Member Since: April 19, 2021
Answers: 179
Last Update: June 27, 2022
Visitors: 7609
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The charge is a check fraud charge and it is a seven month sentence. My daughter she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. They have a good relationship. The main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom having to wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. My wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea. She hasn't gone yet so we can still discuss it together. (link)
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You are hesitating and with good reason. There are many possibilities when it comes to how this might impact on your daughter. Certainly, her mother is not an ideal role model, to say the least.
If I were you, I think I'd let them correspond, talk on the phone , even, but let it go at that.
Prison, jail, is not a healthy or positive environment and I would not expose her to it.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hello Everyone I am a teenager and I am 17,and from India Some months ago I went into this online relationship with a man, seriously a man whose age is 23, now I met him through some game where we could actually talk and I could talk in front of 3 guys including him I was very confident and in his eyes also I impressed him but now I have lost that all after the day i got into relationship with him. He proposed me and he is very attractive and matured I just said yes in flow but yeah I did like him but never thought of going too far and I never knew that what was going to happen after. It seems like I was not quiet ready for the relationship maybe. I used to get scared and nervous later on, on his texts and when he used to call me. I never used to give my efforts and I used to feel guilty too but there were feelings for him it's like I am not able to express myself. I go blank when I am in his presence, my hands get cold and my heart beats so fast. It's not the only thing that happens I kind of get jealous when I see her female friends when they are very friendly and I feel like I wish if I could be with him too. Then I see his brother and other friends whom have great personality too I feel they would definitely think me I am boring and I am dumb, What if my boyfriend talks about my personality I would be so embarrassed. I never felt this , this is the first time I am feeling intense Fear with excitement because I feel my boyfriend is special to me. I feel guilty everyday and regret that I am not putting any efforts and whatever happens I am responsible for that, I told him about my nervousness he said "You have to talk about your problems with me not just sit ideally with your problem" And I said him many times that I really wanna talk to you but I can't I get nervous so he said "Please stop this" I am just giving up everyday I feel so embarrassed and what is he thinking about me. It's just not about talking I could not even get sarcastic around him I just don't know what's happening. Experiencing this for the first time in my life. I am feeling that I am just disappointing him which is true I am just giving up please advice me. (link)
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Honey, you are young. This is a new experience for you, and its normal to feel nervous. But you are feeling nervous and anxious abou feeling nervous ! You do need to relax more.
Try not to make this relationship so important to you. Indeed, it is just the beginning of what is to come...you will have relationships that will come and go, including this one. There will be many more young men in your life.
The chances are good that he is probably more interested in having sex with you, and you need to decide if this is something you want to happen or not. You said "He proposed me"? Did that mean he offered to marry you? How long have you known him? It doeesn't sound at all like you are ready to marry anyone yet.
Take it easy,slow down, look around, and don't give all your time , energy or attention to this one person, would be my advice to you.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I drew something that can easily look inappropriate but I had no inappropriate intentions behind it I’m really embarrassed what should I do (link)
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without more details, its impossible to advise you. For example, who is seeing what you drew? Is it on the internet? Do you have the chance to remove it, or how did people react? How old are you And what did you draw and what did it look like? Write again, and someone will advise you further, I hope. Meanwhile, life goes on, nevertheless !
Good Wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I've wanted to get my ears pierced since forever, but my mother hasn't let me until recently. Actually, she promised me that she would take me (because you need a parent or guardian to get them pierced) about 2 years ago, but since then, she's just kept pushing it back and not going through with her promise even though I kept reminding her and asking her. She always has some excuse. So finally, she made an appointment to get them pierced recently. Only, the day that I was supposed to go, she cancelled AGAIN, and moved it without even telling me. Her reasoning is that the new Delta variant of COVID is a lot worse, and I have only just gotten my first shot. The problem is, she was the one who wouldn't let me get the vaccine when it was first was approved for 12-15 year olds (I'm 16 now, but I was 15 then). I wanted to get vaccinated immediately so it wouldn't affect my life afterwards, but she refused to let me because she didn't trust it even though it was literally tested on so many people. She made all these decisions without even asking me or listening to what I have to say, and now she's telling me she already explained herself, and I have no right to be upset about it. She didn't, by the way, explain herself at all, and just kept saying that I couldn't get my ears pierced and refused to talk to me when I asked her to explain. She's always been super controlling about everything, but how can she possibly expect to be able to control my emotions? Am I not allowed to be upset that she didn't keep her promise, and that her decision affected something I was really looking forward to? (link)
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There's more going on here than the question about getting pierced ears. You and your mom have had a long standing problem in communication and decision making , that precedes the latest issue about piercing. And that's more important.
