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Too many female friends and trust issues
Last year I got out of a super narcissistically abusive relationship, It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I told myself I wouldn’t date for a while. During my healing process I met someone else who’s been super good to me. I opened up about my past traumas and he was beyond understanding and patient with me, he made It clear that he liked me, but I told him I wanted to take It slow and get to know him more before we got into a relationship. He was understanding and still took me on nice get aways, showed up on my doorstep with flowers and cute notes, took me on cute dates, and complimented tf outta me. He did everything my ex didn’t do. Finally after a while, I agreed to be his girlfriend everything has been great except for the fact that he has a TON of female friends, all of them are very attractive and he talks to them on a daily basis. My feelings are starting to progress for him and I can’t help but be uncomfortable with it. Some of these friends are in relationships, others are single, a lot of them are bartenders that he met when he was single. I’ve met a vast majority of his female friends, but some of them give me a vibe that they wouldn’t care if he’s in a relationship. Everytime I get on Instagram he’s liking other women’s photos. I’ve cried to him about how uncomfortable this makes me, he tells me he understands and i have nothing to worry about. He even deleted his Instagram app, but downloaded It again 4 days later and is back to liking every girls photo again. I have been cheated on in my past and I can’t help but feel like it’s gonna happen again. Besides him being super friendly with other women he’s perfect to me and I’m confused about It. I’m trying to convince myself that these women really are just friends, but my gut is telling me otherwise especially when these women talk to him as much as I do. Everytime we go out to eat he’s requesting female waiters that he knows to serve us, literally every restaurant we go to it’s like this. My family has met him and they’re in love with him every time I talk to them about this they tell me “I don’t think he’s gonna cheat on you” but I can’t help but have my guard up. I care about him so much and i don’t want to lose him I’m just at a loss at what to do, I’ve already talked about It and I feel crazy every time I do. Am I just being insecure? Am I letting what I have been through in my past control me too much? Should I be okay with all these female friends or is this feeling of jealousy normal? Can a straight man really be JUST friends with that many females and not want more? HELP
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Indeed your past is affecting you. My ex husband was verbally abusive and not even loving and understanding etc. So when I divorced, like you, I had two choices, to let my past experience scare me off any new relationship because I don't trust myself to see the warning signs early on, the first couple dates, or months, OR...I could really give it some thought, and figure out what warning signs I had but ignored and look for those in a new guy and also decide exactly what I want in a new partner, with lists I wrote and kept for myself to keep reminding myself what I was looking for, the criteria that I specifically needed. I was extremely picky and I want you to know that in the case of a life partner, it is okay to be picky.
Your guy sounds very mature and understanding. In having lots of friends of the opposite sex, He sounds like my second husband and like myself. I will explain. Starting with me, although I had just female friends in HS, once I grew a bit more self assured and found I made friends more easily and enjoyed more talking to males. After church service, I got tired of the birthing stories or details of latest chick flicks and instead found I was happier having conversation with all their husbands. After my divorce, I decided to be smart, learn from my mistakes, after all, I got to see some of the worst traits a BF or husband could have and after many years of witnessing them, I know I could pick out the early warning signs. I'll get to that in a bit.
Now as for my second husband, some of the very things that I adore about him are part of who he is. He is not going to be selective and treat only me this way but all females, sister, Mom, (though she's passed on now) and sisters of his boyhood friends, and females in our lives now as whomever we meet, neighbors, store clerks, you name it. The only place where how he treats females is not transferred, is who it is he wants to make love with. He is perfectly content with me, ecstatic in fact and last night, he was thanking me all over again for choosing him and loving him and putting up with any quirks he has (everyone has some) This one compliments me and other females like there is no tomorrow although I do indeed get the majority of it and as you put it, compliments TF out of me.
Realie that this is how he is, a part of his personality and that you really can't pick it apart and take what you are comfortable with and toss the stuff that makes you uncomfortable due to past experiences.
