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long distance Boyfriend is depressed and often suicidal
My long distance boyfriend of 2 years is often losing himself. He has numerous mental disorders, and struggles with them daily. He often provokes fights when he drinks and generally has a lot of anger that builds up. This weekend, he is going to a party and so am i, he wants to get smashed and talked about this one asshole he wants to beat up, he also said he might kill him. Knowing him, he will, he wont hesitate if he wants to. But i also wanted to drink and im not sure if i should or stay home incase something happens to him.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I'd advise you to stay home, if you know he is unstable and is planning to drink it might be best to make or create an excuse. There is also a couple options for his disorders. The most direct answer would be leaving him, I know this might seem hard after two years, although maybe he will return with his act together you never know. The second option is to get him help from specialists. They might be paid to do their job although they do sometimes work as a person to confide in and they study to help people. Then again be careful with this some people need a different kind of help than therapy. My third recommendation is not exactly recommended as a response people will often tell, although sometimes people just want people to let them work things out themselves. Act normal although show signs of care and see if you can motivate him to do better without being direct or letting him know. If he calls you out though it can be bad, although sometimes people need to figure things out themselves and anyone with them are just needed to help him find out what that is while he's on his way.
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Honey, yes, you should definitely stay home ! You know he is unstable, prone to violence, and you already believe he is capable of harming someone else. He is also probably an alcoholic, by the broadest definition of "any time it causes a problem", at the very least.
He has anger issues, and what you call "numerous mental disorders". Your question should not be whether to go to a party and drink,(which isn't a good idea given that he'll be there and what you['ve foreseen!), that's microscopic compared with the much larger question: why are you still with him? !
He is troubled, potentially violent, suicidally depressed and I heard nothing about him either seeking or being in some form of therapy, which is sorely needed.
Your best bet would be to distance yourself even further from your long distance boyfriend, and make it permanent. You cannot help him, other than to encourage him to seek professional help, including a suicide prevention hotline, (1 800 273-1255, which is available 24/7 and free.)
I can foresee nothing good for you about staying in this relationship. But if you do decide to continue, then I would also have to ask what issues you , yourself, may have, that prevent you from "coming in out of the rain". And please, just saying "But I love him!" doesn't cut the mustard.
This is a situation in which my best advice will be to make your own present and future well being your topmost priority, and it won't be the case, as long as you stay with him.
Lastly, if you are worried that he'll kill himself if you break up with him, as people sometimes threaten, do not accept any responsibility for his choices. You can neither cause nor prevent someone from destroying themself, it is their choice alone.
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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If he is a minor, his parents need to know so they can get him help. If he's an adult, he will need intervention from a professional but its hard to get a sick person to acknowledge they need help. My first husband had mental issues and even told a retired counselor friend that he was okay and I was the problem. It's probably a good thing he is long distance because that guy is very troubled and likely toxic to a relationship and not good Boy friend material at all.
So you say you want to stay home in case something happens to him. Think about what you can realistically do if he needs help. Are you going to fly out to where he is to help? Over text and such, all you can do is offer encouraging words. Do you even have phone numbers of his family so you can call them in case he calls you. What if he calls to say he did kill a person? What can you do to undo that, give life back to the person killed. You can't do that any more than you can have some positive effect on him causing him to seek out professional help. I will pray and suggest you do too. People who are depressed will not get better without professional help. A person needs to hit bottom before they will be open to help. All you know is what he has said to you, so what you have to share with lets say police, may not help. You'd need to give him name and phone number to suicide prevention and see if they will call him. Those who don't want to kill themselves when in this state will often kill an innocent person. Or he may pick a fight but never leave it, ending up dead himself depending on who he picked on. I believe there are things that need to occur to get him help and I would highly recommend you checking into what is and isn't a toxic relationship. If you find yourself preferring a person with all these problems, it may be an indicator that you are a person who is simply born with a compelling want to help others, serve others, make others lives a little better. That's a real thing. Knowing where and when you can help is a good thing but there are limits to what one can do to help and that depends on the openness of the other person to help. One who is hell-bent on pursuing the kind of life he does, drinking til smashed and being violent, wanting to kill, is not in the frame of mind to want any help. If anything, call your local police and ask them what you can do to help prevent a tragedy of his getting out of control. Usually, there is nothing. They only come out to arrest and mop up after the fact. There isn't enough man power to monitor and watch a person who might commit a crime. When my car was stolen and taken for a joy ride by a group of kids one night, it was discovered many miles away, totalled. When I got to see my car, it was full of cigarette cartons and a bible with name and phone number in it. So apparently a group of kids stole it right after going to church, maybe a youth group. Told police I had something for them to follow up on but they said, no they did not have enough manpower to go after the one whose bible was left in the car. So he will have to kill and end up in jail maybe before he realizes he needs and also wants help.
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