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Heading down a dark road in my life.
So it all starts with the ADHD I had when I was a kid, and how I grew up with it I guess. I had not the best childhood as my mom abused me and left me. I was bullied at this time and still have traumas.
I'm now 20 and it was only this year I was diagnosed with social Anxiety and a Cluster B personality Disorder, likely BPD.
I have a history of cutting myself and only this year I picked it up again. I can't move forward in life, I just can't. I have burns and cuts on my arms currently. I went to the ED (Emergency department) three times so far this year, and this was on my own accord. The first time I visited ED I felt normal, or what I perceive as normal. After being assessed I walked out. Second time was an interesting one, after getting off the train I had the urge to just buy a knife at the shops and stab my hand just so I can have a reason to go to the hospital. I stabbed myself decently just as planned in toilets, I would have liked to go deeper though. Got there and told them I stabbed myself. After getting cared for and being questioned by the psychology team, I felt a little crazy and wanted to make a scene cause why not? I actually did have a head ache and unfamiliarization tho :/ The nurse got worried and called for the psychology team again, this time the Psychiatrist. She put me on meds said I couldn't leave. The third time was a few days after cutting my hand rather deep and letting the blood drip on the pathway cause idk. I stopped going to my psychiatrist cause I don't trust him and think he's no good for me. He doesn't understand me at all. I'm now off Quetiapine and Escitalopram. I hate them. Recently I cut almost all remaining friends and acquaintances. Started drinking. I'm isolating myself. Not sleeping enough. Went to the GP today and he prescribed me with some other anxiety meds... whatever, he doesn't understand me either.
Anyway I feel like i'm heading towards a even darker place and don't know what my next action will be. I need advice. Help?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You're using self-mutilation to cover up the pain that's already inside you from your childhood. Next time you feel like cutting remember the scar that it will cause and how in the future people are going to ask you including your children what happened right there. Trust me they're going to ask. I would find another coping skill for when you're feeling angry or sad over things. Like putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it 10 times get your attention off of the pain that you're feeling inside of you. Eventually your past will start to fade away from you you're only twenty. Maybe try taking a class edit your adult education center or Community College. Not a class to get the credits but a class that you'll learn something from like a psychology class for a philosophy class. I know what you've been through. It does get better. Good luck
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Dragonflymagic pretty much said everything I was going to say. I just want to reiterate that a psychologist CAN help you but the relationship of psychologist and patient is one of trust. If you don't trust them then they will not be able to help you because you will not want to open up to them. You have to be able to feel comfortable with them and if you don't - switch to a different one. Ask to be referred to a different psychologist but don't give up on them because they can help you. Whatever you are going through you don't need to be dealing with it alone and since pushing everyone away this is what you are doing. On the plus side you are reaching out for help by posting here and asking for help - this is a good sign.
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NO one here is a professional. We are just your average students, homemakers, elderly, who share from our own experiences, those of people we know. I am sure you know that already, but I had to share. You have a lot of traumatic history that will have affected your mind. ADHD in itself is not something that can mess up a person mentally. However, lack of love, abuse and abandonment can scar a person mentally and besides, the loving input a child needs for their brain to development normally, was not there for you. I am sure there is still hope but it may be a long road of work with the right Dr.
I can only guess as I have never been in your spot. But I do know that the class clowns in school were kids acting up to get attention. If the attention they got because they were disruptive was negative, well they saw it as good because compared to no attention at all, it was better than nothing. My guess is that you have been doing the self harm and ER thing for a reason close to, similar or the same, to finally have some attention focused on you. This is only emergency help and not the thing that you as a person needs.
If I can get you to believe just one thing for me, it is that until your mind gets better and you can see for yourself that something is working or not, that you are going to have to stick with something for a while to see if in the long run it will help you to get to the point of having a normal life like the rest of us. There is not going to be any quick answers or remedies. So if you are not just looking for attention and really want to work on getting better, then you will need the right kind of psychologist. Since you have the past trauma and think there may be something else like BPD, believe the best thing to find is a Psychologist who specializes in CBD which is Cognitive Behavioral disorder. This simply means that what we say and do are basically guided by our thoughts and if those thoughts are not normal for whatever reason, we will have problems that can range from fears, anxities, depression, phobias, self harm, to mental disorders like bi polar, OCD, BDD and more. What we experience daily is also observed by our Subconcious Mind (SM). The SM works strangly, more like the thinking of a child. It wants to do whatever it can to help you, so what you focus your thoughts on the most, it will assume is most important to you, that you really want it, or more of the same so it will work with you to bring even more of the thoughts you are having and the emotions to go along with it. So if the thoughts are negative ones, it is hard for anyone to break out of that cycle. I am not just talking for fun here to sound like I know something dear, I actually used to have a severe social anxiety, but no more! I know it doesn't compare to what you are suffering but there are ways to deal with and slowly heal anything, even what is going on for you. The issue is getting you in touch with the right people with the experience to do so.
