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Is Reaction To Awkward Moment Harrassment?
Hi there. I cannot believe I am writing this but here goes. It is sort of a weird role reversal sexual harassment reality check. I am not trying to get anyone in trouble. I think I might be part of the problem, but now I am sort of the focus in an unwanted way. Either way, I am not sure what to do about it.
I am a 16-year-old straight white male (he/him/his). I have a part-time job after school and on weekends as a lifeguard at our YMCA. It is a GREAT job. It was a very competitive process and I am the only one my age they have ever hired at our location.
I am also one of only a few male lifeguards here. I am not sure why they hire mostly female guards and I am not accusing anyone of anything. My mom thinks it is because female guards are better with kids. Does that mean my mom is sexist? Just kidding.
As I said, it is a GREAT job. I am confident with my swimming, rescue skills, and CPR training. I have had some awesome moments helping people. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize this opportunity.
It does not hurt that the female lifeguards (including my boss) are very attractive and fit. Even though I am younger and off limits they have until now had a good attitude and don’t treat me like a kid. There is a lot of flirting and innuendo during meetings and training when we are together as a group (which surprised me with a group that is mostly females). Maybe it is sexist for me to be surprised. Not sure what to think. Either way, I do a lot more blushing than flirting back.
If I get a normal compliment around others sometimes I don’t know how to react, so I do this goofy thing where I flex my beginner biceps and say “oh yeah” like a cocky body builder and it gets a laugh and some whistles because it is more like I am poking fun at myself because I am only 5 foot 8 inches tall and 130 pounds and more of an ectomorph body type with a shy personality. It is just a goofy thing I do to cover being nervous while I stand there half naked in front of pretty girls. Even though I have multiple crushes going on in my mind I would never try anything with the female guards at work or my boss.
The issue is more about an awkward incident and how it was handled. We were standing poolside in a half circle facing our supervisor in our swimsuits ready for a weekly training. Just before she started talking one of the female lifeguards was describing some tatoo she had seen to another female lifeguard and she took me by the arm and pulled me toward them and said she needed to “borrow” my arm and she traced some design on my shoulder and upper arm with her fingernail. Right after this our meeting started. I already had the hots for her and her touching my arm like that gave me an instant and insane boner right there in front of everyone.
Normally I wear compression shorts underneath my swimsuit to avoid this very issue and keep myself from tenting. The swim shorts are loose enough to hide even serious bulges as long as I am wearing the compression shorts underneath. I did not have my compression shorts on that day though and my swim shorts were tenting outrageously. People were starting to laugh and stare and the more I realized the girls were noticing the more intense it got. I started looking around behind me for something to hold in front of me to hide my problem and my supervisor yelled at me to pay attention and asked what I was looking for. A girl glanced down to make my boss look down and said “I think he is looking for cover.”
For some reason my supervisor got mad at me like I was a pervert and causing trouble and told me to “leave now” and go “take care of it” and that everyone would “be waiting” until I “fixed” my “problem.” Everyone laughed of course. I said, “Are you serious?” And she yelled “Now Jacob!” It echoed so loud. I was humiliated.
I left and went to a private bathroom in our break area and masturbated as fast as I could and got myself back to normal. When I came out of the bathroom most of my fellow guards were standing around the bathroom door staring at me as I came out grinning at me like they caught me doing something. One girl asked if I “enjoyed myself.” The girl who traced on my arm said it was a “very cute boner” and she was flattered (which was nice but awkward). We went back to training and the cold water kept things from being a problem the rest of the day.
The problem is that now people are constantly making jokes about me having a boner and handing me things when I stand up in case I “need cover.” The girl who drew on my arm winks and waves every single time someone makes a joke about me getting boners (which tends to cause one all over again). Apparently I blush really easy which just encourages the comments. I smile and try to act all cool and don’t complain, but it makes me feel like a weird pervy horndog or some teenage boy they just like to tease and don’t take seriously anymore.
It is not my fault I got an erection. Not wearing compression shorts that day was my fault. I get that. I should have known better. I also need to calm down I guess when a girl just touches me innocently and is not doing anything sexual. I can't explain why I reacted that way. To be honest, it does not take much.
My issue is I feel like being told in front of everyone to go masturbate and make everyone wait until I was done was not right. I just needed to find something to hold in front me until we were in the water. Instead of being discreet my boss made it the total focus of everyone’s attention. She is still acting mad at me like I am a troublemaker. I feel like she should have handled it better.
I am sure women go through a lot worse in the workplace and it is not like people are trying force me to have sex or rape me or molest me, but I feel like it is kind of harassment in a way. Maybe I should just man up, keep quiet, and not say anything to her and just hope she stops being mad at me. Maybe she is embarrassed and does not know what to say. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about this or anyone at work. My school friends would totally laugh at the situation. Is it just an awkward sucky experience I need to get over? I am not even sure what I would say if I do talk to my supervisor. It would be awkward as hell. I still like her and I don’t want to cause her stress or make her not like me.