As for the covid current scare with delta variants, your mom may be right about postponing for the time being, not because of her general reluctance .
Look: first, she's not likely to change all that much, since this has always been like this.
Second, you have two years to go. The second you turn eighteen, it will be entirely your choice, and you can go ahead and get multiple ear piercings, if that be your preference !
Meanwhile, are you making plans for other changes when you turn eighteen? Like:going off to college? Living away from home? Or........? That will solve a lot of this, and inthe meantime, hang in there, knowing that it won't be forever!
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hi :) My name is Jane and I’m 22.
I dont even know where to begin. I start my 1st year of my Masters degree in a few weeks. I got rid of my one toxic friend from high school about 2 years ago. I tried to be friends with but I just couldnt continue.
And this one “friend” is also from high school. I gave her another chance bc before that I told her I dont wanna be friends with her. She always tells me how are we gonna travel during the summer but we never do. When we would hang out, it would always be only 2 hours…always. And it was always exhausting bc no matter what we talked about, she alway had to outdo me and be better than me.
I study translation and i told her that I got translating part-time job, she told me she also got translation job and that she has to use Google Translate bc she studies engineering!!
She always has to make sure she is better. She got red diploma and she had to ask me “But you got blue diploma right?” I could go on and on. When we met during summer she told me where she has been but she didnt mention anything about her promised plans to hang out during summer.
I also paid for her drink one time and she told me she would pay me back. We’ve been for a drunk three times and she never paid me back. I almost paid for the last time we were out but im not stupid so she had to pay me.
I just wanna ask if its ok to block her. I dont wanna be friends with her. She is a terrible person and everytime I came back home I was crying bc I couldnt handle it anymore. Im just worried what she will tell others bc we have mutual friends. I dont wanna be seen as the bad guy, when its me who is being used. In 2 years we will have highschool reunion and I dont know what will I do. The saddest thing is that she was “nobody” in high school. Not many people talked to her.
I dont know why i attract toxic friends :/ (link)
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Do you REALLY attract toxic friends, as you have said? If so, take a good look at what's going on with yourself, if there's indeed a pattern, and try to understand it, including consulting a counselor, if need be.
No one is obligated to continue friendships that aren't healthy, aren't reciprocal, or fulfilling.
This girl apparently has had a history of problematic or no relationships, you are not the first, nor will you be the last of this sort.
You are also at an age and at a crossroad in your life , where it may be time to move on in any case. Friends do move on, not many keep and maintain lifelong relationships from their younger years.
So, don't be hard on yourself, do what's best for you, and clearly, that doesn't include your continuing friendship with this person.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I can't tell if this guy I like is flirting, or being friendly, or if he was just tired at the time. The reason why I think he's flirting is because he said things like "My are you a lovely yet deadly little rose," and "Awh that's adorable" and gave me those suggestive emoji-things.
He has flirted with me before, and it has looked like this every time. Yet he has also told me that he's weird and "annoying" when he's tired. This seems to be the actions he takes when exhausted. (And it was early for him at the time.) Is he just like this though?
I'm stuck, because I automatically reciprocate, and I don't know if I should. I have no idea what to do in this situation, especially when he's told me that we can't do anything because he's six hours ahead.
I'm actually very much in love with him, not lying, and I don't know if I should hold onto hope or not. I deal with the time difference very easily and don't understand what the problem is. I'm really anxious about it… (link)
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"Six hours ahead"? Is this a long distance acquaintance? One you are contacting on line? If so, do know that long distance relationships are notorious for not coming to much of anything.
What you described, however, sounds as if he is somewhat weird, which is what he told you he was.
You say you are in love with him, but you don't know him well enough to grasp whether he's flirting with you or not, etc.
What is it you are in love with ? He doesn't sound like a normal person to me. If things are so difficult that you don't understand what he intends or means, and he gives you such odd comments and responses, well, I'd steer clear of him and seek out someone else who falls within normal range. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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I meet with some friends for dinner yesterday. There was 6 of us. My friend invited two of her friends and I invited two of my friends. The last time I met with her friends I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t believed that I related to them. A couple of the things they were talking about mad me feel uncomfortable. Like for instance worst date experience and smoking edibles. That’s not something I want to talk about. Nevertheless, I felt sad and I judged myself as being different. Her friend aren’t people I would be friends with. But, I also felt upset my friend and I didn’t get a chance to talk. This time I thought that by having two of my friends I would be much more comfortable. Again, left feeling uncomfortable and anxious that It sucks because my friends enjoyed themselves and wants to hang out again together and I don’t. I believe being introvert and socially anxious plays a role. But also I hate to say I don’t really want to be friends with her friends. If it was just my friends I would have been more comfortable but I would still like to hangout one on one. Although part of me wants to get outside my comfort zone, I want to also accept who I am. Maybe I don’t need to hang out in groups for now if I’m not enjoying myself. Maybe it would be better if we were actually doing something fun I could enjoy. I’ve tried to hang out with her friends twice and it’s clear we’re not a match. Should I look at this as an opportunity to grow and get more practice in a group setting? Or should I accept that I have a preference and that’s okay. The fact that I’m even open to meeting as a group shows my willingness to grow. But I just don’t feel fulfilled as a would in a group setting. I’m trying to find a balance between being true to who I am and growing as a person. (link)
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First, its impossible to like or be friends with everyone, we are all so different from each other. But try to look for what you may have in common, and you just might be surprised.
