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Why is my crush behaving like this?
I had a crush on this guy from school. Met him in 12th tuts. From first day of tutions he started flirting with me. He would wink at me text me flirty emoticons. Then he brokeup after few days. After breakup with his girlfriend he started staring at me. I was staring at him once making it obvious. He would stare at me and smile a lot. One day he was staring and smiling I reacted negatively. Since then he stopped staring. He would stare at me without smiling whenever I would dress up nice. Whenever his guy friend would compliment me. One day I entered the class and his friend said " Go sit beside him (my crush) the same day my crush sat next to my friend who is a girl to make me jealous. He would reduce texting me. Then when he got to know I felt jealous he would stare at me from far away with sad eyes. One day he was sitting next bench and was staring at me till I look at him but I never looked that way. His friends started teasing him with my name. Then Lockdown happened. I would text him long messages he would reply with 1 emoticon. He would be very cold in text I would type friend in it. I friendzoned him on text even called him bro. He would comment on my pictures rarely. He would always observe me what I was posting in stories etc. I even saw him in dating apps. After lockdown I shifted my from college to his. I had avoided him whenever I used to go to his college for document work. He would always act mad. Then when college happened offline to remove the awkwardness I said hi he gave me handshake. He glares at me when I am alone and avoids when I am around people.He again stared at me but this time with attitude. Next day he came upstairs and started roaming around corridoor. He is now trying to get my attention. Why is he now not talking to me and avoiding me. Did he ever like me or is he just playing games? He has dated 3 girls in the past and our parents are friends.We dont text each other at all now. I had unfollowed him in between after few days he sent me req.
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I wish you had included your age. I gather that you are a student, but you assume we know what you mean by "TUTS" or "TUTIONS",which we don't. All this sounds like a tempest in a teapot, which is to say, lots of time, thought and attention paid to what's going on with him with regard to you. So far, you haven't said one thing about him that would suggest either that he has anything to offer you, or that he's even interested in you. "Winking" and sending "Flirty emoticons"? Well, maybe, but that's miniscule , when compared to talking with you, spending time with you, etc. So what is it that makes you so interested in this guy, to begin with? My guess is that you needn't worry at all about "what's going on with him", and that some of your time and energy might be better placed in interacting with others who have more personality and social skills than this poor soul. Oh, and don't neglect your studies, which is why you are there, in the first place.
Dr. Stephanie
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If I am correct by reading your text, you mention college. I was beginning to wonder if this was college people or middle or high school, all of which are people who know very little to nothing about how to communicate, make new friends, what to look for when wanting to date. I knew just as little when I was your age. That's how I got married to an abusive man. The staring game is getting you no where as you probably have figured out by now. He started it, you did the same back. If you wanted to tell your parents you wanted to go along on an outing they were doing...you wouldn't just stare at them hoping they'd figure it out, you would come out and say the actual words. So I will pretend I am you and have a guy acting like him. After his flirting I would know he likes my looks. He still knows next to nothing about me, whether I am straight or other, whether I am interested in starting a relationship right now, my needs and wants in a relationship. Females are more complicated than males. Males are pretty easy to figure out. Their answers are not convoluted but to the point most times. So as soon as I see him doing his staring thing and saying nothing, I would give it just one day of staring and by end of day or early next day, I would smile and approach him to talk. Smiles are important. It means you are approachable. To me, bro means a friend and I don't feel we are even friends yet, just acquaintances through our parents, so I just call him by his first name. "Hi Joe. I have seen you looking my way, looking at me quite often today. Since you have flirted before, I am wondering if you had some kind of interest in me beyond our parents being friends. I know its hard to talk to the opposite sex sometimes, fearing rejection but I want you to know I am open to dating or just being friends once I get to know you good enough to know if we have anything in common. I am willing to spend time hanging out with you to get to know you first and if that works out, go to the next step. If I am wrong and you do not want to talk to me, then please stop looking at me in a way that is staring. (This is the only time I would say 'staring' because people can get defensive and not hear anything else you say to them if used at the start of your speech.)