If you continue to doubt him and believe that he might cheat on you, a man told me that even if a guy is doing everything right, giving his lady the top priority and as much attention as she needs, does special things for her, and still looks at her with desire and wanting to peek down her shirt, no matter how much time has passed, a lady who doubts all those good points which are what a good man is, will kill the relationship by never coming to a point of trusting. Trust takes time but you can gain trust of him by comparing what and who he says he is to how consistent he is in those things. For example, my ex called me names and yelled and directed his temper at me, so I knew I wanted a patient man who would never do those things. Did I doubt him right at the beginning when it seemed he was too good to be true? No. But I was wisely watching to see if he remembered all the things he knew I would not tolerate from him. There was only one time he did something, it wasn't bad, just that I didn't like PDA's beyond a certain point and it upset me. When I cried as I tried to tell him what was bothering me, and I couldn't hold it against him as this was one thing I hadn't thought to tell me before hand, he first felt horrible and really concerned to think he was the one who put tears on my face. I explained and he has never once repeated that action, ever. If I told a guy what I expected, and the first sign I saw of something that was the same early warning I got with my ex, I dropped the guy I was checking out or dating. It just so happens I have the perfect example of before I met my husband. I went on 3 dates, meeting a guy in public. Everything was going great so when he said he wanted to cook a dinner for me and invited me to his home for the first time, I went. You can learn things from ones home better than in public as there are things that can be hidden at home. I walk in and he immediately apologized for him house looking a disaster. The place was spotless and yet he thought it was messy?! That alone scared me as it sounded like a perfectionist. The ex was somewhat like this, not on himself but expecting something from others and no matter how closely you followed what he wanted, he always told you that it was done wrong. So seeing this already worried me. The next words out of his mouth sealed it for me, I was dropping him because he raised his voice and complained about his maid, a hispanic woman he said and called her all sort of racial slurs. So here was the warning that nothing could satisfy him, that he goes around easily complaining and back stabbing people who haven't even done anything worthy of that treatment. And that was the warning that although he wasn't directing the hateful words at me, it would just be a matter of time. Whatever behavior you see in a person, is not a one time thing that never repeats, it is like a vase with a crack and the old smelly yucky water inside is just waiting for a chance to come out so the few drops you see of smelly water leaking out a crack in the vase, like a crack or chink in the suit of armor your prince is wearing, you can expect there will always be more where that came from. Since I didn't have to deal with him, not married or even dating exclusively, I stayed and ate dinner and after said I had a migraine and had to go home. A few days later he called and knowing he had a temper and could be vindictive, I simply told him that I had given it a good try but I simply still never felt real chemistry with him. Using the word chemistry works well for an excuse.
So now you see how I used what I had learned and instead of fearing it happening again, I watched and when I saw it, dropped the guy and went on to meet others. I had 3 or 4 guys who turned out to be bad news. The rest, I didn't feel chemistry with once I met or they didn't feel it with me.
My husband is from a southern state and he is used to calling every female M'am or my Lady. But don't just trust a man because he is saying the right thing. Does he consistently say and do the right things or does he eventually get angry, mean, etc. blowup and then cool off again and go back to pretending he is something he isn't. All people put their best foot forwared when trying to impress someone they meet. We all watch ourselves but many will take on a persona that isn't really them. However this doesn't last forever, so after several meetings or up to a couple months, they run out of the personal energy to keep it up. And especially if they feel you are already hooked, and your heart invested, they will then let down the false facade and allow their bad points to begin to show as in how one guy did that with me on 4th date. there was nothing bad to see on the first three. Some hold out longer but the more often you see them, the faster they will get to their breaking point and mess up.
So this isn't about your BF but about you not trusting and feeling jealous that he likes pics of female friends on social media, or in phone calls. Jealousy boils down to being a fear of loss, wether rational or not. You could fear being let go since the employer is struggling and has to cut down workforce, you can fear the one you are into, not even if they are dating you or even married to you, but females have feared possibly losing their chance with a guy they are crushing on but have never approached, and have this fear because other females who are not as shy are actively trying to interest the guy. that is what jealousy is.