You are entitled to pick and choose those with whom
Not everyone is comfortable in large groups, many prefer either being by themselves or with just one other person a a time.
So don't be so hard on yourself or put yourself down, because you didn't fit well with the people you described.
So I think you should honor your own preferences and live whatever ife style makes you happiest. If you are interested in growing, or possibly changing, try small steps a a time, and see where it leads. But if not, that's okay too.
Just be sure to keep on being your own best friend. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I am 19 years old and I am a female my partner Is also 19 years and we loved each other. I and my boyfriend had been dating for a while now. Until one day we did sex . Then I moved away from him to go further my studies . One day he video call me to show him my viganal part in the phone . The problem with me I have never seen such things before nor showing it but once I told him that he was like are you shy of me ? Why are you shy if I had slept with you already?? What should I do?? Should I show it to him? And the time when am going to be with him is very far and he might think am ignoring him. I need advice please. (link)
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The short answer is a great big NO !!! Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you post electronically can and most likely will be shared with others, strangers, the internet, and more. And you will never be able to control who gets it, ever .Permanently.
The longer answer includes not doing things like this because soeone else wants you to do it, if you have any hesitation at all yourself. Its not about being shy; its about stupidity and staying safe.
Honey, you are naive. Look the word up. Learn how to spell "my viganal part", correctly. And while you're at it, I sure hope you are smart enough to know how to use birth control regularly and correctly, every single time. You don't need to become a single mom, or even a married one right now.
And if your so - called "boyfriend", who sounds more like someone using you for sex, pressures you to do what you don't want to do or have the slightest doubts about doing, as you clearly have, do not worry about pleasing him at your own expense. Instead, always be your own best friend, first !
So do the right thing, for yourself ! Dr. Stephanie
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My 10 yo kid brother has always been spoiled by my mom. He's the baby of the family, and has had life easy ever since he was born. He has one chore, which is to set the table, and often never even does it, and when I try to remind him to, my parents get mad at me, and tell me to just help out. I'm not unwilling to help out, as setting the table is a pretty simple task, but it's his responsibility and he only actually does his chore like, at most, once a week, the other times, we just give up and do it ourselves. And recently, he seems to be going through this phase. He's super vicious and mean, throws tantrums about EVERYTHING, and doesn't even realize how bad his behavior is. He will not do anything he doesn't want to, unless he is forced into it, and gives attitude at the reminder of doing something he doesn't want to. He always thinks he's right, and anytime someone tries to tell him otherwise, he throws a tantrum, and either just gets let off the hook, or just gets a light scolding. He also never thinks anything is his fault. Everything is automatically someone else's fault and he will straight up deny anything being his fault even if we quite literally see him doing it. He will deny it until we give up. I know it's not my place to parent him, but living with him is really hard and I just have to avoid him because I find it very difficult to be nice to him. My mom still sees him through rose colored lenses, and thinks that he's an angel and his personality is great. Of course, he does get scolded sometimes when he crosses the line or hits a pet peeve of my parents, but he throws a tantrum whenever he gets scolded or lectured, and insists that he's not at fault. And I don't want to be a bad older sister, but he's just SO rude all the time, and annoys me so much. My dad tells me to cut him some slack because he's still young, or to just ignore him, but I just can't. So I mostly avoid interactions with him, but any interactions we do have, usually end badly. How do I deal with this? (link)
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You gave your little brother's age, but not your own, which could make a difference in how we answer you. But in general, your brother's bad behavior is the direct result of bad parenting, and until and if your parents change how they handle him, he's not going to change either. Unless he gets worse. The best you can do is to find ways to separate yourself from him, such as going in your room and getting an inside lock on your door, if your parents will allow it.
It may also help if your brother learns that, with you, he can't get away with the same things that he does with your parents. This won't make you the "bad older sister", it will , instead, teach him that he won't be able to get away with bad behavior with everyone.