So I would like to point you towards a website that jusst might set you on the right course, a Psychologist turned author and trainer of other Drs wanting to learn his CBT and TEAM methods to helping people instead of doling out medications as he used to do. Medications only help a small amount of the population on meds. The majority can all be helped by the right kind of treatment which involves working with changing how you think. But it takes time, move at a pace you can deal with, and yes, there is fear, I felt it often. But as I learned, its not a leap of faith that gets a person to try something new as I am asking you to do, it is actually a leap of fear. I had my own fear, you will have your own set based on your past, but I was desperate to get better and knew I would not be able to operate in a adult life until I dealt with it in my early 20's. So I found it really involved following the things that the Dr./author recommends to over my issue. The fear was there, with each step I started, but I pushed my way through. It wasn't until the end of a step when the worst I thought of never happened that I gained faith, but only enough to know I could do it to that point. Then came the next step toward healing and it was scarier than the first and I felt fear again and yes, with each step but at the end of all those steps, I no longer had fear. I love and enjoy life now and am so glad I trusted long enough to start the process toward healing.
Here is the website: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) I recommend starting the tab labeled 'Obie' which is his rescued 'originally feral' cat. He was patient, understanding why the cat did not trust easily, but it came back for food and a box to sleep in besides like humans, we all have a need to be loved, nurtured, encouraged, supported and our needs taken care of. If you can see yourself in this cat, then know also that like the Dr and his wife, there are people out there who are that kind and patient to help you. Heck, if they would do this for a cat, there are also many trained by him who are as great as him, who may be available to help you, either locally or via phone.
So I now direct you to the referral website
And for referrals, try: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You can contact and ask if there are any referrals they have for your area. If they do not, then your next best choice is to work with one of them. They list the first 15 minutes are free. I haven't used them so I have no idea what the costs are but you need to speak with a live person, either on phone or in person. If by phone, or even if in person and you don't have insurance, it's worth a try to find out what the costs are and then start up a Go Fund Me site where people can donate to help you and list the feeling good institute web address so people can see it's a real thing you are going after. Other than that, he's written books but I wouldn't know what is the best, perhaps you can ask that. There is so much to the original website I gave you that I could spend all day and a few more days reading everything on there, podcasts, questioned asked where the Dr. answers.
I know you did not ask for this next piece directly but a person in your situation will have an overbearing feeling all the time that they are of no worth, unloveable, less than perfect, and so on. I know people personally like this. The following is a piece from a sermon given by a pastor decades ago when I used to attend a church. The story stuck with me as an important bit of truth to remember for myself and also to share with others. Since it addresses whether a person should expect no matter what, they are precious and valueable and deserve to be loved and wanted I want you to read it. I am paraphrasing what I remember. Imagine a pair of parents of a new born. That newborn has nothing to give them, do for them, any way to 'earn love' because it is, well . . . . just a baby. It is helpless and must depend on the parents to care for them. (we are speaking of normal average parents, not the kind you had) The parents love their child from the moment it is born. The child doesn't have to do anything to earn that love. That love is something freely given, unconditional and it was here it was compared to Gods love for us. In case your thoughts are why would God let this all happen to me? I believe every soul has its particular thing to learn in the current life, hardships that could help the person grow through them and become stronger for it, like diamonds that only are formed under tremendous pressure in the earth. People have a need to experience such pressure. Mine pressures came in the form of my fist husband. Though a church goer, he was verbally abusive the entire marriage. The stress didn't mess with my mind but in medical conditions in my body that came from the stress. I was married 30 years before I had the guts to leave. So I do know a lirtle something about not being ready for help and how it really was up to me to make the right moves when I was ready. I should have been loved as a wife unconditionally but that was not the case. It is now. I even went for counseling after leaving him as it was needed. I subconsciously acted in certain way and said things that were part of coping mechanisms but not something healthy for continueing on to a normal life. I aced that and went on to find and marry my second husband. Having gone through the horrible things I did just in my first marriage, I can relate enough to what is going on and what needs to happen. I am probably too far away to be a friendly chat but you can write to me directly by looking for columnists, and finding me, dragonfymagic to write to. My chatting with you will not help you get better though.
I will share some quotes I created from my own experiences.
“As with an Antique, the ravages of life upon an individual create a more precious thing in the end, giving one more character and charm, gaining the status of being precious for simply still being.”
“Since we create that which we focus on, miracles will only begin to happen when you refocus your mental energy from your fears to your dreams.”
“If you live on this planet, it is inevitable you will run into hardships, crisis, personal attack, and disasters; that is a given. What is to be determined is whether you simply survive it or overcome it. A survivor is still alive but due to what they've experienced, has stopped living. An over-comer finds ways to deal with and heal from their hurt, pain, disappointment, devastation, confusion and temporary lack of new direction and continues on with life.”
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