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This is so embarrassing to admit...
I'm 14. I was released from juvie a few months back. While I was in there, one of the older guys forced me to have sex with him. I don't know if I can tell anyone. It's so fucking embarrassing to admit that someone made me his bitch. I'm also scared that no one will believe me or if they do that they'll say that's what happens when you go to jail. So now I don't know what to fucking do.
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Get psychiatric help. Report the offender to the appropriate authorities. Don't put it off any longer.
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You will have to find a way to get over your embarassment because that was a traumatic experience and keeping quiet will not make it go away. Like getting a cut or scrape and not cleaning it out and applying a healing ointment, just slapping on a bandage, in your case, a bandage of silence, such a cut or scrape will only become infected, the poison festering and the whole area spreading poison to surrounding tissue.
People with traumatic experiences of any kind, not just soldiers, can start having PTSD. If not quite that, you are affected in other ways. Just the memories of it, are poison enough to affect your life. I can't say for sure what areas will be affected but one can be having a normal sex life, YOu could develop fears of being intimate with someone in that way, or worse, even though you know its wrong, you start abusing someone else in sex. There are statistics that abused children grow up to abuse their own children someday themselves. It twists and warps your mind in ways you don't even suspect until facing a cerain situation, especially if it happens while you are younger, like say before age 25, before the time your brain is fully done growing.
By the way, the pre frontal lobe is often the reason people make bad decisions and judgement errors and get into trouble when they are young, it is due to this part of the brain not being fully mature yet so that can explain why you were doing something that landed you in juvie. I can see how you wouldnt want to discuss this with a Mom. But you could talk to Dad. Parents are still responsible for you and the best at doing whatever must be done to help correct what has happened. If theres no Dad or you're adopted or your parents are on drugs or in jail themselves, of course you can't rely on help from them. I would suggest talking to a school counselor and letting them know you want to see a psychologist but to have one that really helps you to deal with the experience and learn ways to overcome it, you don't want a Dr. who is not trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. If I were you, I'd insist on it. There are many of them today but the majority still hand out meds, which is not helaling the person emotionally but slapping on a bandage so it continues to fester.
Yes, there are some very twisted bad people in jail so if such a thing were to happen to a person, its more likely to happen there than anywhere else. It doesn't mean you should have to forget about it and just believe that you deserved this because you went to juvie. You did not deserve this. Love and understanding is what will help most people in your shoes to move through it, get healing and end up having a happy productive life, no matter what your past. Don't allow the emotional wounds to fester because you will only display worse problems and its possible to have mental problems not mental illness, crop up because you never dealt with your issue in the proper way. It's more embarrassing to you because of your age. All people in teens or early twenties tend to get easily embarrassed aboout sex or personal issues when there really shouldn't be. I once could not even speak the word 'sex' or write it without stumbling over the word or simply refusing to say it. In time, a healthy person gets over it and is not embarrassed by such things. In your case, I can't say if you will ever come to that spot of not being embarrassed in the future. You may feel like this the rest of your life. People who refuse to get help but still have to live with the trauma 24/7, month after month, year after year, also tend to be candidates for being so miserable they end their life. that is no reason to do so when there is another path.
Frankly, the Juvie Hall that had you, needs to know who did this to you, come up with better monitoring of minors in their care, and the one who did this to you, slapped with another sentence for attacking you.
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