Most importantly, your parents really need to be in family counseling...along with both of you. All you can do is suggest it. They need to learn much about discipline, setting expectations, and following through consistently. Until and unless they do this, they aren't doing your brother any favors by teaching him to be the brat he has become. It will only get worse over time.
If you like, please feel free to share my answer with them. The best possible thing to be done is to get into family therapy...YESTERDAY !
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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i am from kenya, i bled when doing sex after 3 years of child birth will it occur the second time and is it normal
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i AGREE WITH YOUR PREVIOUS ANSWER, THAT THIS IS A MEDICAL/HEALTH QUESTION AND SHOULD BE ASKED OF A PHYSICIAN, PREFERABLY YOUR GYNECOLOGIST. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,NOW IS THE TIME TO GET ONE. GOOD LUCK, DR. STEPHANIE
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40m, roommate is 56, he is recently divorced. I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I pretty much wanna be alone 95% of the time, if not more. He's the kind of guy that will talk to strangers like nothing. When we met, I was high all the time and drinking more often than not. Under those circumstances, I become more social. But when I'm sober, I like to keep to myself. He was under the impression that I was always that high/drunk guy he met. We used to pretty much only hang out at those times. Now that we're roommates, he's expressed his dissatisfaction with me being in my room all the time. I mostly quit drinking and smoking, and he tries to get me to drink so we can hang out more. He'll go as far as to say that I'm avoiding him. If I keep to myself for more than a few days. Which granted, I do avoid him sometimes. He can be draining. He'll still drink and want to hang out but I really don't. mostly. It gets annoying cause he comes into my room (which I hate) just to tell me whatever dumb shit and it really annoys me. On top of that, he's also super sensitive and takes everything personally and makes all kinds of assumptions. I'm starting to feel like I need to change myself just to appease him. He's a grown ass man, he should act differently, but NOPE! I've never had a roommate give me shit for doing my own thing. He needs a friend, but I just don't wanna be that friend that's always hanging out. He doesn't have much to offer in terms of conversation either. We get along for the most part, but sometimes I guess he just cant stand being alone and becomes needy and annoying. He's also buzzed every single day, so he has that need to socialize, which I don't. I get it, but unless I'm also drinking, I'm not very social. He'll knock on my door and I'll say "yeah?" and to him, I guess that means "come right in". Which it does not. one time I locked my door and he got all butthurt about it. I told him that "yeah" does not mean "come in" and he says "to me it does". If he actually asks if he can come in and I say "not right now, whats up?" He'll take it personally and storm off all grumbling and mumbling. Instead of just saying whatever it was he was gonna tell me. Most of the time its dumb and I just don't really care. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with this guy. If he creates drama, my tendency is to just get away from him and stay away. Its not so bad that I want to leave, but its just annoying, I feel like he wants us to be best buds and I'm like "meh, I just wanna be alone dude." I'd like to suggest he get more friends, but I'm sure he won't take that well. He'd probably just end up going to bars and getting covid. Which is worse. Any advice? And by the way, I can't rate unless I register, so thanks in advance. (link)
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The two of you are clearly mis-matched, which you already know. WHile you remain together, you need to set some firm, explicit boundaries about what you can and will or can't or won't choose to do.
You didn't explain the circumstances that brought you together, nor how long you have been room mates. But doesn't it seem clear that the relationship needs to end?
Start looking for somewhere else to live.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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My friend is super insecure about everything and super clingy. She texts constantly and it's not that I don't like hearing from her, but she just makes me SO emotionally exhausted because every conversation we have ends up with her making self-deprecating jokes or her needing constant reassurance that I'm still her friend. Of course I'm willing to reassure her about these things, but having to do it all the time is just really exhausting. I have my own problems and I can't be putting all my time and energy into making her feel better. I know that if I tell her this though, she'll get super hurt and insecure, and it will probably backfire and I'll have to spend even more energy convincing her that just because I think she's being a little clingy doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with her anymore. How do I fix this without hurting her feelings? And please don't tell me "your friend needs professional help" or anything like that because that's not really helpful and she already has a therapist. The problem is she's treating me like another therapist. (link)
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You have already partly answered your own questions, when you said that you are being treated like another therapist, which you aren't.
Is it like pouring water into a bucket with holes? You cant fix her. It may also be that neither can the therapist fix her...so much depends upon a "good fit", the therapist's training and personality, and more, including how bad off your friend really is.
In any case, its not your job , nor could you do it, even if it were.
So what's left is to be realistic and to save yourself. No matter what you try ot say to her, she's probably going to feel hurt and rejected, and you can't help that, no matter how kind and nice you try to be.
You have to decide whether you have the time and energy to spend with her, or not. And from what you've described, its draining you, at best.
