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What can I do about my feelings on my messed up family?
Ok, I've never done this online "ask for advice" thing, but oh well. It's worth a try I guess. So, back when I was two years old, my mom left my dad along with me and my younger sister to live with my grandmother in a small town city in a completely different state. She left because of his cheating and non-bill paying butt. He'd always accuse her of cheating on him because he said we were too white to be his kids. (Black daddy, white mommy...what do ya expect dude? Mixed kids.)My grandmother would only allow us to live with her if we went to the church every Sunday and got baptized.(Morman church...not to be dissing on Mormans or their church I know not all people are like this but it wasn't a pleasant experiance for me. Growing up in a small town we were the only kids of a darker skin tone than most there and the comments made by those seemingly innocent kids and their parents was unbelievable. They say that they're people of god and treat everyone as a brother or a sister and the things they said and did was awful.) So, growing up with my mom's mom was hell for us. Our grandmother isn't the sweet old lady next door type if you know what I mean. To shorten it all up I'll just say she's a very hostile woman and very hard to please in anything. The only time I feel she's truely happy is when your beaten down to a pulp and overshaddowed by deppresion because of solitary confinement. People say, "words can never hurt you" but they can. And so do hands and objects. She was like that with my mother and her brothers and sisters and she's like that today. She's the reason when I was 8yrs old was the first time I'd decided I didn't want to live anymore. I did't even know what suicide was then all I knew was that I didn't want to be living on the earth anymore. I stayed sane because of my little sister and writing books. They were the only two things that could make me happy there. When I turned 9yrs old my father popped up out of nowhere (surprise, surprise) wanting visitation rights from my mom for me and my sister after years of no contact. (Almost...he visited 3 times when I was still really little. Trying to get my mother back) Within months the judge enforced a year-round system of our dad getting us for every other birthday and every summer. (we both have July b-days) He lived out of state so each year's been flying 9hrs there and back for summers. He'd gotten married to a my step-mother 4yrs after my mother left and in that entire time he had to tell her about us he never did. He has two other children, my half brother and sister who are both 4yrs older than me, which he told her about, but no not us for some reason. To many kids to deal with at once. My step-mother had two kids of her own he was raising, so that makes sense kind of, I guess. But, still. So, it was a bit of a suprise to her when we we began visiting so often. She hated that with a passion, but I don't care for her much either so too-shay. Those first two times we visited my father for summer I hated his guts as well. (By 11yrs old I'd had my first furocious panic attack and unexplained aches and pains) Moving forward though, my mom having no where to go really, and always out working full time along with collage classes on the side. That left me and my sister to be practically raised by our grandmother up until I turned 12yrs old. By then my mom had enough connections, education, and money saved up to leave and find a better place elsewhere. Which by the way required leaving to another state. We ended up moving around three more times after that, the third time (me being 15yrs old) me and my sister deciding to move in with my dad. Actually I live with my dad's mom, my grandmother on his side, while my sister lives literally with my dad. He lives 2miles away from her so I see them often enough. (Long story short, I decided to give the guy a chance to put a father figure back in my life. I'd never really been around men contact wise like that anyway. The year befor living with my mom I'd become intensely depressed and solitary. I feel bad for that because my little sister had no one to lean onto, but one of her irresponsible friends. That I regret. My panic attacks had gotten more frequent. My mom had gotten married to a guy and he'd act as if we didn't exsist. He was in it for my mother and that was it. He didn't get the concept that a MOTHER is a package deal. She comes wither her kids. Also, The previous school I'd gone to was a complete mess for me because people,and a specific teacher, were always trying to make school life hard on me. I'm terrible with everyday social skills as well....thanks for that grams -.