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Should I keep this gift or not?
Right before Holidaze break of 2019, the people who are majors and minors of my department in college all went to our department chair’s home and did the usual Xmas gift exchange thing. I’m in the theater department, so of course there are all kinds of crazy gifts (including a brand new cue ball, like the kind that goes with a pool table) and all kinds of swapping. I got the gift from this older gay guy named Jeremy. It was a roll of toilet paper which had pictures of Jeremy on every sheet, and it was on both sides of the toilet paper (like alternating, one picture on the outside of one sheet and the next sheet has the picture on the other side.) Jeremy said that he wanted to give a gift that “people could actually use”. He had peeled the backing paper off of the pictures before he put them on there so the pictures were really soft, like regular toilet paper. I asked him before we all left the party if he really wanted me to use it and he said “absolutely!”, which was so crazy but that’s kinda how he was-wild, crazy, unrestrained, beautiful, and epic. I accidentally left the roll of toilet paper with his pictures on it in my college apartment when I went to my parents house for Xmas or else I would have started using it over the Holidaze break.
Over the Holidaze break however, about two weeks after the party, Jeremy was driving over a hundred miles per hour and hit a bunch of trees after hydroplaning. He passed away instantly. (He had a habit of driving by himself at crazy speeds on back country roads; he always said that doing that was his happy place.)
At the memorial service, I tried to give the roll of toilet paper from the party to Jeremy’s boyfriend, but he said that he just wasn’t able emotionally to take it and he thought that since I had gotten it at the party, Jeremy would have wanted me to have it. I wanted to give it to Jeremy’s family, but then I thought about how awkward it would have been with them not knowing me and me handing them a roll of toilet paper with pictures of their passed away son glued onto every sheet.
So now it’s been about two years now and I don’t know what to do. We weren’t super close but we had a lot of cool memories being part of the same group of friends doing college together. He put in too much work making it to just chuck it in the trash. I don’t really have room for it though and it’s a pretty weird thing to have. Normally I try to be pretty minimalist but this one item is super difficult because of the story.
What do you think please?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Gift Giving?
This is a very unusual gift) I would probably still not use it, but I never received this)
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I feel the same, it must have some meaning to you or you wouldn't be confused about what to do or heck, even wait so long. If I had recieved it, I would have tossed it in the garbage can as soon as I got home and if he asked me later if I like it, lie through my teeth and say, yes, we used it all up. I know someone like this guy you describe. What is funny to him isn't funny to me, he's wild, crazy, unrestrained but going on, unreliable and also seems unteachable in simple things, more like a kid in a grown ups body. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting a relationship with such a guy. My husband feels the same way. We see him once a week at a volunteer community dinner thing we do through church and he volunteers there. So, yeah I know the sort. I don't feel like I owe anybody anything, just because I know them from somewhere. theres aquaintance and theres friends. This guy doesnt sound like a close friend of yours, just an aquaintence, but you seem to have your two mixed up. If just an acquaintence and it was a gag gift, I wouldn't feel I had to treasure it just because it was given to me. What if he wrapped up and gave you a dead squirrel he found in his yard with a note saying that now you have your very own real fur, just not one you can wear. Would you have treasure it, put it on display while watching the maggots crawling on the body? Probably not. I have been to a store in the mall that had nothing but gag gifts like jelly beans that taste like bile, an ashtray that looks like a toilet, edible underwear and other crazy things. I would never want to receive or give such items. But because that was part of the set up of this party, people went for gag rather than substitute something nice, as I would have. I actually have no interest in such things. So since he is dead, I am sure, it won't matter if you throw it away. Burn it in a nice fireplace fire and say a few words over it. If you know whether he was buried or cremated, you could say, Jeremy, where ever you are, I thought it would be nice for you to have a second cremation of sorts since your pic is on this toilet paper, or since you were buried rather than cremated, thought it might be nice for you to have a cremation so I'm using the toilet paper with your image on it to burn in the fireplace.
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It's obvious that it does mean something to you or you wouldn't be second guessing what to do with it. You might not have room for it now but if you put it aside in a box (carefully) you might have room for it later as a memory you shared with him and a joke meant for you. If you toss it you'll regret having done so.
I have had friends who wrote a ton of great stuff and journaled in their teens and twenties or made artwork and chucked it and wished they hadn't because it captured a moment in time and how they evolved as people. If this is something that keeps someone's memory alive to you or has a story keep ahold of it.
As far as his family goes, it's a bad idea to show it to them because you don't know them well and B they won't get the joke and will likely be offended and not receive that well.
Instead, send them a card about how much their son meant to you and the qualities he possessed and what made him a great friend and someone you'll have a lasting memory of. That above anything is what they need right now and the best thing you could do to honour your friend and be respectful of him and the tragedy.
Another thing you should consider doing is ask them what you can do to help them honour him or a cause they knew he was passionate about and with their blessing donate to it or help create awareness of it.
This person's life shouldn't be in vain and there are lessons others can get from the tragic way he passed about being responsible when driving and no drinking, drugs, texting or distractions or driving recklessly even on back roads. You could start something at your school to educate people (with their blessing) and do presentations.
You should consider volunteering with MADD or other organizations and share the story about him and make sure other young people don't copy his mistakes. That's more important than the toilet paper roll but keep that too as it reminds you of his humour and connection and a moment you had with him.
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You are under no obligation to save this more than unusual gift, regardless of whether the giver is deceased, or not. And since it doesn't appear to have any sentimental value for you, fee free to dispose of it.You have tried to give it to others who might want it, and found that they didn't .So, you are now free to do with it as you desire.
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