So yes, you feel jealous.
Now it also depends a lot on the situation. If his idea of having a fun time is going to bars and getting drunk or even just drinking a good amount, then there is a problem because alcohol takes away inhibitions and makes a person willing to do something they would never dream of doing and that can be that they would never dream of cheating on their GF but if out with friends and drunk and some chick comes on to him, he just may crumble and do it, maybe remember, maybe not. If he doesnt tend to go drinking and is not into drugs that also alter your personality and convictions, then this is all a good sign. Adviceman told you he has looked but never touched another woman. My husband knew women before me including his ex wife. But since meeting me, theres been no one else. So yes, it is possible for a man to look at other women, and I know you didn't mention this in particular but it goes with the package. Men are visually stimulated and if hetero sexual, they will tend to look at any female who is a pleasant view, just as I would take time to gaze at a scenic vista or at the few men whose looks catch my eye. If a man is never looking at females, then he might be gay which isn't bad thing in itself but is if you are female and in a relationship. You say it goes beyond just looks, as in actively liking posts, and talking to some of his female friends. If you felt nothing for a guy who kept trying to get you to date him, would you encourage the guy by simply feeling bad and going out on one date? If your guy is not feeling any chemistry with these gals, it doesn't matter if any of them feel something in return, they will know that he is not turned on by them. Really, the only difference when it comes to friends, is just a friend is friendship only. A couple in relationship together have friendship plus something more, the desire, the sexual attraction. So if a female friend is having a difficult time and needs some positive input, she will call on the person who does it best for her, and if that female has mostly male friends or even an equal amount of male and female friends, she may want to hear some logic, which women can do but not many of them really get it. When I want logic, I would prefer talking to a male. A female neighbor had her clothesline laying across her back porch and on the ground when we walked over. He asked if she'd like help putting it back up. He sees a need and fills it because in truth, there are many females without a male they can turn to for help. However, no matter how much time is invested in talking to them, complimenting, building them up again, helping with something, as long as you are not getting enough attention and one on one with him then nothing is out of balance and you have nothing to worry about. You mentioned the bad relationship as last year. this makes me think you have met the new guy sometime since January. If so, it is a short enough time you may not have built up trust in him yet. So start looking for how consistent he is. With my husband, no matter what, even if as recently I did something that cost us money we don't have, etc... he never yells or belittles me, makes no demands, doesn't act superior. So right now, start watching your guy to see how consistent he is. If he is younger, there may simply be a few things he hasn't learned yet that are important in a relationship. It is a very good thing that you have talked to him. Its not so much that he has gone against you when with female friends on social sites, but that he knew deep down there was nothing for you to worry about, and he reassured you but was also not going to allow anyone, even his partner to dictate whom his friends are. He will not stop interacting as a friend with his friends, and if you won't change yourself if he is truly a good man, then over time, demanding he not talk to and drop his female friends, can be one thing that drives a wedge in your relationship. Too many of these, and he may realize he is making too many changes because of your suspicions due to your own past and want out of the relationship. Women have great intuition, let yours be just as reasonable and you will know when something is okay or when something is fishy. I wish you the best and if you need to chat about anything at all you are concerned about in particular, I'd be glad to hear from you.
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I believe your past relationship is playing a role in your thought process about him. Like you current BF I too had a lot of girl friends when I met my wife. I dated none of them as many where co-workers. When we married my wife said to me, "You can look at the menu but if you ever sample I will cut something of very importance off you" That was 48 years ago and while I have looked I have never sampled and the only bed I've shared is with my wife.
Not all men cheat and not all women take lovers. Most men and women do like to admire the other sex and have friend, close friends of the opposite sex. This does not mean they are not committed to the relationship they are in or that the would cheat on their partner.
My suggestion is to find a good psychologist and talk with them and bring some closer to your past relationship. Without talk therapy to finalize and move on you will always have your doubts about any relationship.
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