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I have an emotional dilemma. I have a male friend who I have known for over 25 years. We talk at least three times a day, discuss politics and history, like the same movies and books, grew up in the same neighborhood, enjoy the same lifestyles. We’ve been through a lot together and he has always been generous to me, and helped me in my business and personal life.
However, we both have had two marriages each to other people (we're both divorced right now). I never felt a physical attraction to him, that is, until just in the past eight months. To my surprise, he’s a passionate lover. I find myself feeling things for him that I’ve never felt before.
Now we have to decide whether to be together, but there’s a problem. I don’t think we want the same things in relationships. He says that I have to give up trying to control the relationship, and I say a relationship is a 50-50 proposition. I think he punishes me by withholding affection and being critical, and he says if I feel that way I should move on. He says he wants me to be submissive to him, but that just seems like the start of an abusive relationship to me. He says I'm just used to being in charge all the time and he's not having it.
I suspect his attitude is probably one of the reasons why he hasn’t had successful marriages, but I haven't been a success at marriage either. I just can’t see clearly right now. Should I at least try to change to accommodate him or should I just move on???
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I've never been married, but it sounds to me like that was one of the reasons(like you said) his marriage ended.
Before you start to date seriously, you need to have a talk with him. Relationships are supposed to be shared, and although you shouldnt control the entire thing, neither should he. In the dictionary it says :
Relationship, N: A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
It needs to work between both of you, and although in relationships one tends to be the dominant one, you shouldnt let him talk that way towards you and try to control you like that. It's not fair and it's not love. If you think he would ever abuse you in any way I would get out now and just remain friends. It seems like you guys had a better time that way anyway.
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Rating: 5
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You're right about how relationships should be. Getting back to just being friends is going to be hard because I honestly haven't had a lover like that in a very long time (even in my marriages). But that's usually the hook abusers use, sex. I never saw that side of him. So thanks for your help.....
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