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Commtimentphobia
Greetings,
I had been dating an admitted commitmentphobe for a little over a year until she dumped me last Sat. night w/ the help of liquid courage (I only drank two beers). At the end of the night I promised her that I would remain in her life as a friend, then she kissed me and said that I am free.. I am going to give myself time to heal and call her in a few months. Right now I am obsessively entertaining the thought of getting back together w/ her someday. We started off as a couple, spent two months apart and then dated for nearly seven months. During this time we got along rather well. At first the relationship was sexual but then she pushed me away. Initially I felt rejected but remained loyal to her b/c my gut told me that she wanted to know that I loved her and not her body. Anyhow, we had minor conflicts... usually w/out raising our tonalities and I was content w/ our relationship. I identify as a realist and an idealist.
For the past few months she has been stressed out b/c of school and financial constraints. I've helped her by listening, offering validation and lending money, too. I really wanted the relationship to work and wasn't expecting her to break things off. The other night she told me that 1. i am too good for her (have heard this before), 2. she changed her mind about seeking counseling for her commitmentphboia, 3. that she likes a girl in her class (the girl is in a relationship) and 4. that she focuses on my major flaw- drinking. I was overwhelmed but told her that had already made the conscious decision to stop drinking in excess. I am a fully credentialed substitute teacher w/out many stressors...mainly went to the bar out of boredom. If I had known that this bothered her, I wouldn't have done so. Still she said that she doesn't want me to change for her.
She told me that she doesn't want me to wait for her and that she wants me to date other girls- she has said this before. I have told her in the past that I felt awkward asking other girls out when i love her- she didn't respond.
During the two months that we were apart I read two books on commitmentphobia. I lent them to her but she hasn't read either one.
I have a history of falling for girls who have been sexually abused and are bi-sexual. It turns out that she was molested by her step-father and claims to hate men. Her mom gives minimal love if any. The night she dumped me she went on to say that she doesn't love anybody-not even her son. In the past she has told me that she loves me but admitted to not always meaning it. Most of the time she sounded sincere. I am rather innocent, she said naive, but she seems loving- think that she has trouble loving herself, though. We have talked about this, also.
Now she wants to stay friends but isn't returning my calls. I too need time alone to heal but don't want to give up. Do you think that she really wants me to? I am having obsessive thoughts about getting back together someday and want to know what you think.
Thank you,
Best,
PS: I am 32 and she is 29 and a single mother.
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It's a tough situation, and I won't pretend to know I have all the answers.
I would be inclined to say she needs therapy for more than just commitment issues--they likely stem from something a lot deeper, like her molestation as a child. That said, you obviously can't force her into therapy.
It's hard to know what to do. You don't want to abandon her, yet you don't want to crowd her, either.
I would tell her that--that you'd like to remain in her life, yet you don't want to be overbearing, and see what she has to say.
Obsessive thoughts about getting back together probably aren't good. Thoughts are fine, but if you label them obsessive, you might want to try to let them go.
You might actually benefit from counselling yourself at this point. There's nothing inherently wrong with you, but a therapist might be able to help you better see where she's coming from, and advise you on how to help her, or deal with the possibility of not being able to help her.
It's interesting, too, that you tend to fall for women with a history of sexual abuse. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I would suspect it arises from some sort of desire to protect. A therapist might also help you understand just why you've had that pattern, and whether or not it's healthy.
I wish I could offer more concrete suggestions, but unfortunately, I don't have the training (nor the experience, really).
I hope you manage to work things out, though. You seem like a genuinely caring guy in a difficult situation. I hope you can both heal and find what you need in life.
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