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I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 29. He has a nine year old daughter. He and her mom got married when she was born but it was really unhappy, from what he says her mom never wanted him around. After five years they got a divorce and she moved to New Mexico, where her family is, and took their daughter. He didn't want his daughter to see any more fighting so he didn't fight for custody, he was afraid of the things his wife would do or say and couldn't afford a messy divorce anyway, but he did his best to keep in contact.

About a year ago he met me and we started dating, and we're totally in love, he's an amazing guy who does everything for me. And things are better between him and his ex wife... she's actually been letting him talk to his daugher, and last time he visited she was a lot nicer and let him be with his daughter the whole time.

The problem is that because he lives so far away from his daughter he can't visit very often. They're about 15 hours away in a tiny little town where he'd never get a job, but he could move to a city four hours away from them and maybe see her more. But he's not sure he wants that, especially since I love my job so much and we're talking about getting engaged. It's really up to me... if I tell him I'll follow him, we'll move. He sort of thinks sometimes that it's better for his daughter if he keeps his distance to avoid fighting with her mom, but my parents said if he wants to be a good dad he'll do whatever it takes to see her all the time.

I'm asking this question here because I bet some of you have divorced parents... did they do things to try and live by you? If not, how awful did that make your life? If you could ask your parent to give up their job and friends to come live by you and see you more instead of just calling on the phone, would you? If this is the guy for me, do we have to move, or does visiting 3-4 times a year make up for it? What if we just fly her out to spend summers with us? I really love my job here but I want to do the right thing for his little girl. Will we hurt her more by trying to see her, because it means fighting with her mom sometimes? Is my boyfriend a bad father for not doing EVERYTHING possible to get custody and be a dad? Please help, and don't be afraid to be honest, I need to hear the truth, I've been struggling with this problem a LOT.

I do not believe there is a clear answer to your question. I can't say whether or not your boyfriend is a bad father or a good father... And I don't think anyone else can either. We don't know this man, we are in no position to judge. Besides... Does anyone know what separates good parents from bad parents?

When I ask myself the last question... The only answer that comes to mind is: LOVE. Both my parents have made good decisions and bad decisions while raising me. But I know that every decision they made, they made in MY best interest, because they loved me.

And now... I'm going to tell you a story... Because it might help you. When I was conceived, my father had a serious drinking problem. That's why my mother divorced him and moved out of state before I was born. I saw my father a twice before the age of four. After that, my mother met another man, my step-father, who later adopted me when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't hear from my biological father again until I was twenty years old.

I know what the reasoning behind those decisions are. My mother considered my father unfit to raise a child, and feared that she might die. In the event of her death, she wanted to make sure that someone she considered responsible would be my care-taker. And my father, after speaking to my mother the last time, thought that perhaps she was right. Maybe he was unfit to parent a child.

People have asked whether or not my father's absence affected me in a negative way. Yes... But what my mother told me about my father affected me more than my father's actual absence. I was told that he was an awful person, and that he didn't love me. Since he wasn't there to defend himself, I believed it. Hey, I was a child, I was impressionable.

Being told that my father didn't love me, and that was the reason he wasn't a part of my life, made me feel... Made me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I struggled with this for many years, it contributed to my seven year war with depression, and affected almost every relationship I had with the opposite sex.

However...At the age of twenty, I realized that if I had questions... Why not just ask the only person who could give me an honest answer? So I found my father...

I live in Georgia, and he still lives in Texas. We talk on the phone, but we only see each other for a week every year. But that is enough. It's enough because I know he loves me, and that he ALWAYS has, and I know why he did what he did. We have a great relationship... A much better relationship than I ever had with my step-father. While I lived in the same house with my step-father for 16 years, and called him "Dad"... We were never close. He didn't really talk to me, we didn't really spend quality time with each other. But when I talk to my father... He wants to know everything about me. What I've been doing, what I think about, no detail is too boring, nothing I say is unimportant. And when I do see him, we have that quality time with each other. To laugh together, to talk with each other, to hug... And those are the important things...

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... If your boyfriend really loves his daughter, if he talks to her, and spends quality time with her when he gets a chance... Then he is a good father, at least in my opinion, and I think that everything is going to be just fine.

Try not to stress out too much about whether or not you guys should live closer. If you can, that's great. If not... One day that little girl is going to grow into a woman, and she will understand. Wherever you are right now, the two of you have built a life together there... And sometimes that life isn't easy to abandon. It doesn't make you or your boyfriend selfish, it's just the way life is. She might have trouble understanding that as a child, but once she lives is the real world herself... She'll know. What might make it easier for her while she is a child, is if you do take those necessary steps to see her when possible, whenever you can. Remember that she just wants to be a part of your lives... And letting her be a part of your lives is what makes the difference.

You know... I think this girl is very lucky. Lucky to have someone like you in her life. You might not be her mother, but it's obvious that you care about her and what happens to her... Otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about this situation.

Wow... This is really long. Sorry. I didn't mean to write a novel. Guess I'll shut up now... Good luck to you. Adieu ;)

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(Rating: 5) Thank you for taking the time to help me so much, that helped a lot, I hope you stick around here and keep your column up because you rock!
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