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February 18, 2007Answers:
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We recently found out my dad has a girlfriend and has had her for a few years. My parents are now going thru a divorce and have been for the past two years (since we found out) He says he wants a relationship with my older sister and I but shows us otherwise. He is verbally abusive to us and when living at home he started drinking heavily and started to get physically abusive. I just want to know how to get over not having the man I looked up to my whole life? I am 24 years old and I dont want this to affect anymore of my personal relationships any longer. So if anyone has any advice please let me know how to get over my dad leaving me and how to not let it affect my future relationships? Thanks!
You know... I grew up being told my father was an awful person and that he didn't love me. Maybe never in those exact words... But it was always implied. And I thought that because he had chosen not to be a part of my life... That must mean that there was something wrong me. Maybe if my own father could not love me... No man ever would.
This outlook affected many of my relationships in different ways. In the past, I've had difficulty opening up emotionally to men. I thought that they wouldn't care what I thought or felt. (Because there was something wrong with me.) If they expressed any sort of interest, I thought it was because they didn't know me yet... But once they did they would leave me. (Because there was something wrong with me.)
Really... That was not the case. Many men interpreted my shyness as a lack of interest, or coldness. After trying so many times to get me to open up to them and being pushed away... They got discouraged and left.
And so... My theory that I would be abandoned by every man I cared about... Was self-perpetuating. It wasn't that something was wrong with me... The problem was that I believed that something was wrong with me. Until you love yourself you will never be able to believe that anyone loves you.
So... Whether you are a guy or a girl... Try to realize that... 1.) Your father is not an swful person. His behavior might be awful... But awful behavior is usually the result of deeper emotional issues. Your father is hurting... That's the reason why he acts the way he does. It doesn't justify his behavior... But sometimes it's a lot easier to forgive the behavior if you know where it comes from.
Also realize that you are not the cause of your father's behavior... No matter what he says to you. It's not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. If you can realize that... If you can look in the mirror and say, "I love you," you'll be okay. If you can realize this then your relationships won't be affected like my relationships were. And you won't have to fear turning into your father either.
I know that my words will not take away the pain. I wish they could. But remember, no matter how much it hurts... One day the hurt will pass. You're going to be okay. ;)
(Rating: 5) Thank you so much for your advice. This all really made sense and on some level I have known all of the things you have wrote to me. Its just so different to hear them from someone else. I have pushed every guy that came into my life out VERY QUICKLY except one and I have a second shot at a relationship with him so hopefully I will be able to realize that I have a problem and do something about it. Again thank you!