One of you has to be brave enough to bring up the subject. Once you get to my age, almost nothing will floor you or embarrass you, you will just speak whats on your mind. This is the only thing from older age, that I wish I was able to do when I was your age. It is common to not talk and just stare. But unless you both can read minds or communicate telepathically, you will have to speak up. Since it's bothered you enough to write in, that job is up to you. He may be shy, but its more likely he likes you and is simply afraid of you because he doesn't know how it will go if he does talk to you. Even older people, I give them permission ahead of convo's to be open and honest, and that nothing they ask or say is going to make me freak out and have an emotional reaction. I have found that men at any age are fearful of a woman crying or getting angry or some other emotion other than love. It truly freaks them out as they have no experience crying or being angry for long. Yes, they can get angry enough to have a big punch out with a buddy but once done, its like a release valve was opened and that anger is all gone and they are patting each others backs and acting all good friends again. Women are not like this. Does he have sisters, because he will know a bit from observing them. If not, he could be really scared to mess this up with you and he is confused by your smiles and then avoidances, lack of texts, unfollowing, it sends him mixed messages so he's even more unsure of whether to say something to you or not. Remember hearing about the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. This book should be a requirement in High school reading. How else will a person even begin to learn how the other sex thinks, acts and communicates, etc. I have learned what I know from the dating I did after a divorce. Now the men were not college age but there were plenty of them still thinking like school age people. Don't give up on him yet until you know more. It may be he isn't moving forward, stepping up and talking to you because of the notion that men can be too pushy with females, and he wants to give them the chance to show a guy when they are ready for the next step. My own 2nd husband, wrote to me from an online dating site I was on long before the phone apps of like and swipe that are based mostly on the looks, nothing of the character. We talked a week before meeting in person. When he called to ask me over to his place (he had a teen daughter at home) I felt safe enough to go and liked him alot from the calls and one meet up. Wanted to hang out more to see if I could go beyond just liking, although he had said, if there is no chemistry to be more than friends, he would be okay with just friends. At his place, he made no move, even though the daughter had now met me, liked me and retreated to her room to give us privacy. He did not even try to kiss me. I only found out after I made the first moves for kisses and sex, that he told me, he purposely left it up to the lady to decide if she wanted a kiss or sex and to either ask for it or just do it. But if it didn't happen by a certain time frame, then there wasn't enough chemistry to make this relationship work for the rest of our lives. So whatever you've heard about waiting First, for a guy to tell you he's interested and wants to see you again, is not correct at all. If a man doesn't like you making the first move even for just a conversation, then he is definitely someone you don't want to get hooked up with. Trust me, its a sign of things he feels he is lacking in and in trying to compensate for, bends you to his will, forget compromise ever. So, the ball is in your court so to speak. Just go talk to him. Try to remember to ask questions that can't be answered by yes or no as those are close ended questions, meaning he can answer and then doesn't have to add anything more to answer so he won't. Thats something that all people might do, its not just men. Forget his glares and silence and see if he warms up and is willing to talk to you. A guy who is really interested will want to see you, be with you, call or contact you daily because he can't wait til he sees you again. If all goes well and he warms up to this, great. If he seems to feel a bit uncomfortable in any area, just give him encouragement and you can ask first if he is wondering about something, or wants to ask something. As said before, if a guy knows he can say or ask anything without getting his head chewed off for it, he will become more confident around a female and interact in encouraging ways to you. If you do all this and try to give him a chance and he still plays hot and cold, then you can tell him you are tired of these games of his, you gave him his chances and its over. No dating so stop the staring. You might feel awkward and embarrassed to go talk now after what you did with unfollowing him, no calls or texting. I have found that people don't think less of you for doing something questionable if you admit to it and why it happened. In fact, they will relax even more, knowing you mess up the same way they do, feel the same things they do, wonder about the same stuff, etc. and will actually. If he won't accept your explanation of how confused you were and why you stopped all contact, he is one of a very small minor group of personality types that may feel only they count and everyone else on the planet is there for 'them', and get angry at you, then remember, I have found angry people to be the smallest minority. In my life, of those I walked up to, and talked to, I've only once had someone snap back in an angry tone and of course, I walked away. I know it wasn't me and usually isn't something you did wrong if shooting for all the right things to do, it was just that one very rare, ugly, nasty disposition you saw, a person who is perpetually angry at everything, the whole world in fact. Don't let any fear keep you from starting convo's and trying to communicate well with people. Good luck and I don't mind hearing back how everything went as long as I know which story was yours cus there is nothing to identify an advice seeker, other than their situation. Mention it briefly and write direct to me by picking Dragonflymagic from the list by clicking on 'search advice columnists'.
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