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Hi Xeneolan,
First of all, I'd like to say how much I enjoy your column-you have given me, and continue to give others, some of the most sensible and compassionate advice I have seen, either on or off Advicenators.
Second of all, please don't be put off by the title of my question! I know that it sounds a little dodgy(and my unease is the reason I'm writing in the first place) but I promise that I'll keep the content of the question as "appropriate" as the very subject matter allows it to be.
Basically, I'm a happy young woman(25) in a very good relationship with a man of about the same age. I love him and would never dream of cheating on him, but lately I have been having a lot of extremely erotic dreams about a young man(aged 17) who works with me. This makes me feel guilty and confused 1) Because it feels like cheating(even though dreams are outwith my control) and 2) Because this boy is so young, I feel almost like a pedophile(hence the title of my question). I do, of course recognize the difference between ephebophila (love of the adolescent) and pedophilia, but I still am surprised and disturbed by my lust for this boy (I have to force myself not to fantasise about him during waking hours-I'd feel like a pervert.
To be honest, I don't quite know what I'm asking you for here, reassurance that what I feel is normal, or a viewpoint on why it might be considered unhealthy. I know that there is a lot of confusion and debate in today's world about the sexualisation of young adults:I know I myself felt ambiguous about my own sexual "visibility" when I was that age. Any thoughts of yours would be appreciated.
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I certainly don't think you're a pedophile. A pedophile is excited particularly by prepubescence and childlike attributes, and while I don't know much about the object of your lust, seventeen is usually old enough for someone to be physically more of a man than a boy. Consider if you'd be attracted to him if he was twelve, and that should put your mind at ease on that score (let's hope). I also wouldn't call you an ephebophile (thanks for teaching me a new word!) unless you habitually focus on teenagers to the exclusion of men closer to your own age. Clearly, that is not the case.
And incidentally, there may be too much sexualization of young adults in today's world, but we should probably remember that a hundred years ago, someone would have been considered a fully-grown adult at the age of 17 (and a thousand years ago, 14 was considered old enough). Our society has probably the highest "Age of Adulthood" in the history of the human race, so if you ask me, it's not surprising that we sometimes find ourselves sexually attracted to those in the 16-19 age group. It's not a perversion; it's just that society has changed faster than our basic human instincts.
What's not particularly healthy is that your focus on this guy seems to be moving into the area of "obsession". Whatever his age, that's not a good thing. There are three things that might help you to get over this.
(1) If you're sexually active with your significant other, you might consider asking him if he would be willing to engage in a little role-playing whereby he would pretend to be a young and perhaps virginal guy. I think that most men would be happy to do something like that once in a while, especially if you're willing to indulge him in something in return.
(2) This solution carries a little more risk, but it also may help even more. Basically, you get to know your 17-year-old coworker as a person. I'm not saying you should date him or anything like that, but just have friendly conversation at work. It will be easier to control these dreams and waking fantasies once you know him in a more well-rounded way. The risk is that you may start to see more and more things that attract you to him, and that could be problematic.
(3) Sometimes it helps to just let your mind indulge in the fantasy, but carry it to its logical extreme. Think of what it would be like to be this guy's prom date, meet his parents, or attend his high-school graduation as his girlfriend. Obviously you're not even considering having such a relationship with him, but if you actually DO think about it in those terms, you may suddenly find that he's a lot less appealing in other ways.
My gut feeling is that this is something you'll get over in time, so give it time. That's really the best solution, because given enough time, he won't BE a teenager anymore.
Oh, and thank you for your kind words! I do my best.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much! You have, as ever, really helped. I actually do know and like this young man as a person, which is what makes this sudden lust a little disturbing, but you're quite right, it's nothing serious.
Thanks again!
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