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I feel like my light went out, and I am filled with horrible feelings
I am a 24 year old female. I feel stuck in life, my boyfriend has a house with his mother, and one day when we sell the house (5 year plan) his mother will probably have to live with us. He bought a truck in January without my knowledge or discussion and that hurt my feelings and I was outraged. I know the love and affection doesn’t live on forever but lately it’s almost non existent. Sure, he’ll love on me when he wants to be intimate but then far and few in between. Lately, I’ve been angry, upset, and resentful (introvertly), and towards him I’ve just been like Eeyore. Several small things have added up to make me just constantly annoyed with him. And in truth, it all started when the truck came home, and weeks later his best friends girlfriend drove the truck and I saw red, I was infuriated with him, because we went to get dog food once and I went to open the door for him to put the food in the truck and he snarled at me that I wasn’t driving the truck, when all I was doing was opening the door for him rock drop the food. I have so much anger towards him, and I’m not sure if his affection is gone because of my mood swings, or if my mood swings are because he isn’t affectionate and I feel like he enjoys everyone except for me. I feel like my light went out, and I am filled with horrible feelings, I just want my bubbly self to be back, but I’m buried underneath hurt, anger, and annoyance, and also this feeling of being stuck in life.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Someone said its good to talk things out and let your side be heard. I tried that first with an ex husband who never thought he could do any wrong, and wouldn't go to a mental health Dr which even a retired psychologist friend suggested he do or loose me. Well, He told a friend he'd go only to fool me so I stay but there's nothing wrong with him. So I left. What I am saying is that talking only helps if the other person is open to listen, not dump blame and realize they may need to change and be willing to do so. My ex was none of that. Life isn't over dear, in fact you're at the perfect age where you're mature and old enough to realize some important things and you have noticed that he just doesn't seem to act loving and the only thing close to it is when he wants sex. Doesn't sound like love to me. Lust, yes.
Or maybe he did once but humans tend to not like change for the better and so it is very unlikely that what he ever felt for you was true love, I mean an unconditional love where you are loved simply for being you, not having to do certain things to prove it to him or because he demands it of you. SO My guess is that he was never really in love with you.
About feeling like the light went out for you, it is very possible to feel that. I will share what I learned about how a guy treats his gf or wife and how it relates to both being happy or not. It was told to me using band and bank accounts and money to make the point comparing the two so I shall also.
Everyone has a bank account in their heart where it matters that your partner does the kind of things you find loving as those are deposits into your bank account. So how you are treated is very big. There may be love in your account. But withdrawals are made in many ways by your partner. Perhaps he's done nothing special for you but complains you didn't do enough for his birthday. You still have love in your bank account so you apologize and do something special. Many other such situations requiring you love the person to act, even if its kisses and cuddles. The problem is, a mate who is constantly making withdrawals and not doing things on a daily basis to beef up your account, run the danger of the woman someday finding that place in her heart has run dry of love and there is no chance of more being put in. I had such a buildup of stuff, the love going only one way. By time we attending our oldest's wedding, he wanted to look normal to all the family there and came up beside me to put an arm around, hug or nuzzle me but by then, I had long ago run out of any love and was planning to leave him as soon as the youngest finished HS. I found myself pulling away and avoiding him. It actually felt cheap, false and gross to be touched by a man who had never been in love with me. He actually answered the psychologist saying just that, and that he'd only loved me for being the mother of his kids. Nope, he didn't treat me well as a mother either and should have been with his wife before kids came along. I can't imagine any woman who wants a man who will love her finding he doesn't love her yet because they haven't had a child yet. It wasn't til I reread diaries I filled as a teen and read of who I was back then that I realized how much I had changed 'to try to be right for him or gain his love' and how I'd lost who I was. So its also normal for you to feel you've lost your bubbly self.
Now the hard part. I heard in answer to prayer that I was part of the problem, not in how I behaved but just in choosing to stay with him. I thought I loved myself 100% and God said yes I did love myself alot but not 100% because I chose to subject myself to the kind of treatment I was getting from him, verbal abuse being the biggest. The stress that caused was causing me to have health issues come up. I am not saying automatically leave him. It depends on how he responds. But then again, you may have enough to go on to.
Some women will kill a mans love as I read in advice for women from a males perspective. These women are ones who are never confident even with the guy reassuring them of his love, all the things he does out of love, not expecting back and yet the woman is still asking 'do you love me' over and over and that can kill a man's love. I thought about that because hey, the woman may be doing something too that hurts a relationship. If a woman kills a mans love that way, it dawned on me one day that its for the same reason I explained just with the sexes in reverse. Hear the man is loving but because of her struggling with doubt, she is too wrapped up in all that to show any love to the guy. And if you think about it, trust and love go hand in hand. Have you after all ever trusted a person you didn't like and who hated or treated you mean? I know I haven't.
