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How do I stop being jealous of my bf's friends (girls)??
Hi I am from Dubai. My bf and I have been together for 3 years. I am 24 and he is 23. But he didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't either for I don't like the publicity of the thing. I quickly realized that I wouldn't ever get to know any of his friends. The ones he had here were my friends too. Other than one friend of mine, nobody else knew. His pals back home, to this day, I don't think have a clue that he has been seeing me, or anyone, for 3 years. He knows all my friends, their lives, everything. To me, he was my best friend, my confidante, more than anything else. And I was glad to share it all with him. But he has often told me when I ask about his friends or wanting to meet them, that "they're my friends. Why do you want to meet them? MY friends, get it?"
Obviously I found that weird. I wanted him to accept me into his life, as an important part, a part that people he cares for, know about. And he didn't want to do that at all. He has never, so far introduced me to any friend of his via phone or mail or in person. He tells me things about his family though and I like that. He tells me funny stories about his parents and about his relatives. They don't know about me either, and I get that. What I don't, is why he hasn't ever told a friend of his about me? Is he ashamed of me? Whats wrong in my asking to meet them? If I bring it up, he gets annoyed and it leads to a war of words which I would rather avoid. I've asked him numerous times, but he always says no. So somewhere along the way, I gave up and stopped asking.
We moved in together for about 8 months when I was trying to get a place of my own to stay. It was good in the beginning and we had a lot of fun. But around 4 months into it, we started to fight. I would just be talking, asking about his day and he starts getting annoyed and it usually ended with him telling me to move out and leave him alone. Naturally, it upset me a lot. He's not the sort of person who displays his emotions quickly. The good ones atleast. He rarely compliments me, even more rarely do I get a show of affection from him, leading me to perpetually question if I'm just dreaming up that he really loves me. I realized I was in love about a year into being with him and I told him so, frightened and scared that he would say he doesn't feel that way. What he did, was not say anything at all. Just a "hmm" from him. Due to this, I would say 'those 3 words' when I really meant it and I've kept it to a minimum. Every time I hope he'll tell me that he loves me too, but nothing has come of it so far.
Another thing we keep fighting about is space. Space and time. He didn’t want to see me at all in between. He said he was having too much of me being around. He wanted his space and time and privacy to do his own things. When I got my own place, things took such a turn that I was relegated to seeing him only on Sundays after about 4 pm till around 10 at night, when I had to go home. Essentially my down time with him was whittled down to about 6 hours a week and some weeks go by without me and him seeing each other at all, because he has work on Sunday mornings (which as a fact, I know he does) or he’s too tired or lazy. He doesn’t seem to mind. But I miss him and the fun we used to have and of late, it’s like I constantly have to beg him for some of his time so that we can be together. He takes my calling and texting as irritations and tells me to leave him alone for so that he can build his space-time continuum, or whatever.
Sometimes he just outright ignores all my calls and texts even if he is awake and free and tells me that he couldn’t be bothered to go get his phone. This is his regular behaviour and has been for quite some time; so much that I’m used to it and resign myself to the fact that he is either sleeping or not bothered.
I realize the fact that I am quite insecure about my relationships. My previous relationships came to an end due to distances and not any other factor. So I do not know why this is the way I feel. Talking to him about such things is not possible. I have tried and I have told him many times about my insecurities but he doesn’t seem to think it matters. I get jealous of his other girl friends and he gets annoyed. I have told him multiple times to introduce me to them, so that I may not look at them like they’re going to snatch him away from me. He says there is no need, for they are his friends and that he doesn’t interfere in my life and how I behave with my friends. I have always been open and even introduced him to all my friends. He knows about the 2 close male friends I have and every conversation I have with them on the phone, is in front of him. He, however, doesn’t think this way. Every time he gets a call, from a girl, especially, he leaves the room to attend it. I don’t see the reason why he has to do this. If I ask him about it, he says that its none of my business. We have had fights over this and once he explained to me that he knows I get jealous, so he doesn’t want to put me through the pain when I see him speaking to another girl. But if the conversation is normal, what does he have to hide? Won’t it reassure me that nothing is happening and help me get over this attitude? It is my biggest pet peeve that I behave this way and I feel bad about it always, but I cannot seem to help feel.
I realize I have been digressing but I felt you needed to know a little bit about each of us to tell me what to do in the situation I now face.
Recently, one of his family friends moved here. The girl was new to the city. Her parents knew his parents and they both asked him to make sure that if in case she required any help, he would be there to help her. I had no problems. Naturally I understand that it might be difficult for someone staying in a new place for the first time, to adjust to the situation. Everything was A-okay until she began texting and calling him continuously.
In the beginning I understood, but now, it’s been more than 2 months. And she chooses to call him at late night around 11 to 11.30 pm. I stay over at his place some weekends and we will be having an intimate talk or cuddling when the call arrives. And he always picks up the call. He doesn’t let it ring on. He doesn’t cut the call. He picks up and says “Hey I can’t talk to you right now”. I was back from my vacations and had decided to bunk at his place and we were really having a blast after so long and then, the call comes. I got so annoyed and for a change, he actually tried to calm me by holding me and telling me that she was just a friend. He kept talking to me and soothing me. In some time I felt better and ready to let it go, when he started to get irritated. He kept saying “just let it be. I have my friends. I don’t tell you how to run your life. I don’t tell you when or where you can talk to them. Let a man have his time.” I said that tell her to keep her calls during the evening hours, not late at night. He wouldn’t even agree to that. He was all “what if it’s an emergency” and when I asked him why he cares about a random stranger (he had described her to me in precisely those two words); he says “I don’t have a choice. My parents have told me to do this.” It’s not like he’s a model child for others to emulate. There are a hundred instances where he has blatantly not listened to his parents regarding important issues and he listens to them about this?
She texts him all day, all night, she calls and speaks to him almost every day and frankly, it’s getting really annoying. I was wondering if I should call her and ask her to meet me and tell her to ease off on him. But I don’t want to seem like an overly attached controlling girlfriend. He would hate me if I did that, because as I said earlier, no one knows about us and I’m not sure he’s ever going to tell them. If the girl ever tells her folk and his folks get to know about it, I’m pretty sure he would break up with me. I don’t know what to do and its really bugging me. She has started to call him up at work, he deletes all his texts if he ever has to give me his phone. I don’t know what’s going on here but I crazily want to know. I don’t want to be blindsided. Am I being paranoid or over-thinking the situation?
I don’t really want to talk to her, because I don’t want to cross that line. Our relationship is wobbling as it is. And if she tells him…. Please help. What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Honestly, if he won't tell anyone that you two are together, what's the point in being together? I mean, when you're with someone, you want others to know, right? I mean, what's going to happen if someday you got pregnant, and he still refuses to tell anyone? I mean seriously. I understand that you love him, and that you want to be with him, but does he really actually feel the same way? 3 years together, and no one knows about your relationship? Doesn't that seem just a little odd to you? Not to mention the deletion of texts, out and in? In my opinion, thats quite fishy. I completely understand that you don't want to lose him, and that he is important to you, but you need to figure out where you actually stand in his life.
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