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Prenursing student; need advice on self-esteem and college?
Okay, I'm gonna start off by saying I've been through literal hell with my mental health. In my past, I've attempted, contemplated, and fantasized about suicide too many times to count (which I haven't done either of those three again in years, so don't worry!).
I can vividly remember having anxiety issues as far back as first grade.
I've never had the psychotic issues with my mental health, but I've mainly just dealt with too much depression and anxiety issues than I could handle at some points in my life.
Anxiety and social anxiety were a little worse than my depression even though my depression was absolutely awful. I used to not be able to even set foot in Walmart it was so bad. I couldn't speak on the phone. I used to not be able to even drive.
I've had mental health professionals tell me in the past that I need to apply for disability benefits.
But I worked my ass off everyday after I was told that (not that anything's wrong with being on disability. I just always wanted to work all my life). I fought for myself through blood, sweat, and tears, at times relapsing, but I went back for it.
After so much fighting for myself, I've now been working full-time as a certified personal care aide (even managed to successfully learn in a classroom setting) taking care of the elderly (I've worked in home healthcare and in a facility), I'm a prenursing student, I make phone calls with no problem, I can go anywhere no matter how many people, I can drive wherever I want even in traffic jams, etc.
I've done a lot of exposure therapy. Done a lot of talk therapy.
Now I have way more happy days than sad days. My depression still kicks my ass often, but I still have more happy days and my anxiety doesn't bother me anywhere like it used to.
***I said all this so you could know a little about me before you gave me advice on my college issue.***
Even though I've made so much progress in my life, I still basically have no self-esteem.
I don't think I'm pretty enough, I don't think I'm woman enough (biological female), I don't think I'm smart enough - I don't think I'm good enough in any area.
And how crap my self-esteem is affects my learning in college. I mean, I have no problem answering questions on a quiz, but when it comes to verbally explaining something or verbally answering a question, I can't do it for the life of me.
I think I still have some social anxiety issues left, but I also think I'm already convinced I can't answer it and explain it so I've already sabotaged my ability before I even tried.
I mean, I know I'm not straight up stupid because if I WAS, I wouldn't have been accepted to work towards the PN program, I wouldn't have passed my nursing entrance exam, and I wouldn't have good grades in my classes.
Do you have any advice on how to be better with verbally answering questions and verbally explaining the knowledge on a certain topic? Please and thank you, I appreciate so very much in advance!!!
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YOu want me to know about you before giving college advice, however your whole message is about your anxieties and issues with interacting on some levels with people and I dont see any clear questions on what you want to know for college. All I gather is that you want to know how to avoid having this affect college. So from me, you will get a totally different perspective. The end choice is yours though. I was extremely socially anxious as a child in school, it was there in Kindergarten. I was a first child, lived on a very high traffic street, no neighbors with kids, no siblings or pets, so when I went to school, that was my first encounter with people other than my parents and eventually siblings and I had bad social anxiety. It sure sounds like you have tried and found ways that have worked a bit for you and I am glad to hear. Me, I didn't do anything about it until I was in my last year of H.S. and scared about how I would be able to handle adult life being like that. I knew it would not work. So, I prayed and asked for help. What I believe God told me, is the very same stuff I read 15 to 20 years later in a library book written by a psychologist turned teacher and author. He trains people in the field how to use CBT, cognitive Behavioral Therapy. At one point in his past, he wasn't using it. It was actually a colleague who told him about it, how it was helping more people than talk therapy only. When he gave the basic info in a pamphlet form to clients waiting for their appointment whether weeks or months away, many who followed the basic advice were already helped long before they saw him. His name is David D. Burns and he also has a website where you can find titles of his books, blogs, and much much more.
Here is that link: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Although there is a book by that title, he has a updated one called feeling great. If you decide to read, I'd get that one as it has the added info on T.E.A.M. which is something that helps those for whom CBT is not enough.
The stuff I learned that he did for people with social anxiety of different types was to expose people in public to the very things they are fearful of...something I believe you have probably done to some extent. So here I will share what I did to get rid of my social anxiety which included being shy because of it.
Here is the doc on anxiety:
Overcoming Shyness/Social Anxiety
I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 16 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
For info regarding what neurotransmitters do in your body, here is a link that should help explain:[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Now thats one thing addressed. You also mentioned depression. According to the studies with CBT, it seems the majority of people who are depressed are not clinically depressed. This means you were not born with the brain having the any neurotransmitters which are messengers in the brain. That is true clinical depression. Most people according to Dr. Burns were found to have the kind of depression that one can fix on their own, by simply doing certain things that will raise the levels of depleted neurotransmitters if they work on raising those levels. Same as your cars gas gauge saying you are low on fuel, you can't drive forever and at some point without refueling, your car stops, much as the issues facing a person in depression. So I have the next document, one on depression and how to overcome it. If it does not work, then you have true clinical depression and will know you must take anti depression meds the rest of your life. But chances are, they may work and work well. When I forget to redo the things that raise my levels, at times they may become deleted and of course you can tell by how you feel, so I follow this advice myself to feeling better.
