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Cheating
My boyfriend of over a year just informed me that he cheated on me three times about six months ago. And my trust for him is just about gone, but I don’t know if I should go or stay. But he’s said he’s changed since then. I’m just not sure what to do??? - Female, 15.
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This is pretty simple. One time is a mistake. Three times is who he is - a cheater. I wouldn't believe anything he says. Three times? Six months ago? Who even knows. Right now you need to separate from him and work on why you think you deserve this kind of treatment. I've gone through the same thing and understand it's difficult but once you are on the outside looking in you'll wonder why you couldn't see it.
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It's a pattern. If someone does something three times in a row and knows it was wrong behavior odds are they're going to keep doing it. A lot of people say they will never do X,Y,Z again but fall back into it. He feels the guilt and remorse but is it genuine? There's no way of really knowing.
The thing is you do know what to do but don't like the idea of dropping someone you have an attachment with. That's understandable but if you stay you run the high risk that he's going to do it again and that it will be a cycle.
If your gut is telling you something on an endless loop inside your head you need to obey that. It's up to you to stay or go but you know deep down when something is unhealthy. If it were me I would move on especially if someone has done this multiple times. I wouldn't let him play you any further. There's better people out there for you.
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Since it is still soon enough, I can do an edit and add changes here. Next time, please do not share your thoughts where you grade my response as I can't answer from there. If after I share this next piece you want to say something go to browse columnists and look for Dragonflymagic and there youll find a button to send a message.
Never ever change the parts of you that make you who you are like your characteristics and personality. The only things that need changing are the things that all people need to be better humans like being more kind than critical, more giving like paying it forward, smiling more, being more generous, being patient, that sort of thing. These are things that make us human and should strive for. If you meet someone who doesn't have these qualities, maybe because of their age or they are immature, it is not wise to push a person who isn't ready to change. We can only change ourselves, not someone else. You can be a good example but it is still on the other person to see that and Want to change for the better.
Now we'll go over character faults. Some are borderline and may be considered a fault to one person but not to another. However the usual faults are most often not a one time, first time occurrence, and what you see on the surface goes much deeper in a person. Moat teens, especially boys are not wanting to hear all this and not ready to since the greater majority of all males want to experience sex for the first time after they start puberty. That is number one on their mind due to their age and they will lie, force, say what they think a teen girl wants to hear so they can get what they want. Even the words I love you, or prove you love me are quickly learned by guys because they realize that due to females emotional make up, they almost always fall for it. I did too at your age and a bit older. I learned that a good trait witnessed by me not just once but consistently is what to look for in the beginning. Also to not be swayed by words but by a guys actions. If you see a bad trait, watch the guy to see if eventually it happens again. You are young yet and need to learn this...it is crucial hon to finding a real good boyfriend and eventually husband someday.
I had the experience of a man who lost his temper, would criticize me, tear me down, yell, etc so on one of my dates after my divorce, I went on 2 dates where we both drove at hung out at public sites and all was okay until he invited me to dinner at his house. People at first tend to be on best behavior hiding all their shortcomings so when they feel you have fallen for them or like them enough to see them again as the case was here, they let down the mask or pretense and are themselves. When I walked in the first words he spoke where “Please excuse the terrible mess in my house, my (racial slurs) maid is responsible and I will have to fire her.” This was spoken in a raised somewhat angry voice, his home was absolutely spotless too. So what this told me is that not only is he anal and a perfectionist, but a racist and very critical and it would be just a matter of time before he turned hate ful words towards me and verbally abused me as he just did his maid. I went through with the dinner but after I went home, I never called him back and when he called, told him that I just wasn't feeling chemistry with him. Men seem to understand that for an explanation, and though a lie, I feel its okay since I once had a guy react badly to the truth, he lied about being a heavy smoker and I am allergic so when I told him why I wouldn't see him, he left several hateful phone messages. People who know they have a fault and don't want to change, do not want to hear it from a potential date and can become very angry and who knows how far that could go, hitting?
Yes, there will be mistakes a teen does as far as the do”s and don”ts of how to relate to another but once they learn what they did wrong and change, then there shouldn't be a problem. And its this stuff w e should learn to forgive another for. Kissing two different girls was not an unintentional mistake. Once, well maybe, losing control in the moment. But he did it again and then he went a step further with a gal whom he was able to convince to have sex with him. Some times a guys wants to experiences sex o raunchy or forbidden sex on the side but when it comes to whom they want for a girl friend or wife, they do not want the loose girl who has sex with anyone, but the kind of female they can feel proud to be seen with, take home to meet the parents, but behind the bedroom door, she is a tiger, compatible with him, wanting to please him as much as he pleases her, be wild, unpredictable, but only with him. Young boys try to get both, the sluttish one and the lover but not with one person, in many as your guy has done. So he doesn't know how to commit and if no promises were made in the beginning a guy will feel he hasn't really broken any promise. Asking a girl to be his girlfriend is something a female thinks means he will only be with her, commit to her for as long as they date remaining monogamous with her until it ends and one goes to the next relationship. This is called serial monogamy and females seem okay with this and assume a guy wants this. A guy asking a girl to date him, may not even have any feelings for her. It is not important to have feelings, like her, j ust the novelty of being able to say he has a girlfriend is enough reason to ask a girl to date him.
He is not making a commitment to be only with her and never with another girl, not unless she asks him to and he is very willing and loves her and makes that promise. Girls need to take control, not wait to be asked to date, find a guy whose inward qualities you like, ask him out and if a guy is interested in you and wants to date, then you tell him you need to discuss somethings before you agree to date if he is on the same page as you and will agree first to what you say. Then you list what you will not tolerate.I would suggest that one of these is you ask for a commitment to only be with you, no other girls. But its wise to give him an out and say that if anything changes for him, he doesn't feel the same or wants to be with another girl, that he bring it up with you, not hide it lie and do behind your back. You value honesty and openess and expect that from him. Use your own words but if you make sure to state the boundaries, before you even date, a guy can't later say there were no such rules.
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