Once you see that its neither your place nor even possible for you to "fix" her, the only other choice remaining to you will be to back off and save yourself. You can either choose to limit how much time/attention you have to give her, before it stresses you out, and stick to that; or, back off entirely.
Of course she'll be hurt. Of course, she'll take it the wrong way. And of course, you need to take care of yourself here, as your topmost priority.
Don't feel guilty. Self preseration is healthy and the right thing to do. I hope, as you do, that your friend will receive the professional help she needs and get better. Either way, your mission will be to take care of yourself. Good wishes,
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hey! my bestfriend is hanging out with new friends and i m happy for her because she s happy but i don t really want her to get in a bad entourage and after it to regret it. we don t really go out very much like we used to do and her bf don t even won t to let her go in some place without him, we still get along and talk everyday and i really trust and care for her but she often make me feel sad and pressured.it is my fault? am i being too possesive? (link)
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My first thought is that her boyfriend is the one who is being too controlling and overpossesive ! Having said this, time marches on, people grow away from each other, make new friends, develop different life styles, etc. You have to let go, if she has moved on, and seek out other , newer friends. But be her friend, and supportive of her. She sounds like she is going to need it. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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I'm a 30 year-old woman seeking to buy a home with my mother-in-law. Note, I call her my mother-in-law because I’ve been with her son for over 10 years. Her son and I are not married yet. She loves me like a daughter and has stepped to fill the role as my mother ever since my biological mother passed away on November 6th, 2018.
My reasons for purchasing this home with her have nothing to do with me looking for a handout. I’m actually trying to do this with as little help as possible, while having the least impact on anyone else.
I explained that I don’t like the idea of getting something for nothing and my mother-in-law who loves me like a daughter said that she would help me pay for the home, using money that my brother-in-law had put into savings for her. (This is savings that her own earnings contributed to. He controls her finances, because due to her limited income, she has not always made the best financial choices.)
Originally, my brother-in-law and his wife were going to purchase a home for his mother-in-law, my boyfriend, and I. Eventually, that would house would belong to us once the mortgage was paid off.
That would have made the most sense at the time. I was making just $50,000 a year, a starter salary that although you can arguably buy a home in the area where we are talking about moving to, would have made it very difficult. Recently, however I received a $25,000 a year annual raise, and came into a late inheritance from my late grandmother (we sold her home… and got some money out of the deal. She had taken out a reverse mortgage when she died, and there were liens against the house because we didn't know that we still technically owned the home, after she passed away.)
However, I am at the point where I can save 25% (over $1,000) of my monthly check which in a year’s time should give me over $20,000, including the money that I already have saved up, that will contribute towards a 10% down payment for a home that is $250,000 or lower.
There are, also, government programs that may come into legislation (i.e. $25,000 down payment from the U.S. for first-generation home owners, and a $10,000 tax credit for first-time home owners) that might make it easier for me to pursue this goal. However, even if those programs do pass, my mother-in-law’s assistance could either allow us to put more equity in the home, in case we ever need to cover home maintenance costs, give us a better rate, or buy us a more valuable home.
To avoid PMI and be able to ensure that I can maintain my lifestyle during emergency, I need help procuring the other 10%, as well as emergency savings. I would never buy a home without having emergency savings... and avoiding PMI would be great.
There is a program in my state that I will qualify for as a first-time homeowner, where they will give new homeowners $10,000 towards down payment assistance or closing costs. I’m not too concerned about home inspection costs… since that should only cost $300 to $500, based on the house that we are considered purchasing. That seems feasible for me.
I, also, checked out mortgage rates and I would only need to pay 3.625% interest for a 30-year mortgage, based on my current credit score. While that’s not wonderful considering that monthly mortgages are at their lowest rates than ever, during normal times that is fine.
For those of you curious as to why I’m not waiting until I have the money to do this on my own in a few years… it’s because there are other considerations.
My mother-in-law, who will be living with me and my boyfriend, wants to retire, and due to our close proximity to NYC, where we live is very expensive. Not only is it hard on her considering that she is a former waitress, a job that didn't give her a pension or a 401(k) and drives people to the airport on the side, but she also faces nothing but drama with living so close to her sister and her sister’s children who are all pushing 40 and have no emergency savings… so they constantly rely on her and my brother-in-law for money.
While the area where we’re moving to might seem like a high cost of living compared to where other people in our country live, the cost of living is much cheaper there than it is here (think $1,700 to rent a 3-bedroom home, versus $2,200 here). (Of course, property is cheaper there too… I have a 1 bedroom apartment that I pay $1,350/month for where I currently live. There are 3 or 4-bedroom houses where I would pay that much for, including mortgage, taxes, and homeowner’s insurance. Similar properties here go for $400,000+.) Plus, she currently lives with her sister who constantly complains to her every day… causing her nothing but stress.
