spacefem's advice column

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Q: hello, i have been skateboarding for a while now, all my friends think im good, but i think i have gotten to the piont where im not getting any better, i LOVE skatebordin but i dont think its taking me anywher in life...should i quit?
have u ever tried to skateboard?

----------i have love fo' jesus christ---------------praise the lord.amen!

It depends on what your goals are. I mean, if you love skateboarding so much, who cares how good you are? Just do it for fun and don't count on going pro or anything like that. You can't spend every waking second working on stuff for the future, sometimes you just have to do what you love now and not think too much about what it's getting you. If it's getting you happiness, it's worth doing.

Q: Who is better?
Good Charlotte or avril

If you think avril is ickey, she must not be conforming to your over-commercialized expectations. Therefore, she's a better example of punk rock. If you're real punk nobody is supposed to like you.

Q: Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?

Lord of the Rings. Come on, it's based on classic english literature. Harry Potter is based on over-popularized childrens books.

Q: Spacefem,

The more I learn about sexism and female oppression and different manifestations of it in our society, the angrier I get. It's come to the point where I really am starting to hate all men. While this probably is natural to some extent, I still feel that it's not too good for my mental well-being.

What do you think? Should I lighten up and get less bitter?

Yes, because people consumed by hate aren't productive, they get frustrated and consumed by their emotions. Real progress is propelled by hope. You should consider the fact that not all manifestations of the patriarchy are actually caused by men, often it's all of humanity. There are plenty of anti-feminist women out there too, and you can't just go hating everybody or you really will go nuts.

Q: There's this girl I thought was my friend, and she and I and a bunch of other people were talking, and someone said they didn't "get" the stock market, and she agreed. I asked what wasn't to get. The girl started asking me all these questions about the stock market, and when I would take the slightest time to think about my answer, she would give me this LOOK. Now she won't stop quizzing me about different aspects of the stock market, and trying to "prove me wrong," saying "Maybe you don't know as much as you think. Keep your mouth shut next time" and things like that. Why is she doing this? She's NEVER done anything like this to me before.

She's somehow got it into her head that you're this know-it-all who needs a reality check. It happens sometimes when people are insecure about themselves - somehow just by saying "I know some things about the stock market" she thinks you're trying to put her down and say you know everything about it.

My guess is that you were actually trying to sort of encourage your friends not to give up on the concept - and go you for doing so! There are way too many people in society who just dismis things that look hard; they're totally fine just announcing that they don't know "anything" about cars or computers or whatever. It's sad, but it's also good to know that you won't fall into the same trap. What you've got now is a communication issue - you were trying to convince your friends not to give up, they think you're full of yourself. This girl is insecure. Tell her you have confidence in her to know things, that's why you tried to steer the conversation towards the Way Of The Smart. She just might turn around and appreciate smart girls instead of trying to pull them down.

Q: Hey spacefem I have Q.
I have noticed you and some other adivceinators like ad a link to a website with diff words like "HERE" or "the web site" how do you do that? I'm lost! Imean that would help so much if you could tell me!

thanx

We use HTML. It's not allowed in questions, only answers, but it looks something like this:

<a href="http://www.whatever.com">Click Here</a>

Q: I was checking myself out in the mirror a while ago and I noticed I had some dark(ish) hairs on my face (I'm a teenaged girl) and this kinda bothers me. They're fairly small... but at the same time they're there. I tried plucking but it didn't work. I don't really want to try shaving, and I don't want to wax or anything in case they grow back darker. What should I do? I don't want a mostache! I had a french teacher once who had a mostache and all the kids made fun of her.
Oh, and I've also got more hair on my arms than most girls, and people have noticed it. Is there an easy, not-too painful way of getting right of it without it growing back thicker? my mom suggested bleaching it, but I'm not entirely sure if that'll work or not.
Spacefem, please help!

The idea that shaving or waxing makes hair grow back darker or courser is a myth. Seriously - your hair is dead, it doesn't adapt to overcome what you do to it. So if your hair really bothers you, wax away. It'll stay gone for up to three weeks. If you have trouble or feel nervous about it, call a salon and make an appointment and have them do the waxing. It'll cost you a bit more but they'll be able to give some really good tips - waxing is trickier than it looks in my opinion.

I wouldn't worry about hair on your arms. Most people don't even notice - chances are if you have darker hair you have darker skin too, and it'd look weird if you didn't have more hair on your arms that most girls.

Q: why do you hate boys?why do all girls hate boys?
they say this crap like: boys dont know pain...they obviously havent gotten ther parts stuck in a zipper....but back to the piont...i wish girls could be nicer.girls are cool. most of my friends are girls.skateboarding is cool,and i hate when people stereotype ppl like me, what does ownership of a board wiht wheels have to do with automatically being a criminal or vandal. i just like it cuz its fun.

I like boys, just not stupid ones.

Q: ok, see, i have this problem. not big, but something i'd like to get an answer to. i would like to wear bikinis and stuff over the summer and go to the beach or pool and have fun. i don't have much of a problem with my upper body, but my thighs are a bit big. not like "WOW, LOOK AT THOSE.." or anything, but it bothers me. and i joined track and i'm very athletic, but i can't seem to lose weight in my legs. do you think it'll be okay if i wear bathing suits or a bikini anyway? i think about what other people think too much. i try to forget about them as much as i can, but i don't want people to keep staring and stuff. i don't like to be embarrassed.. who does? please help

every woman thinks her thighs are big, and trust me, they don't get smaller as we get older! But who cares? I say wear that bikini and wear it with pride - you are who you are and chances are, everybody else at the pool is going to be insecure about how they look so they won't notice you anyway.

Q: I live on Mars. Should I get a cat or a dog? And should it be green or purple? Please help me. I am so stressed that my eye stalks are going a paler green than normal.

dog! i'm allergic to cats.

