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Dear Xenolan,
First up, I would like to say that I really rate your column -you have given me in the past (and consistently give everyone else) excellent advice on all topics.
The topic which concerns me most, however is dating and the whole complicated game which is romantic love. Basically, I am suffering (right now, intensely but all the time at a lower level) from the feeling that I am unloveable, that men (I am 24/f) barely notice me, unless they want to abuse me. Let me hasten to except older men(ie n their fifties and sixties) who by and large treat me with both kindness and respect). But with men with whom I want to be sexual, it's a different matter. Take just now. To cut a long story short, two family friends(both in their late fifties) have been staying with me for a while, and last week, their nephew(27) came over. We got on pretty well, so I thought, and on Tuesday he emailed them to ask if he could come over again. I (perhaps presumptuously) thought that I could have been at least a strong contributory factor in this decision(he's friendly with, but not all that clos to them). So today he comes over at twelve noon, stays all day, and seems to be gving off mixed signals. I think he's quite shy, so that could be all it is. We sat very close together while watching T.V.(as we did last week), but when he left at night, he hugged his aunt and uncle much more warmly than he did me(which was not the case last week). True enough, they're emigrating in a couple of weeks, and he might not see them again for a while, but I was still a little hurt. Plus, he didn't ask for any of my contact details. Should I just write it off, or should I risk asking his uncle for his email address. I just feel quite hurt. All my life I've felt barely likeable(at least by people of my own age) and this seems to be borne out by others' treatment of me. I would so much like a loving, caring partner, for sexual as well as emotional reasons, but I am all too aware that my very need may be what scares men off. So, any ideas?
Sorry I've rattled on so much-it's one in the morning, my time, and I'm rather unhappy. I guess I'd invested a lot in this weekend(stupidly, and only semi-consciously)and feel disaapointed that another promising situatuion seems, yet again, to have come to nothing.
If you manage to read this far, thanks for your time! (link)
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First, I am gratified that I've been able to help you before; it is good to know that I've been able to make a few lives a little better! Thank you for your kind words.
Regarding the matter at hand, I'm going to need to have to make a few guesses and say a few things that might sound almost cliche, but there may also be some truth to it. As always, I can't offer guarantees, and I may be off-base. What I suggest you do is to take the advice I offer and discuss it with friends or someone else close to you, to see if someone who knows you personally might concur.
There are some clues to what I think is going on based on what you say, for instance:
- "I am suffering from the feeling that I am unlovable"
- you seem to attract only abusers
- you are afraid that your need for a caring and loving partner is scaring men off.
These statements, and the general tone that I'm reading into your question, lead me to two ideas, which I'll describe one at a time:
(1) I think that you have a poor self-image, and that this is noticeable to others.
To put it in simplest terms, if you're convinced you're unlovable, that's what makes it so. Very few men (or women, for that matter) will want to start a relationship with someone who has a low opinion of themselves. It is emotionally exhausting to spend time with such a person, especially as one gets closer to them. As an example, imagine a man and woman in a relationship, where she feels she is unworthy of love (and incidentally, this sort of thing freely crosses gender lines!).
Essentially, he's placed in a position where he must do twice the work just to keep things afloat. She will need constant reassurance that he loves and cares for her, but she will never really believe any of it. Anything that he does for her that's special or romantic will essentially go unappreciated, as she will think she does not deserve it. She will constantly worry that at any time, he could find someone else and leave her by the roadside - and it's that very attitude that could make it happen!
This is what men will fear when they see a woman who gives off vibes of self-loathing (and it shows like a neon sign!). What men want in a relationship is to be appreciated, and they know that a woman who cannot love herself will never be able to value someone else's love. The only men such a woman will attract are those who WANT her to despise herself so that they can dominate her; in other words, abusers. I think that this is what you are experiencing. In order to find a decent man who will be willing to give his affection, you MUST find some way to see yourself as worthy to receive it.
(2) I think that you have mistaken ideas about what most men want from a relationship.
Most men (most people), in my opinion, have a decent nature and want to do right by others. A lot of men, particularly men your age, want very much to find someone to love and care for. The desire you have for an exclusive, mutually loving relationship is NOT a scary thing to most men! It is also what they want!
If you feel that men are looking for short-term satisfaction and cheap thrills, then odds are those are the ones who will come calling for you. The better kind are out there - they outnumber their less mature peers, as a matter of fact. Seek and ye shall find.
Of course, I don't know what's really going on with this fellow you spent some time with recently. It may be that he was waiting for YOU to show some sign of interest, and whatever signs you were giving were too subtle to notice. Maybe he also has some problems with his sense of self. My instinct tells me that you probably DID have something to do with his wish to come over again. Maybe he didn't give you as warm a departing hug because he WANTED to more than he did last time - and felt self-conscious because of it!
I think that you should give this guy another chance; but first, you need to shake up your own attitude a bit. It isn't about "self-esteem"; that's a FALSE confidence that is both superficial and insincere, and it's worse than genuine self-doubt. What you need to do is find REAL reasons to consider yourself in a better light. First and foremost, remember that EVERYONE has inherent worth; as a 24-year member of the Everyone Club, that means you do too. Find things about yourself that you DO like, and find things that you don't - but which are unimportant. And if you discover things about yourself that really are negative qualities, see about changing them for the better. To be really cheesy about it, give your soul a makeover.
Maybe this guy can be part of it. Go ahead and ask for his E-mail address, and take a chance on him. If it doesn't work out, though, don't take it personally; sometimes it doesn't click.
Bottom line: One who feels unworthy of love will never be able to receive it, no matter how much others might want to give it to them. Whatever it takes for you to get over this self-doubt, you must do, or you will always be lonely.
Oh, one more thing - you might consider posting this question to my wife, Sabine. She has a powerful wisdom about this sort of thing.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you thank you thank you! I have just read your response, and what you say makes so much sense. I'm in a much better place than I was even a year ago-I can now recognize an abuser for what he is, and I am so sck of feeling low about myself all the time. I probably will post the question to Sabine-I'd also welcome a female perpective :-) But your advice has helpd so much. Thanks again!
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