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How to stop persistent thoughts about an ex
I am 30 years old, female, and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, ages 7 and 8. I love my husband and I would describe our relationship as a good one.
My problem is I think about my ex boyfriend. A lot. As in every day a lot. Where this starts to become strangely pathetic is the fact that I haven't seen him or had contact with him in 13 years. He was my boyfriend my junior year of high school. It was a very emotionally intense relationship, as teenage relationships are wont to be. Our relationship ended when he dumped me, and I (being 17 and completely emotional) was heartbroken. I got married when I was 20, and I dated a few guys between this ex and my husband. I never give any of the others a second thought.
It really bothers me that I still think about him so much, especially after SO MUCH time has gone by. I know they say you never forget your first love, but this has become beyond ridiculous. I'm far too humiliated to admit this to any of my friends and family. This may sound trivial, but it's become a minor form of torture and is interfering with my life and peace. Please tell me, what can I do to stop this stupidity?
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Begin by asking yourself how your ex-boyfriend differs from your husband. I believe you when you say you have a good relationship with your husband. But every spouse has shortcomings (to be sure, your husband could name shortcoming in you!). You must understand that this ex-boyfriend no longer resembles the person you dated thirteen years ago. He, just as you, has grown from his experiences, met new people, developed in his career, etc., and is not the same personality you retain in your memory. My guess is that you have a misgiving about some shortcoming in your husband, and the version of this ex-boyfriend that persists in your memory succeeds where your husband fails. I recommend that you focus on your husband, either accept his shortcoming, or try to get him to understand where he could stand to improve. Never make the mistake that you are accomplished enough to make unsolicited recommendations for improvement to others. However, with love and tact, and perhaps subtlety, you can gently nudge your husband in the direction you desire. Never underestimate the power of sharing your feelings with him. A little straight-forward talk can go a long way, as long as it's phrased lovingly.
Dr. Chad
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