So I will also mention trust. It takes a long time to build trust but only a moment to destroy it. HOw is it destroyed? The person you trusted because you know them well and knew what to expect is no longer consistent to how they used to be, the person they were that you knew well. Its like turning the key in the cars ignition, a car that has worked all along and all of a sudden, it won't start, nothing wrong with the parts, just decides to act strange or simply not start. You wouldn't trust that car to get you to a job interview on time the next day due to it working great one day and not the next. Everyone needs some kind of predictability in their lives, we don't realize how much we expect that but don't even think to apply it to a mate. He is not consistent. Have you changed that much. What do you really want in life? Usually with troubles like this, a married couple might go to couple counseling so an expert can decide what is going on with two people who are committed and willing to do whatever it takes to save a marriage. However when its dating and not marriage, that depth of commitment to each other is not there though people may argue it is. It is too easy to be together but live your life as a single person, because ones subconscience is saying, 'why buy the cow just to get the milk'. Some people don't even know they live their lives as if they believe that and just aren't aware. If asked why you love your partner, most would be stumped to give some good answers and not based on what they can afford to buy you but character things. I wouldn't have been able to give a positive word about why I loved my ex back when I still did, I only gave excuses for him because there was no reason for him to act that way, nothing from childhood, and I realized something was wrong but wasn't willing to look too close. I had to finally ask myself if I could handle another month of him acting like that. I told myself, yes I could but I wont enjoy it. Could I handle months, a year? I told myself, oh that would be hard, no change, the same thing he is now, but then I've handled it for years already. Then I kept adding time and when I asked myself if I could see myself with him in 10 years yet, I broke down crying, not able to reason his actions away. Actually it was something the psychologist said to me in private when I asked what hope there was for change. He said few people make major changes in life and our mental health is one of them. Some may change a little after a long time and it might not be enough for their mate or family and others may not change at all. So he asked if with those odds, I felt there was any hope for my marriage. (With no change at all, the same old mistreat, lack of love til the day I die, heck no) But over the upcoming days, I gave it the kind of thought that led to me being honest with myself and crying because I knew I'd only been tricking myself with unique ways of handling the situation. We weren't even a good match sexually. I am so much happier and found another husband, who is totally different, way better, unconditional love for me and I don't wait for someone to ask about my husband or why I love him, they will hear it most likely anyways because I have so many examples of what he does that is loving, how often he tells me and we never argue, don't get irritated with each other, but patient, understanding and forgiving. The boyfriends reaction on you reaching to get something out of his new truck, he wasn't even pretending to cover up and show he's in love with you. He lacks understanding and is not nature in his thinking. Instead of snarling, all he had to do is take his first thought, that you might want to drive it and ask, "Hey, what you doing hon? Did you want to get in and drive my car?" and he could have waited for whatever answer you gave to let you know he isn't comfortable with it yet. You are the girlfriend, not the wife. and its few who do Commitment with a girl friend as well as a wife. Having a girl friend is more for those wanting a social partner only or to learn first what it is you like and dislike about the opposite sex so you can make a list of those things, keep updating it over time as you experience dating different people but each new one ending up better than the last one with what you learned. That truck bought without discussing it with you is an example of it. Even if the woman is a stay at home mom and doesn't earn a cent, in a marriage, the incomes are pooled together and bills and purchases carefully researched and plotted out before making a purchase. He didn't care to tell you because in his mind, he has not made a commitment to you. This also means that the next odd thing that comes up that you want, you have to be willling to discuss and a partner who loves you will do any creative budgeting to work out that you get it because they love you so much. I can give a real life experience. Attending HS reunions isn't cheap these days. For my third reunion when I was 47, my husband put his foot down and said I couldn't go as we didn't have the money. Now lets go forward 10 years. When I found the info on my reunion when I was 57 and told the new husband, we had way less income than with last husband. However he said I could go. He just begged me to not make me go with him as he wouldn't know anyone and he would be bored. But the celebration was two parts, a Friday we take over a bar and have the informal meet up there and Sat. with a catered dinner at a country club. We have the one vehicle and instead of dropping me off and coming back later, he parked one block away and said he'd be there for whenever I was done, I didn't have to hurry, just take my time and enjoy myself and have the comfort knowing he's near for me to call in case some people got drunk and things out of hand and I wanted out of there. He kept himself busy playing games on his phone and reading while I was in there. Saturday he dropped me off and came back as it was a safer environment and he felt I'd be okay. That is a true life comparison of a man who didn't love me and one who loves. If you look close enough, I am sure you'll see things aren't right and he's likely not to change but a quick way to find out is to ask if he's willing to go to couple counseling with you. If he truly is, then its worth it to give him the chance to change. If he doesn't want to, then you already know without a willingness to change for the better, nothing will change except that it could get worse. So ask him and then make your decision. Unless you want to stay only because he co owns a house with his mom. But that is not guaranteed. If he doesn't want to marry you and is not treating you lovingly now, it won't happen later either. He could so easily tell himself, I've got the house and the car to impress a sexy young thing and go for affairs with 18 year olds whom he also has no intention of making a commitment to. It would seem, the only commitment might be a temporary will to share his things and once he's decided not to, you ain't gonna get nuthin honey.
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I feel like you should speak up on how you feel because your feelings matter and if he does not understand then that's completely wrong. You deserve to be heard, us females always tend to bash our emotions to please a significant other but it should not be that way, if you do not feel happy with his mom you let it e known! You should never e forced to do something you are not happy with, remember your feelings come first. Think about this big step and all the affects it will have. Think everything through and maybe you are loosing feelings and that's okay, it happens and in this scenario maybe it is what is best. Never break your own heart trying to fix someone elses, YOU COME FIRST, your happiness comes first, do what your heart desires.
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