn't take her long, because I'm lousy at keeping secrets and she's very perceptive) I ended it, and told my affair partner that I would not be contacting her again. I meant it, too.

That might have been the end of it, but a couple of days ago my wife looked into my e-mail account and discovered everything had been going on - things that she had not been aware of and which I had not intended to tell her. To make a long story short, the nature of the affair had turned sexual, and there were E-mails sent back and forth where we described that sort of thing in detail. There were confessions of love from both sides, and intimate revelations of other sorts. There were also plans for us to try to get together sometime soon (plans which I aborted before my wife even found out about anything, because I came to my senses about that much at least). I was lying to my wife about all of these things, and now those lies are fully exposed.

Of course, my wife is furious and terribly hurt, and she is considering ending our marriage.

I am deeply remorseful of what I've done. Right now I can barely look my wife in the eye, because I am so ashamed of myself. I think I might take my own life if I didn't know that it would only make things worse for my wife and child (for now, my child remains unaware of anything wrong, that goodness for that).

I know that I committed a terrible wrong, and I want to make amends and repair my marriage. I need advice on how to do that. I am willing to do literally whatever it takes to make things right again. I want to change myself so that I will be a better man, someone she deserves to have for a husband, instead of the lying cheater that I have proven to be.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do or say to convince her that my intentions are sincere, that I truly am sorry, and that it absolutely will not happen again? Are there any of you out there who have gone through this on either end and might have some advice for what I can do now? And can anyone give me some idea on how I can work to improve myself and my own personal integrity so that this doesn't happen again?

I ask only that responders refrain from slamming me down regarding my wrongful actions - nothing that anyone can say will make me feel worse about it than I already do, so to harp on that will be pointless. Please, just tell me what I can do now.

Getting someones trust back after you cheat can be a very long and difficult process, but if you really care about your wife and family it is possible.
The first step is admitting that you were wrong and apologizing to your wife. Then really all you can do is to try your best and show here that you are really sorry and that you really want to make things work.
She is going to be pissed, I mean who wouldn't be? But everyone makes mistakes and she has to realized that, you may also want to think about maybe seeing a counselor if you can't work the problem out on your own. That can be a very fruitful option.
As for making yourself feel better, you may never forgive yourself for it. You seem like you love your wife and that you are truly sorry and forgiving yourself for hurting the people you love can be harder than people actually forgiving you. You just have to realize that you are human, you aren't perfect and things can fixed and okay. If you really love one another and want things to work then they will, but you have to be willing to work for it. It will be hard, for both of you, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Good Luck with everything and I hope it works out.

Hope I Helped.

Rating: 5

Your advice is very similar to what I have been told by others, and the more I hear it the more I am convinced it is true. Thank you!

bio

I am a 19 year old female. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet. I am funny. I am free-willed. I am a lover. I am a friend. I have been through alot & many people call me their guru. & I will try to give you the healthiest advice possible. I may be young but I have a lot of life experiences in many areas, and since my career will be giving advice I figured I'd give a head start. I can be blunt and will give you my honest opinion, although I will do it in a nice way.
I am married to an amazing guy, we have been together since my Junior year & we can't be happier. I have 2 dogs & they are my babies, life wouldnt be the same without them. I am going into my 2nd year of college, I plan to get a degree in Radiology.

I am currently really busy in my life but I will answer any and all questions that are sent to my inbox. I do my best to get on & answer as many questions as possible whenever I am on. If you wish for me to answer one of your questions please submit them. Thanks.