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need a new perspective on my life
I'm going to try to make this short. I am a 17-year-old girl. I am a very sensitive person. When I get close to people I really get close.
I am currently in/through my first serious relationship. It's really hard because there are some things I don't understand about him. He is psychotic. He thinks he hears the devil (I'm not completely sure if it's true or just voices). He used to cut himself and I noticed that he has a new one. He is always saying, “That’s why I have my scars,” when something bad happens. This line annoys me because it seems like he’s the typical depressed teen. I know that schizophrenic people hear voices because they are disconnected from people in the real world. He was suicidal, and believes the only point to his life is to make other people happy. Although his quest is to enrich other people's lives, he never lets himself get close to them. I told him I love him and he started crying and saying he couldn't take that. He said he wasn't capable of loving anyone and that I should be with someone who could love me. That was two weeks ago.
I keep telling him I don't want to see him too much, and not only does it really hurt him, but I can't take being away from him. I end up going out of my way to see him. I'm having trouble seeing why I would want to live without him. My relationship with him has been the most confusing thing ever, since that horrible day I told him I love him. We keep getting together and then breaking up again.
Yesterday I let him take my virginity, something that I had full intentions of saving until marriage. I figured that he was horny, and I wanted to feel closer to him, so it was a win-win situation. It really wasn’t, though. It felt horrible because he didn't even seem like he was that honored. I couldn't have given him a greater present. Not only that, but it didn't even work for me. I just couldn't climax. I feel so cheap and lonely.
I really care about him. I feel like he cares about me too. More than he wants to admit. When I say I can't see him, he's so sad that he doesn't want to go anywhere with anyone, and he's a wreck. He still swears that he only cares about me on the level that he cares about all of his good friends. Maybe he's just pushing me away?
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It's hard to read stories like this because they are such a universal theme throughout middle and high school. It seems to me that your friend-love is severely depressed. I know that's obvious, but you gave me lots of triggers. I am willing to bet he's a rather spiritual person, in the way he says he wants to make others happy yet denies happiness for himself. In high school I knew someone who sounds extremely similar to your friend-love. He was a rather good writer and artist, cut himself incessantly, felt he was worthless, would never harm anyone, and had a terrible home life.
Your friend-love has probably heard over and over that he is a worthless and terrible person, because he really believes it. Yet inside him there lives a core of a person that, if he had confidence and the right friends, could become a very healthy person some day.
Unfortunately, 17 is a poisonous year. He won't admit he loves anyone or accept your love because, to him, that means he would be responsible for your happiness on a deep level. He wants to have your love, believe me, but he feels so shitty about himself he can't trust himself to care for you with the quality of care he thinks you deserve. His emotions are very dull and repressed, because emotions are doorways to vulnerability. Without emotions, even sex with someone he truly cares about would seem like almost nothing.
On that subject, don't beat yourself up about not climaxing, truly. If it was your first time, I would say you're lucky to get through it. Climaxing is a skill you must nurture through practice; it doesn't happen automatically for a girl like it does for a boy.
Yes, he's pushing you away because he feels like you are far too good for him and he is not qualified to make you happy. The more you give him attention, the more you tighten this noose--he wants to love you but he doesn't dare, and when you leave he misses you but he thinks he'll be better off far away where he can't hurt you.
If you are a spiritual person, I would suggest you give yourself and him some time together in a quiet, sacred space, such as a church or preferably in a beautiful outdoor spot. If you have the chance, try sitting outside under the moon. Give him quiet support. You are in love with him, but his strange action is hurting you. I won't tell you to leave him because that would be painful to you both. I also won't tell you to try to "cure" him because some things can't be fixed by one person. Time, love and talking his way through his pain may help. The most important thing is for him to feel that one person in the world looks up to and respects him. Let him feel that you aren't disappointed in his behavior when he does well and he might take heart. It will be a rough path, but you will probably be able to help him if you are steadfast and don't waver in your attempts.
In addition, don't let your friends (or anyone) suggest that he's not worth your efforts or that you're uncool for spending time with someone who's "messed up". There isn't anything as noble as helping someone away from their suffering. Believe me--the great majority of my friends are people who were, and are, terribly "messed up" people, but I care for them and they do respond.
If you need further guidance don't hesitate to come to me.
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