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what do you think I should do?
Hi Dr. Chad
I have a kind of long and complicated question, and I'm asking you because you are actually one of the best columnists on this site and are very intelligent, in my humble opinion.
Okay, well it's about a man that I've been friends with for the last 3 years. He is married, and has been married to this woman for the last decade. They are completly miserable together. She is ten years older than him and has two grown kids from her first marriage. I actually even think she's a grandma. She is 53 and he is 43. They have never had a child together. She is (not to be mean) really unnatractive, not just from the outside but the inside too. Her grown kids have both stolen thousands of dollars from her husband(my friend). They are also herion addicts. She is always taking her kids side no matter what they do. She is a chain smoker and spends alot of her money on bingo and gambling. He hates smoking and is pretty careful with the money. She also yells at him and controls his money and who he hangs out with. I honestly don't even think they have sex anymore, and if they did she is the one to always inititat.
Okay, so now you know about his rocky marriage.
So heres the part where I come in.
Well I am 27 and a Christian and still a virgin who is saving herself for marriage. He knows this of course. We met each other 3 years ago at a party. We've been good friends and have never crossed the line, but we are both very attracted to each other. I've seen him looking at me with these large sad eyes when his wife was sitting next to him. I always would catch him starting and looking at me, not in a lusty way but a look of tenderous that pierced my heard. I feel i may even love him and he loves me.
The problem is that two months ago he phoned me and said that he and his wife were moving to their first home together in another state. They had to move for a job in the oil camp. This is because their business was failing. I was really upset and said that we would probably never see each other again, but then he got upset and said that he would still see me. He also gave me his old computer before he left, I didnt already have one and this would be a way for us to contact each other.
I know that his wife can't stand me. Well it's pretty much mutual although I have never told him this.
But I feel even though we both secretly love each other that he is too chicken shit to leave his wife even though she makes him miserable.
I told him last summer that I would love to have kids one day. I didnt say with him but it was implied because I blushed and then he said I would make a great mother.
Time is passing by and I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes we don't talk for months at a time.
What do you think I should do?
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Dear Hopeful,
Thank you for trusting me with your story. I hope I can help you find your way through this heartache.
I suppose that you, in your heart-of-hearts, already know that he isn't going to leave her for you, at least not anytime soon. But perhaps you can't understand why, and that is the question that causes you the most pain.
We can only guess at his state of mind, but you did list some facts which indicate his level of commitment in his marriage:
* They have been married for ten years. I believe most divorces occur in the first five years, so their relationship, regardless of how it looks from the outside, is durable, to say the least.
* They just bought a house. Buying a house indicates long-term commitment, especially when the purchase is made after ten years of marriage. They needed to plan for this and save money for a down-payment.
* They moved to a different state. Moving out of state also indicates a long-term commitment.
I believe that if he wasn't committed to his wife, he wouldn't have made these major life changes with her.
On the other hand, given your description of him, I believe his affection for you is sincere. He has valued your friendship and shown respect for you as a person. I believe you may have filled an empty spot in his heart. Clearly there is something missing from his marriage, and perhaps he was able to compensate for that through your friendship. If this is the case, then he (unwittingly) found a way to meet his need and still keep his marriage afloat. This doesn't make him selfish, just human. He probably doesn't even realize what his motivation is.
A marriage is probably the most complex relationship two people can enter into, and the dynamic that holds it together is impossible to define. I'll bet your friend and his wife, if pressed for an explanation as to what keeps them together, would have differing explanations, and both would probably be insufficient, even contradictory. Although we cannot describe what keeps their marriage going, we have to acknowledge the aforementioned facts and consider the likelihood that he isn't going to file for divorce any time soon.
One option you have is to stay in touch with him via email and phone calls, and HOPE he comes to his senses or grows a set of ... well, you know. You will be placing all your faith in him, putting all your money on a longshot. You believe there is a remote (remote!) chance he will actually leave her and you will finally have your happy ending. Love is blind, miracles do occur, and wouldn't it be awful if you missed your chance at happiness?
My advice is this: Call him and tell him exactly how you feel about him. Just let it all pour out. You will feel better, and he will know, in no uncertain terms, where he stands with you. Next, (and this will be the hard part), wish him and his wife the best of luck in their future, and then bid him farewell. Tell him you need to end your friendship and move on with your life, because waiting for a dim chance at a future with him is too painful and too lonely. Let him know that the only circumstance under which you ever expect to hear from him again is if he is single.
I believe you need to let this man go. They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't come back, then it was never yours to begin with.
You need to realize that much of your hopes and dreams of a future with this man have been fueled by, well, hopes and dreams...and little else. To my knowledge, he has never asked you to wait for him to leave his wife, as well he shouldn't, as it would be a selfish request, and he doesn't sound like a selfish man.
For what it's worth, I don't believe there is just one person out there for us. They say a successful marriage is about BEING the right person, not FINDING the right person. You have described yourself as loving, romantic, moral, sensible, and attractive (prettier than his wife, right? ;-) ). Someday soon, perhaps sooner than you think, you are going to meet a wonderful, AVAILABLE man who will fall in love with you and ask for your hand in marriage, and you two will live happily ever after. Or something like that.
Pick up the phone and make the call.
Warmest regards and best wishes,
Dr. Chad
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