I’m not my mother-in-law, who in many ways is a push over, but if I were her I would not tolerate her sister's constantly complaining which puts her under an extreme amount of stress. However, this is a woman who never fell out of love with her ex husband, an alcoholic heroin addict, who smacked her around, even breaking her arm. While she eventually left him, that was because she didn’t want for her children to think that abuse was okay. If it weren't for her children, she would have stayed with him. She said if he promised he’d stay clean, she would have gone back to him… which to me, reflects “push over” mentality. IF it weren’t for her wanting the best for her children, he might have killed her one day. Obviously, being a somewhat naïve, relatively young woman, (she was just 31 when she left her ex-husband), isn’t the only time that she’s been a push over... as is seen by the situation with her sister.
It’s not my place to make such a suggestion, but if I were her, I would give her sister and her sister’s daughter whose living with them notice that she’s no longer going to put up with the constant complaining. IF her sister wants to continue to complain, her and her daughter can find a cheap two-bedroom apartment to move into together. She could even work them with to figure out how to come up with the money to budget a security deposit, out of their own pockets of course, BUT past that they would be on their own.
Not only is this area no longer suitable for my mother-in-law BUT since my boyfriend feels like he’s not connecting with anyone (he hasn’t been around to see me much due to other health issues), it’s detrimental for his mental health. We, also, have an adorable German Shepherd puppy, (I purchased her for my boyfriend’s birthday, thinking that she’d be a good therapy for my boyfriend and could serve as a friend to him during his time of need… she is helping him by exercising constant affection and loyalty), who will be a year old by the time we move, and she deserves a yard. Given these factors, we need to move within a year’s time.
To me, my mother-in-law’s 10% down payment is not so much a handout to me as much as it is a handout to my boyfriend. The average first-time homeowner puts a 6% down payment on their home. I’m putting down 10%, and would work to get that 20%, on my own, if I had the time. Of course, I wouldn’t even need to do that, if my boyfriend was doing as well as me and had money saved up. My boyfriend's mother wants to get out of a bad situation for her, while investing in her son's future so to her its worth it.
As far as the emergency savings, I would like for my brother to put the money that he was saving up for his portion of the down payment in a high yield savings account that my mother-in-law and I both have access to. He was going to lay down the same amount of money on a down payment for a house anyway… While I love my boyfriend, he’s not someone who I can rely on to not start taking money out of the account and put it towards things that we don’t need.
I want to put the mortgage in my name and find a way to put my boyfriend’s name on the deed without his name being on the mortgage. However, my mother-in-law says that my brother-in-law wants for the house to be in his name so that when his son (whose currently a year old) starts school he will get to enroll him in the school that he wants for him to attend. I’m not even sure how that would work because they live in another township… EVEN if he has his name on the deed, to me, he would still be considered a landlord since he and his family would not be living in our house. IF he took the mortgage out as his primary residence, he would be lying and could get into trouble with the mortgage company for fraud. Otherwise, anyone who wants and has the means to buy an investment property, in an area with a school district that they like better, can get a mortgage where he or she states that it is his or her primary residence, and enroll his or her children in the school district there... despite having tenants who live there.
Although I need his help and am worried about sounding ungrateful that he would make such an offer for us, I’m worried about my living situation being governed by my nephew's education. It has nothing to do with my feelings towards his son who I love as though my sister had birthed him, and want to be the ringbearer a my wedding, or not wanting what’s best for him… I do. However, the situation is much more complicated than that.
I plan to be done with graduate school, which could allow me to find a job at an even higher salary, and although I will have student loans that almost equate to my annual wages, I would like to talk to my boyfriend about regularly overpaying the mortgage by 10% a year, if possible, so that we could pay off the mortgage a lot more quickly. IF we succeed in that, then there’s a chance that we could pay off the mortgage in less than 10 years.
At that point, I will be under 40 and I expect for mine and my boyfriend’s wages to be much higher… plus he will have his own children by then. What if we want to rent that place to tenants and move into a second home? I would love for my children to be educated in Princeton, NJ, which is the best school district in the country... BUT very few homeowners who actually think intelligently with their first home, will only own one home.
At that point, our nephew will only be 8 to 10 years old. Does that mean that we should stay there for another 8-10 more years until my nephew graduates from college? If I could rent out that home... it could make up for any deficits in retirement savings that I have, even with paying a property management company. We could, also, work on paying the money that they would give us towards emergency savings back over time.