-) But, now I'm 16yrs old and attending my second year at the same school which is kind of weird for me since I'd switched around a lot. I'm fine with the school and most of the people in it but now home life is so off again. My step-mom loaths me and my little sister living with her along with my father and is constantly fighting us, physically and mentally, about not being good enough to be there. She's always throwing things in our faces about how we'll never be as smart or as educated as her kids and how much she "does for us" and how we should be "grateful" that we have her right now instead of "that bitch" you call a mother. (MY biological mother) Her son is a complete snitch and an unconscious liar. Every chance he has to get us in trouble he does in one way or another. (My grandmother on my dad's side is the same way. Snitches all of 'um.) My dad's always agreeing with my step-mother and allowing her to treat and talk to us however she pleases. (I'm not a weak person, I can handle myself for the most part, but there's a breaking point for everybody. For me, that's my baby sister. DO NOT hurt my little sister. NO ONE EVER hurts her.) My dad's constantly making promises, serious ones and then breaking them. Then, any collages or appartments Im looking at for when I turn 18 he and my grandmother both are always telling me that I'm not smart enough to get into a school that good and the job im gonna get is going to be minimum wage my entire life. They say I'm going to have to spend that money on keeping up the house and taking care of all my relatives. Everytime I aim high they make me take five steps back and I feel overwhelmed by my current lifestyle. (My panic attacks have gotten even more violent. One happening during my english class last year toward the last month of school. Super embarrasing...hated every second of it.) I don't know what I'm expecting people to give me advice on this with other than....just what do you think I could do to better my situation and outlook for right now? I'm not usually one to complain, but to tell the truth I've run out of ideas. I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here and I'm sick of putting up with everyone's crap, I'm just done. I can see myself doing ok if I make it out on my own someday (hopefully within the next 3yrs), but everyone in my life has been trying to keep me close to them. As in they NEVER want me to leave. I need to grow up! I can't stay here like this anymore, but I have nowhere else I can go for now.
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I truly understand your situation, I went through that when I was growing up. I was very protective of my baby brother. He was hurt a lot, and in time, I would do things worse than he did just so he would get a break from the abuse. But I digress, I want you to realize, it's YOUR life. You don't have to sit around taking care of ANYONE that you do not wish to care for. If you are going to save up for an apartment, and college, do it. Do it quietly, so no one knows. If you are hiding your money anywhere in the house, DONT. Quickly take it and move it somewhere where NO ONE will find it. I mean who knows who could be digging through your stuff right now. Also, there is emancipation. If you can gather proof of domestic abuse, and what not.. You can file for emancipation, meaning, you are legally an adult (only capable of living on your own, not buying alcohol or cigarettes) also, you'd be able to have your sister live with you as well. Also, when you are capable of moving out, I suggest do so immediately. The life style will only get worse. If they try the guilt trip on you, just remember all the hell they put you and your sister through. There are times, yes it can be difficult, when you have to really put your foot down, really stand up for yourself and your future. Being a persons (who you don't care for) care taker, is not a life you want for yourself right? Or your little sister? Ignore what those people say about you being "stupid" and what not. You are NOT stupid, you can make something of yourself. Also, when you do make something of yourself, rub it in their faces, and if they ask for help, tell them the address to the public aid office.
My mother was the same way to be honest. She put all of us through hell, always me and my baby brother. She would tell us both, we would amount to nothing, we weren't smart enough to do what we wanted etc etc. Just physically and emotionally abused us. In the end, we're both now living happy comfortable lives, my baby brother is now attending college, and I'm living a happy life with my child and boyfriend. When my mother asks for any type of assistance (money, a ride, use my appliances, because she now lives in a abandoned house with no elec or water. teehee) For the money I tell her "I only donate to charitable causes" for a ride "Take the bus" and for my shower, I tell her to wait til it rains.
What I am trying to tell you... Don't listen to them. Things only get worse before they get better, and once they are better, life will feel more beautiful and worth living. Just endure the pain a little longer, and you'll later be capable of rubbing it in their faces. If you apply to colleges, use a friends address, or perhaps get a p.o. box, so this way they don't hide your mail, or whatever. Be strong. Not only for your sister, but also for yourself.
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