All about Depression and what to do about it
Depression isn't something to fear or shy away from acknowledging and taking care of. It is nothing more than the indicator on your cars dashboard saying oil levels are low. So what exactly are people low on when they begin to feel depressed and anxious? Here's an article that explains it all without my having to type it out for you.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Yes, there is something you can do that will instantly jump start your body into creating more NT's and feel good hormones. I came across a article in a blog once on the internet that explains it well. When one of my daughters got depressed after a 2nd boyfriend broke up with her, it was real bad this time and she was unable to bounce back. I told her what to do but hey, it's just mom, what does she know, right? So through her job, she went for her one free visit to a psychologist who told her everything she could do herself since she would be unable to come in for sessions, and the list he gave her is exactly what I came across.
It's going to sound crazy, really silly and not believable but you're not going to get results if you don't trust me enough to give it a try, cus what have you got to lose, as silly as it makes you feel.
1. Find reasons to laugh. Laughter is good medicine for a reason. It helps raise these low levels. So watch your favorite comedies, get on the net and find comedy acts to watch. Talking about the hard belly ache laughter here.
2. Listen to uplifting music. I can't say what is uplifting to you but it's going to be something you've always felt when hearing a certain melody, its not the lyrics that count, its the sound. What you're looking for is listening to the songs that make your heart feel light as a balloon as if it were about to float out of your chest. A melody that does it for me is "Clocks" by Coldplay. I have a small collection of songs I play and sing along to whenever I begin to feel a stressed feeling coming on, which warns me my levels are too low.
3. This brings me to the next point--singing. Singing helps to raise those NTs and hormones. So don't just listen to music, sing along.
4. Movement...action is important. Think of how many people you've heard of who lack energy, want to stay in bed all day and do nothing when severely depressed. Doing nothing will only keep a person stuck so doing the opposite, movement will help. It is suggested that a person walk, jog, do exercise or a more fun version of movement, dancing. So just move to the music. There's that music again. Its all tied together as you can see. I have tried skipping, like a little kid would do. Hadn't done it since I was a kid. Imagine a woman in her 50's skipping down the street. I felt silly but as I continued, I began to laugh hilariously at myself and I feel the stress just melt off instantly.
5. Give hugs and get hugs. Have you heard of hugging therapy? Bet you haven't. But in recent years it is becoming more popular. A true prolonged bear hug with another person is much needed to help keep the levels up. One hug per day won't do. It is suggested that around 8 per day will help. So...give a hug and you automatically recieve one. Can't think of anyone you like enough to give a hug to? Hug a stranger.
* The first five are things that will have the quickest effects. Here are more
6. Meditate. This means you're taking time to let your mind relax, not focus on your problems or tasks to be done. This takes some practice to do well and learn how to stop your subconscious mind from just constantly wandering off to dwell on things that rob you of your peace.
7. Learn to forgive. Did you know that when you hold a grudge or hold on to your anger, you are
putting a huge energetic tax on your system? Think of it like picking up a heavy weight and having to carry it around with you all the time. As long as we focus on what was done to us from a negative viewpoint instead of finding the ability to forgive, we keep reliving the experiences as a victim rather than remembering them as an overcomer.
8. Being Grateful/Thankful. Gratitude is one of the highest states you can achieve. No matter what’s going on in your life, you can find something for which to be grateful. Even when something terrible has happened to you, chose to find the blessing or positive point in the situation. Such as: "I am grateful to the people who were challenging to me today because it gave me the
opportunity to grow." And it could be something simple as "I am grateful to have the warmest, coziest bathrobe in the world."
The last three tend to have something to do with our thoughts and our brain. If these 3 are not addressed in your life, then all the relief you find with the first 5 steps will be dropped down to lower levels again. So learning to work on the last three as becoming a part of who you are will help greatly.
You should now understand what it means when the NTs and hormones are at critically low levels for you to be able to function normally. If not, think of it like a car low on oil to lubricate the parts. You can make the engine freeze up and ruin it. The low levels in a cars oil could be due to an oil leak and a check up for the car would reveal that.
