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February 18, 2007Answers:
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No one understands me and I don't mean to talk about only myself. I don't want to come off as arrogant. I hate how everyone thinks I'm selfish [my mother mostly] but can't tell me why they think that. I want to ask them "what do i do that makes me seem selfish to you?" but I don't know how to say that. No one seems to see [except for a few people that have noticed my apparent "big heart", my grandmother and aunt] that I try so hard to make sure everybody's pleased, but I don't take time to do anything for myself, and I go along with what other people want or are doing because I want them to be happy. At home, my mother is planning on divorcing my father. I don't know the whole story, but she filed a domestic violence thing in May against him, but the judge just basically dismissed that and said my parents have to be nice to eachother and to come back to court at the end of July to follow up. Last I heard, my mom was going to file a divorce against my dad, which hasn't happened yet, but neither has the court at the end of the month. Things at home are horrible. My parents fight constantly and at times I think my mother has gone crazy. I love my mom and my dad, but they use me to get dirt on the other all the time. They also both talk to me and my [two younger] siblings one-on-one to tell me why the other parent is wrong/bad/etc. I can't talk to either of them about anything. My mother and I argue constantly because we are both always feeling sorry for ourselves and can't see the other's point of view with anything. My mother also favors my [younger 13-yr-old] sister, and even though my sister takes advantage of my mother and treats her much worse than I ever would. I know that it is a bad time at home right now and that my mom is stressed out and gets angry easily, but why does that give her special privelages to be a jerk to everyone, and if anyone were to be a jerk to her, it would be totally unacceptable? My mother doesn't care about how I feel about much of anything unless it's convinient for her, and even if she did care she wouldn't understand, or want to. My mother thinks that I have no problems and that my life is wonderful. She always tells me that I'm only feeling sorry for myself and that no one cares about what I'm saying, and basically that no one cares about me. Why is it perfectly okay for her to take me for granted? Why do I continue to do nice things for her when she hurts my feelings constantly and doesn't care? Why does she get to yell at me and fight with me all da and expect me not to say anything back? In the mean time, I am constantly feeling worthless and hopeless. It is the same feeling at home and at school. [even though it's summer] In my social life, I don't have any REAL friends. They all use me at one point or another. Most of them don't care about what I have to say, and hardly any of my "friends" want to, or will, listen to my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. People I'm not even close to take advantage of me. I don't have a lot of friends, either. I'm too scared, terrified, to talk to new people. I'm afraid of them and what they will think of me when I open my mouth. I think I come off as a snob or a jerk to them because in truth, I am too intimidated to talk to them, and as a result I don't say much of anything. I also have a habit of dwelling these personal problems on people that (obviously) don't give a care. I can't talk to anyone because I'm afraid of being seen vulnerable. I need some help, and I don't have anyone to talk to but myself through a diary. It doesn't help, and when I look back on what I've written, I just feel sorry for myself again and start crying.
It's not your fault.
We both understand that your mother and father are hurt right now. But even so... I would like to remind you that their behavior is childish and immature... And it's not your fault. You are trying the best you can... And your mother's accusations of selfishness are unfair.
I don't need to tell you to be patient, tolerant, forgiving... The bigger person. You all ready know, because you all ready are. THAT is the reason that you don't yell at her and say cruel things... THAT is the reason you don't speak when your parents try to use you to hurt each other.
I understand why you feel sorry for yourself. You feel like you are about to lose your mind and that no one sympathizes with you. But you are wrong. You are never alone. And because you are never alone, I'm going to ask you to do something for yourself... Be strong. Not strong for your parents or friends, be strong for you.
You feel like a victim because you feel like you can't control anything that is happening to you. But you can control yourself. You can control your feelings, your thoughts, your words, and your actions. People can't hurt you, can't take advantage of you if you don't let them. I know you're afraid of rocking the boat and maybe hurting someones' feelings... But you have to think about YOU, you're top priority is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I know that it's all hard to take and hard to do. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I encourage you to do so... Talk to your aunt, your grandmother... Make an appointment with either your family physician or your school guidance counselor and tell them what you told me. They can provide you the support you need at this difficult time.
My thoughts are with you.
(Rating: 5) a thousand times, thank you! i love all of your advice, and i really appreciate that you took the time to answer my question. i look forward to reading more of your advice in the future. with much appreciation, sincerely yours.