Q: Regarding a recent response you gave, I have to ask what things like wanting a boyfriend, wearing bikinis and shaving your legs have to do with empowerment. I have a boyfriend. Does enjoying his company or valuing love and companionship mean that I can't actively support women's rights? I shave my legs (so does the boyfriend, actually), and like to look good. Does that mean that I value myself less, or let myself be oppressed? I thought feminism was about equality, and doing what YOU want to do... maybe it's really just about fitting into feminism's mold of what a woman should be instead of the patriarchy's.

I didn't say that having a boyfriend excludes you from feminism, I said that living to impress guys and being obsessed with having a boyfriend means your priorities are misdirected. I have a boyfriend and shave my legs! Feminism is about equal rights - stop trying to read agendas into what I'm saying here. I get 7,000 questions from girls just wanting boyfriends - that to me is a sign that society is raising our women to base their existance on men and it's sad. If you see a cool guy and want to go out with him, more power to you, go out there and get him. Just don't sit at home thinking about how you can't live without a man. Single girls do just fine!

Q: Heloo,
I've had a friend/lover and we know each other and she is very nice but she can think only of herself sometimes and only put in half the effort in this relationship and i
put 200% and it hurts that she doesnt care enough to even call me what should i do?
Aya

Don't be her friend/lover. You can't change selfish people.

Q: Hey, Spacefem! I love your site but... check these Bible references out:
1 Corintians 6:9 and 10
Romans 1:24-27
Perhaps try truthortradition.com (this site is great if anyone is if-y about Christianinty)
Thanks!

1 Corinthians (please spell books of the bible correctly) also names adulterers as not being able to inherit the kingdom of God. Do we forbid them from getting married? I think not.

Christian's fight against homosexuals is incredibly hypocritical and useless. God wants servants, not advisors. We're using our own desire to resist change to exclude a large group of people from the basic human right to be married. And why? Because the Bible forbids it in seven places? The Bible speaks out against the love of money almost 600 times and nobody ever tries to outlaw being rich or move their kids into a neighborhood that's not so darn wealthy. Homosexuality is unnatural? So's air conditioning.

God calls us to love the least of society - the downtrodden, the disrespected, the persecuted. To me, that means homosexuals. Every generation has to deal with a group that doesn't fit in. We will be judged in heaven by our actions for or against these groups.

Q: Im an 18 year female, Ive heard alot of rumors about you can still have your period and be pregnant, I just want to get some facts straight.

You can have a light period if you're pregnant, but it's not likely. The only sure way to tell is to take a pregnancy test.

Q: do u think putting cats in ugly cat contests is wrong?

No way. Cats are ugly.

Q: HI spacefem. My name is flirty. I also have a column in advicenators. I want to ask you how did you create spacefem dot com and is it free? also, sometimes when i look up advicenators on search, it says advicenators, ask spacefem... it comes directly to your column! pleez tell me how you did all of this.

Spacefem.com is free for you and anyone else who wants to join it. It's not free for me, if that's what you're asking. I pay pretty serious server hosting costs, to tell the truth - there's some advertising and t-shirt sales money that comes in but it doesn't pay for everything. but that's okay, i love it so I'll keep it up.

Q: Alrighty, I'm a 17 year old girl, and there's this guy (I know, I know, it's the most asked questin ever) and he's AMAZING at guitar! generally I don't pay much attention to him. He's fairly good-looking and all, but nothing special. however, the second he picks up his guitar i turn into a simpering pile of gelatonous goo and the only phrase I'm capable of is "Let me bear your children..." The thing about this is I only seem attracted to him when he's playing or immediatly after. So the question is do I like him, or his guitar? and what should I do about it?

Trust me, there are much worse things to like a guy for! I don't think it matters so much, you should get to know him better and maybe you'll find out he's more than a guitar after all.

Q: Dear spacefem,
I have been married for 16 years with 2 wonderful daughters. During our marriage my wife started to become slack with her duties and obligations as a wife and mother. These were all of her agreement, and some due to her own choices proir to and during the marriage. I have tried to approach the subject with concern and respect, usually ending in conflict. Lately she has decided to do whatever she wants when she wants, even it means neglect to myself or our children. I try to understand her feelings and viewpoints, for myself and for my daughters.(They are well aware of her laziness and ask often.) I would have NEVER married her if I knew she was this way. I feel that life is too short to spend with the wrong person. We are growing apart each day, I personally never expected much from this world as far as romance, I've never been the ladies' man. But I would like to provide a better life for my children, I don't think this is a good example of relationships/ marriage for them to observe. If it was just her and I, I would drop her like a bad habit and never speak to her again. Any advice or suggestions?
Best friend I never had...

After 16 years, she's just suddenly gotten like this? Something is up. You need to talk to her and find out what's changed. It almost sounds like you've given up on her. Maybe she's uncomfortable with the "agreements" you made before and these need to be revisited. I think agreements are good in relationships, but they need to be somewhat flexible too. Relationships take a lot of work - if I were you, I'd work to salvage this one.

Q: After a series of unrequited loves, someone told me that the reason I never get anyone (male or female - I like both) is because I don't dress in the current pathetically girly/tarty fashions. Any hints on looking attractive but not girly or tarty?

Well, it's good to not look like a slob. Make sure you're wearing clothes that fit you well. I like Target for clothes that have some class but aren't expensive at all.

I think 99% of "appearance issues" can be cured by people buying clothes that fit, pulling their hair out of their face and standing up straight. Don't let the world say you've got to be wearing thong underwear and crop tops everyday to get noticed - it doesn't take that much effort.

Q: If ypu already started yourperiod could you still be pregnant?

very unlikely, but sometimes pregnant women can spot a little bit.

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.