Its just the same for a human. To make a comparison, the oil leak would be like a medical issue contributing to the problem. Just as a cars oil will get used up in the daily functioning on the road, and need to be replaced regularly, so it is with us, we actually need daily if not every other day techniques used to raise our levels again as they get used up. Unfortunately this is not taught to humans at all at any point in their life. Depression is just the humans 'indicator light' saying that 'their oil' is low.
I also would like to share one more thing, it makes this answer so much longer but it is about gaining self confidence, and I found that helped me with my self esteem as well. Found this in a magazine article and went home to write it down, the jist of it, and tried it and it worked so well I was shocked. Almost felt like a Twilight Zone episode with all the positive feedback I got. Here it is:
Gaining Self Confidence
It's about more than just gaining confidence in our looks, although success there will put you in the frame of mind needed to release that confidence. If present in yourself in one area, it spills over to other area's and ones looks are very important and key to a woman so here it is.
The article mentioned borrowing a celebrity's confidence by making a mental association with them using a body feature of theirs where you feel you have a different but also just as great feature. For me, I focused on my eyes. I like them. They are very expressive, a little deep-set and sparkle a lot when I am being a comedian. I used an actress, but it could be a singer or blogger, someone whom you feel also has a great feature like yours, just different. Know how a celebrity can enter a room and all eyes are on them and people wishing they were just as cool. Well, this is what you can do. Simply decide what feature of yours you like, just one. I thought the others were too plain, not interesting, but my eyes were the only things I felt terrific about. So pick that celebrity, and every day, whenever you leave your home, your car, or enter a room, a building or office or just a fun place in public, let the thought cross your mind, I am as confident as “name of celebrity” because I also have great “mention your chosen feature. This may sound silly, but you are tricking your mind into feeling confident about one little thing by doing this. I did this every day and a new habit of doing this developed. There is something non tangible, something others don't see with their eyes, that changes in you which all of a sudden draws people's attention. I saw this in a nudist event I once tried. Didn't know anyone there but there were 2 very obese, naked women in attendance. I saw a crowd of people around someone so I being short, worked my way to the front to see what the draw was, and it was one of the obese women. I was startled to find that even as a straight woman, I could see she had a very beautiful face, it also just drew you in and she was telling a story. She had self confidence that totally overrules any thing else about her, people were not disgusted with her body. The other woman was all alone and then I felt it, that lack of confidence, though I couldn't see it, I felt it and didn't want to go anywhere near it because I felt it. For me, at one point, I was at a dinner going to bathroom when another patron, a male stopped me to tell me I had the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.” I wasn't wearing a bit of makeup and I at first just chalked it up to a man hitting on me. Well, it continued. Even while out with my husband, a man nearby made a comment about my beautiful eyes, and his lady friend said the same thing. It kept happening until I felt the confidence and stopped the visualization and saying those things. I now felt confidence in myself and it flowed over to other things, how I carry myself, my joy of making others laugh, and how good looking I am to select men. Even you are not drawn to every type of man out there,neither am I and I now feel confident that with that fact in mind, I am at least woman enough to turn some heads, not all, and interest some men though most won't show it if they see I have a husband. My husband pays my all sorts of compliments and tells me how much better looking I seem to be for my age than other women. I think its really about the self confidence I am wearing which is the best thing a female can ever wear.
This is a lot to take in. Try whatever sounds good to you. Take care of yourself and get yourself in a place where you feel confident, no anxiety and little to no depression, and choose what you feel works for you. I only shared what worked for me. It may not help you but has been proven by others before I read about them, to work well. I wish you the best dear, and I know that once you are in a good place, you will be able to handle anything that comes your way, including the things currently hard for you like answering and explaining.
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First, I want to congratulate you on being such a determined survivor, which is clear. That you also have motivation,talents, and skills is also clear.
You asked, specifically, for advice about verbally answering questions and explaining your knowledge of a given topic, and yes, I DO have what I consider to be an excellent suggestion.
Find your local chapter and join Toastmasters. They are a group specifically designed to assist people with gaining confidence and public speaking skills. Whether or not you are "running for office", giving speeches somewhere, or simply wanting to hone your self confidence and speaking skills in general, they are open to everyone and to each purpose someone may have for joining.
I used it, long ago. And I had a specific goal in mind: passing my oral licensing exams to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. And guess what? It helped, and i DID pass !
You are clearly a determined goal setter and interested in self improvement, so give this a try?
Meanwhile, wherever you are in school, there are counselors available, usually at no cost to students with a minimum number of class units, which will also help support and guide you.
Lastly, if you are not currently on any medications, you just might wish to consider taking something for anxiety and/or other things, as recommended.
Good luck and good wishes! Dr. Stephanie
Good luck, good wishes,
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