Also, the agreement was always that once my boyfriend and I paid off the house we would own the home. Should we not focus on paying off the house until our nephew graduates from high school?
Not only that, but because of the housing market, there’s a possibility that we might not even find a suitable fit in the area where my brother-in-law wants us to move to. There’s a high demand and limited supply right now… it’s causing for the prices of homes to skyrocket. IF you go on a real estate website that tracks the value of a home, you will see a huge spike in home prices over the past few months. Case in point, less than a year ago, my childhood home was only worth $369,000, IF my grandmother had made better financial choices... my sister and I would have been able to sell the home for $420,000.
Even if I get the mortgage in both of our names, because my brother-in-law already owns a home… there would be programs that could help me out as a first-time homeowner that I would no longer qualify for, because his name would be on the mortgage.
Am I being unreasonable to my brother-in-law and his wife? I spoke to my sister about this, she says if I need their help at all, even them putting the emergency savings that we would have for the household, I should do it on their terms. However, she knows very little about home ownership… she’s almost 40, and in the place where it doesn’t look like she’s going to ever own a home. (link)
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Your question and your situation are both long and convoluted, and I would recommend that you consult an attorney for advice. It would be worth the fee.
On the surface, however, your "mother in law" has made poor financial choices, her son controls her money, and for both reasons, I see lots of red flags raised, if not for other reasons as well.
Without delving into all the complications, I'd say that in general, you would be far better off steering clear of entanglement and maintaining your own finances, investments, and management.
And I'm laying bets that an attorney would advise you in the same manner. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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How did you guys talk to your parents about spending the night at your boyfriends house or telling them you are going to and that they can't stop you because you are an adult? Because this week i wanna be straight forward and tell my parents what I'm going to do. Without me having to ask them. Cause im 20 and im an adult. And they treat me like im a child but yet they want me to be an adult. I come from a Hispanic household and i know that be a big no. But i rather be honest with them then lying behind their backs and lying to them that im going to my friends house but really at my boyfriend house. So please give me advice on how i can talk to them about it.
Please don't judge. I just want advice. (link)
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The answer from "Solid Advice" is a good one, and I also support what was said. If you wish to be treated as an adult, you have to act like one, and that means making your own choices, right or wrong. You didn't supply any information about the relationship with your boyfriend, and perhaps that's also an important piece when it comes to how your parents feel about this.
I presume you are still living in their home? Otherwise, you might not wish to share such information to begin with. And...living in their home does place you under some obligation to live and behave in a manner that they find acceptable.
The answer, of course, is to become independent and to move into your own digs.
Meanwhile, I would not lie to them, they deserve the truth, and you also need to let them know where you will be and when and with whom, just as a courtesy, as well as for your own safety .
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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28/f
32/m
Has anyone ever expected you to “be fine” after your loss?
I feel like my boyfriend expects me to be that way. For example, I lost my job because of Covid, my dad passed away, then I moved out and was nomading for a bit, lived with my toxic mom sleeping on an air mattress for another month, found out that my dog is 75% blind and is dying of old age, and moved into a new place again just three weeks ago. All of this happened within a six month period.
My boyfriend was there for me for all of these things. As a matter of fact he came into my life three months before I lost my job. So he came into my life at a very strange time. And now that I’m just now starting to get back on my feet and started my new job two weeks ago, I had a meltdown because I started grieving about my dad.
He then told me that he felt like we’re not compatible because of our “personalities” and that he “was patient and understanding because he knew I was going through a lot and was having a hard time, but it feels like it’s still continuing.” He told me he lost his best friend and was fine after a few months and I told him it’s different you lose the parent closest to you.
How do I even respond to this? (link)
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I would suggest to you that your "boyfriend" lacks sensitivity as well as the ability to empathize. The message he gave you was..."I've been patient, now get over it." I would suggest otherwise to you, get over HIM ! You can do better, and he's not worthy of you. As for your multiple losses and stresses over the last few months, please accept my sympathies. You have had multiple stresses to deal with, and it would be abnormal for you not to react to them, as you have been doing.
Instead of spending any futher energy on this unsympathetic person, ask yourself how you can priorities your feelings and needs, and where else you might receive support and guidance to help you get through all this, rather than "getting over it."
You might benefit from some supportive counseling. Sliding fee scale or even free counseling can be found in most communities, check in the directory of helping services, the reference section of your library, for a start. Many schools and agencies have counseling services available as part of their training programs.
