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I'm becoming more and more crueler
How do i say this?
Basically, recently i caught myself often procrastinating about my homework and house chores. Well, i do them if its necessarily but only the last minute. And lately, i've been talking random sexual intend jokes with every sentence albeit i didn't mean to talk it that way, i just... can't help it when my brain works and sometimes i thought that it would make me more different.
Also, my friends told me that i'm being rude and harsh lately and my words could spit fire with it.I even started a fight between my classmates and got them to have 2 weeks of detention and i didn't felt any guilt.
I cheated a teacher with my past goodie two shoes personality to get an A in a test and worst I told teachers that my classmate cheated in all the test she had given and sent them to meet the principle when,worst i blamed my badly made experiment test at my friend that nearly kill us both when its truly my fault.
I even have lewd sexual fantasy which i just... enjoy it but i felt extremely uneasy.Hence, i even start an online bullying just recently, I even threaten some juniors to go and do my task or something.
I really don't know what is happening to me, i tried to pray but everytime i did, there's this weird interruption and I lose my concentration everytime. I'm not really a true a believer since i just started, but i really am touched that God have a way of communication with his creations.
Whats worse is that I have never been like before, i've always been quite humble and listen to my superiors and teachers like a student would.I was a star student before and everyone liked me(well, i got teased a lot and humiliation of my own but i learned to master the ignorance skills).
I have seek a counselor before and it just wont show any results, and i joined a disciplinary camp for 3 months but i got kick out from it since they claimed that i'm no use going to it.
I really in need of advice to change myself, i've put my goals and i've been controlling my straight forwardness that could really be the death of me and went to extra classes to improve my grades. But my bullying and blaming tendencies have not been cease. My family is counting on me alone to make a difference in the future and i know i cant fail them. Any advice in helping me change for the better?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Spirituality?
Often these kind of situations are the result of bottled up emotions/frustrations,they change you into a person which you don't recognise in looking at a mirror.but it's not out of your control,you are your own individual and can be whoever you want to be.the human mind is an extremely powerful thing yet easily influenced,you need to realise that you are always the one in control of your state of mind.you need to define who you really are and who you want to be.if you've lost your personality,then it's up to you to pick up the pieces,you need to take time to invest in what makes you feel happy and complete.you have to find the source of your inner conflict and once you've identified this you can start working on it.don't bottle things up,it does your soul no good,remain true to yourself,don't give in to that little voice enticing you to cruelty,with inner strength you will get past this,all you need is a strong will to change and the rest will take care of itself.
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