Any advice?
Thank you, Jacob.
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This is not a problem, on the contrary, you can establish a short relationship with girls for spending time together)
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I agree with Dr.Stephanie and would otherwise type all the same to you. I will just add a little more of what I wish. The teasing, or razzing as it's calling today doesn't sound like a fun hearted tease but rather the on purpose harassment thing of teasing which isn't teasing anymore to me, but feels like a form of harassment. Got that question recently from a guy harassed by other men in his unique situation. In all cases, I have noticed that when a person who is being teased or razzed by people , and responding with humor, it usually ends the current tease right there with a laugh from them and its over. I experienced this often as a child for being shy, wearing glasses and having a name they could make fun of.
I know you mentioned flexing your muscles when complimented. That is perfect! Remember that and basically if you are busy trying to think of the best funny reply you and say or do, then you won't be focused as much on being embarassed. I am sharing this as a thing to remember in life, not just this situation. I do agree it was handled badly and you did nothing wrong. People, even kids, need to be treated as you wish others would treat you. I wouldn't correct my child out in public where anyone could hear but in private somewhere. It is the more caring way to treat another human being. Parents forget with their kids and kids treated this way grow into adults for whom it is too easy to do the same thing and think it is totally innocent but fun and not serious. They would realize how serious it is if given a thought of themselves in a similar mortifying situation. I call tell you right now what it would be for a great amount of women, and that would be leaking on her clothes while having a period or the bulge on the pad showing in back on her butt as an unnatural bump further down her butt. She has no control over her period, just as you can't help if your body responds to stimuli by becoming erect and tenting. Think of this again for the future, things that you have no control to stop, shouldn't be things you are teased about. Example, a disabled person which a twisted, short leg, can still walk but doesn't look or move as a normal healthy person can. He was born like that, has no trouble over it and teasing him for how he walks would be also in very bad taste. If you do decide to say something to anyone and the person doesn't take you seriously and doesn't apologize, may need to have you place her in your shoes for a moment by imagining something that is very likely to happen to her at some point in her life, Its happened to me a few. You may have to share the story of how it would be cruel to tease a woman for having period stains of blood on her skirt or pants or seeing able to see how thick her pad is by seeing it bulge out in her pants in back and teasing her about it. When people finally see the situation of yours from a viewpoint of being their experience even though imagined, they will see the error of their ways and other than a really nasty human out there, most will stop the teasing. And do not show anger or frustration with them, keep your voice calm as you share. Good luck.
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First, Jacob, I admire you , both for being so articulate and willing to share what was clearly a mortifying experience for you. Here is my take on what happened and what you might do about it.
You already know that you need to wear compression shorts consistently, so we'll dispense with this.
I think your supervisor was terribly wrong and handled things badly. She really actually owes you an apology, although I doubt if you'll get one. She could have at least asked you to step into her office and speak to you privately, for a start.
Again, your supervisor was wrong not to call out the girl who touched you, which was also inappropriate and out of line.
You did NOTHING wrong, yourself, other than forgetting to use the shorts.
The question is what to do now? You have a couple of options, including doing nothing.
Or: you can ask to speak to your supervisor in private and inform her that you were deeply embarrassed by her comments, apologize for neglecting to wear compression shorts, assure her that it won't happen again , but if it did, that you would appreciate not being called out in front of everyone, when she could have spoken to you either in private or not at all.
You might also mention that you feel it would be up to her to ensure that unwanted touching from colleagues is also not acceptable, while on duty.
Depending upon whether you are taken seriously, offered a much due apology, whether there is a change in behavior to follow, or not, may influence your remaining choices.
And I do think you should do SOMETHING, since this has clearly been bothering you, and rightly so.
Your other options are:
1. Speak to the girl who touched you , and tell her it was uncomfortable for you and ask politely that she never do that again.
2. If your supervisor is unresponsive ,unapologetic, or anything else, you have the option to go to HER supervisor, explain what happened and how uncomfortable you still are about it, or what may happen next. Keep in mind, though, that this may have repercussions for you, with your current supervisor and decide whether its worth it or not. Ideally, it may put her in her place and cause her to change her ways, plus give you an apology.
Lastly, leave. This will not be the only job in the world, and you would certainly be entitled to seek another, where things will be handled more professionally by your supervisor.
Do not be too hard on yourself! Outside of forgetting your shorts, you were not responsible for any of this.
And I KNOW, without a doubt, that you won't ever be as forgetful again.
So good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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