If you didn't have ongoing issues and stresses remaining from all you are going through, I'd really wonder if you were alive ! Good wishes and good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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For context, I am a sixteen year old girl in high school. I’ve kissed a boy before, but never more than a peck. Just recently, my boyfriend and I made out for the first time. Now I know people will say that it tends to be awkward and all, but it was more than that. I feel like there was no chemistry there and there was no pleasure. It was a weird sensation because I had built up this idea in my head of a perfect romantic kiss and this was nothing like I had pictured. I feel bad saying it, but I was disappointed. It’s hard to describe because there was no buildup and no feeling attached to it.
My questions are as follows: is it normal to not feel anything at all when kissing someone? does the person you’re with truly effect how it feels? how can I fix this and should I talk to him about it or not?
I would like to thank you in advance for your time and I appreciate the help. (link)
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Perhaps the reason you didn't feel anything special was the context? That is, you kissed your "boyfriend", but just what kind of relationship might you have with him? I suspect that it isn't much of anything special, hence, neither was the kiss.
We kiss differently with differernt people and on different occasions. You kiss your mom good night, give your grandma a peck on the cheek, even kiss a dog or a cat on occasion. But when a romantic kiss involves a "boyfriend" and there's no "chemistry", I wonder wheher you and he have any special feelings for one another, at least on your part.
You are new at this, and I'll bet that has a lot to do with it, as well. Kissing can be sexually stimulating and lead to heightened sexual feeling, encouraging each of you to go further, etc.
If you didn't feel anything like this, well...who knows? !
So how do you really feel about him? Overall, I wouldn't worry too much about the whole thing. I suspect it will soon resolve itself one way or another, over time. Maybe he isn't the one for you. Maybe, its even possible , that you aren't attracted to the opposite sex. Maybe you, or both of you, were too tense or anxious to allow any pleasurable feelings in. Who knows?!
Not to worry, in any case. Life goes on, and sooner or later, the whole thing will become clearer. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Me and a friend of mine fell out over something a few months back- we both hurt the other’s feelings unintentionally and made some mistakes; we’ve apologised to each other and I know that we both really want to be friends again. I know that with time, we’ll be able to rebuild that friendship. She was the sweetest person ever; and we just had a personality clash leading to the breakdown of a friendship.
I’ve had friends in the past that I thought were friends but turned out to be anything but; who had malicious intent towards me; but I know this person never did, this person was a true friend of mine and I wish I could rebuild it. I’m just not sure how. (link)
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One place to start might be to share just what you've said here,with your friend. If you and she were truly good friends, perhaps she feels as you do and would welcome a chance to repair the damage. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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I have this one friend who's life is pretty bad. She has a lot of trauma and mental issues, and abusive parents. When it comes to those issues, I'm very supportive and it never bothers me when she confides in me or anything, because I don't have the best relationship with my mother either, and I get it. However, she's also extremely insecure, and I know it's because of her anxiety, but she's just constantly texting about how she feels so ugly and how insecure she's about certain parts of herself. And of course, every time, our friends and I rush to assure her, telling her she's beautiful and she has nothing to worry about. She is a larger girl and I understand somewhat, because of course, I also have insecurities about myself. But my friend group and I have made it very clear that we don't care about things like weight and we think she's gorgeous no matter what. And at this point it feels like the constant self-deprecation is just her fishing for compliments, even though I know that's probably not true, it just gets on my nerves after a while. How can I deal with this without hurting her feelings? Am I being insensitive by getting irritated by it? (link)
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Your friend is in a bad place and she really needs some help and advice, but not from you, or from any other kids either.
You can still be friendly. You can still offer suppport. But this girl needs a therapist and to be in counseling. If you can find a kind and gentle way to suggest it, do so.
She can ask her parents for help, her school counselor, her doctor, or her religious leader to put her in touch with a licensed, qualified counselor.
Be her friend, but don't try to take on more than you are really qualified to handle. Its nice of you to care about her, so keep on doing it.
Good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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So my boyfriend keeps getting picked up from school by his parents
He text me the other day saying that it was all his mum's fault
I asked why
He said that he was gonna do something
Without thinking I asked what
He said he was gonna kiss me
I don't know what to say!
Did he really mean it?
Was he saying that he was gonna do it but he actually wont?
I'M JUST REALLY FLUMMOXED (confused)😁
Pls can you help!!!
(link)
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The boy you call "my boyfriend" has problems. Otherwise, he wouldn't be sent home from school all the time. Or, are you talking about his parents just picking him up after school? It isn't clear.
If a boy tells you he's going to kiss you, he probably is going to try and do it. The real question is what do YOU want him to do...or not?!
Don't be surprised if he does try to kiss you, and if he wants to do more than this, as well. How far are you really ready to go, yourself? Better start practicing how to say "NO!" and meaning it.
Decide if you want to hang around with someone who is having behavior problems in school, if that's what you meant?
Good luck, ~Dr. Stephanie
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