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how do i go by getting him to open up
To be able to understand this question completely, I must inform you on a little background information: For starters, I have known this guy since kindergarden and have been good friends since about 5 years ago. We use to be in the same grade but then he left for a year causing us to be in different ones and not comtinuing to be friends (it was uncool to be friends with little kids back then). We were friends for about a year before I developped feelings for him, it was the year we joined an extra-curricular activity together. About a year after that we sortof dated. I say sortof because we never actually did anything physical because he lived 30 minutes away and in grade 10, that's far with no car or buses. We basicaly just hung out at school. This lasted 4 months. He got distant (or scared) and backed out, he just wanted to be friends again. Normally I would have just gotten over it and moved on, but I grew to love him over the years, as a friend and more. I left for university while he finished his grade 12. In the past few months we've still been talking alot and have come to realise the problem we had was distance and the fact that he is afraid and refuses to open up. As it turns out, he's comming to the same university as I in September, so the distance is no longer a problem.
Here is where my question begins.. We've been friends for years, and there is deffinately something between us, and the problem of long-distance is solved. Now I am left with his closed off self. I need to get him to open up so we can finally start the relationship that was put off years ago. Basically I am in need of advice on how to do that. I don't necessarily want to "break him" but I need to get beneath his shell, or rather, have him let me into it. Thanks in advance.
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You need to learn the reason why he has so much trouble opening up. You've both recognized that him being closed of was one of your major problems. When you talked about this, did you ask him why he thinks it is that he's so closed off? He might be able to reveal some information that would help you to understand more. Plus, if you get him talking about it, it will show that you care to get to know what's going on in his head. This alone will make you guys closer.
Once you figure out why he's so closed off, you can work on opening him up. Make sure you don't push him. Don't point out every time he's being too closed off. Give him some time to prove that he can open up to you. One of the reasons he might have been closed off then is that he wasn't getting to hang out with you alone in person. Now that distance isn't a problem, you'll be able to talk about things face to face and he might feel more comfortable with that.
All you can do is let him know that you're there for him. When he tells you something personal, ask some questions about it to show that you're interested in what he's feeling and what he has to say. Of course, don't bombard him with questions. Just let him know that you're there to listen.
This is especially important in situations where he's upset about something. You have to be patient with him and listen very carefully. If he starts to see you as someone to come to when he's upset, he'll start to open up even more.
Let yourself open up to him also. Once he sees you open yourself up, he'll see that it's okay for him to open up too. It will take time and effort, but eventually he will feel comfortable enough to be open with you.
Darby(:
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