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Having trust issues, in my relationship.
I have met a person who has become a very important person in my life. From the beginning he's always asked me for honesty, and I have tried my best to give that to him. However when I open up it makes him question who I am and things I've said before because things "don't add up" or because I have kept a few things from him and later told him. We are now on good terms and are working on all our issues. Just today I was thinking about what we were talking about and what he was asking of me, and realized yet again I forgot to mention I have a class with someone I used to associate with, not an ex, not a hookup or a random fling, but a person I would text and would caught up with after a few years. I know I should tell him but I fear losing him, I also fear its too late and that I can't say anything now because it'll make it seem I was keeping it for a reason. But that is not the case on everything that I am there is nothing between us I do not speak to this person. What do I do? And how should I come about mentioning it?
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It’s not a healthy relationship to believe that someone who’s just a random friend would make someone jealous. You say he’s been making progress, along with you too, and if you trust that, go ahead and say it. Healthy romantic relationships allow people to make friends after all. You can’t really survive as the only two people in the world after all.
The thing is is that it’s impossible to say everything about you at once, and even if you do your best to say things as quickly as possible, you can’t mention everything. It’s not forgetting to mention something, it’s just that it takes time to mention some things and to get to know each out.
Trust doesn’t mean you have to share every detail of one’s past or life, but the essential things about you in the present. The past is gone. Know each other as you are now.
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If this guy values honesty and trust in a relationship, then it may be a matter of time before he decides to leave you.
Trust is something that takes time and something called 'consistancy' before you can really trust a person. After that period of time, you should be able to share anything and everything about your past. My 2nd husband and I will tell each other everything. I have heard stories of when he was young, how he met his ex, and other stories about their life together as far as making a point about something was concerned. He has heard everything about me too, the guy I was dating when I met him. The other guy and I knew we were just fun friends until we met the one we wanted to settle down with. He has heard of abuse at hands of my ex. And also how I left him, and many of the significant guys I dated, where I learned something. We both know there will be no jealousy. Jealousy is a fear of losing something, so you fear him becoming jealous and leaving you if you are honest.
So to be honest with you hon, A man I could Trust was a big thing for me. I didn't want to find out later after already dating that he was the jealous type. Not all men are. I just put all the info and stories out there. Most normal guys really don't care about a past boyfriend because they realize everyone has a past. If I were you, I would do the hard and embarrassing thing and admit to him that you haven't trusted him because you imagined he might get jealous any time you mention your past and have old boyfriends woven into the stories. You tell him you are coming clean with him now about your 'problem with trust' because you don't want him to think there were specific things you were trying to hide on purpose. Ask him if he can forgive you.
If he does, then the next step is giving yourself some time to learn by experience that he won't get jealous and this is when you start telling him everything and anything you would have been afraid to share before.
I don't know how long you have been together. If you met him weeks ago, then that is too soon to have a solid trust by watching how he consistently acts or reacts to hearing about guys in your past. the trust can be about sharing other stuff too.
When people meet, they are on their best behavior and want to impress the new person. so many will assume a false identity, presenting the other person with what we think they want or need. The thing about hiding the truth from someone, it cause more problems than telling the truth. For one thing, they might fall for what they assume is the real you but it isn't. So after some time when you think they have fallen for you, you start to show your real self. When they see that you are not at all the kind of person they thought you were, it destroys any love there was and they break up. I will share a story of mine, one my husband knows well as we traded our computer dating site horror stories with each other. I told men in my profile that I was allergic to cigarette smoke so I did not want to date a smoker because I did not want someone trying to quit just to be with me and resenting it all the way. Thats not a good way to start a relationship. Well, one guy wrote and sounded okay so I set up a first meet face to face at a coffee shop. It went well. We had a 2nd and 3rd date of just meeting somewhere, park, or where ever public. Then I was invited to a movie night. Got to his place and he asked me to go in his car to where video rentals are so I could help decide what I wanted to see. My car was parked at his house. From the moment I got in his car, it stunk real bad from stale cigarette smoke. I asked if he didn't mind my opening the window all the way. He didn't so I opened it and then said, "I need the fresh air because it smells awfully strong of cigarette smoking in here. I thought you said you did not smoke?" His answer, 'I don't smoke. My son borrows the car alot and he is a smoker.' I had no reason to disbelieve him so the night proceeded. He thought because it was a 4th date that he had me hooked on him. Also, people can not keep up a false hood or false personality for long as it takes so much personal energy to uphold that and keep the info correct. I know you already know how hard it is to remember what you have and haven't told him and exactly what you said.
So . . .later that evening, the guy was so comfortable with me that he let down his guard, not meaning to, but as I explained, its a natural thing we do when we get comfortable. And he reached inside a pocket and pulled out cigarettes to put one in his mouth and I pounced on him immediately. "I thought you said you did not smoke? Looks like you do." He could hear how upset I was. He had lied and he was hoping I'd put up with it and settle for less because of having feelings for him. I don't let my feeling be the leading cause for my choosing a partner. Did that with first husband and that ended badly. I told him that I didn't feel this would work out and
left. For the next couple days he left hateful voice mails on my phone.
Using him as an example, and I know it was 4 dates, lets say it was 4 weeks. In all that time, if he never smoked, I would be growing a trust for him that he is telling the truth and only his son does. I have no idea how he expected to hide it from me once we became a couple. The first time a guy slips up and shows something you don't like, if you never told him before or it never came up before, then you let him know how much it bothers you. Did this with my husband. When he realized how much a simple thing he did made me upset, he was so upset himself to see me distraught and promised never to do it again. We are together 9 years and he did this in the first year. But he has never, even once ever repeated that action. However if I had thought to imagine that situation might come up and told him at the first meet up along with all the rest of my criteria for a mate, then if he did it, knowing it was taboo on my list, that is an inconsistency. It may not seem fair to not give a guy a chance when he first does something he knows is a no no. But I have learned over time, that seeing just the first time something bad in his character or personality, did not mean it was a mistake. No, it was a choice when he didn't care enough about my feelings. He had another agenda, his own where he thinks of himself first. This happened with several guys who sounded nice at first couple dates. One I thought was really going to work out, invited me to a dinner he cooked at his home. When I arrived, this day, he let down his guard or maybe it was because he was at home he felt secure and he became his real self which resembled my verbally abusive ex, very much. No, he didn't direct it at me, it was hateful stuff and racial slurs against a maid he said he had and how she did a terrible job with his place so he was asking me to excuse the mess. what mess? I thought? The place was spotless and organized and neat. I knew by now that where I see one bad thing, there is more laying hidden beneath the surface. And from first marriage, I knew it would be a short time before he focused his hateful and abusive words at me and would be totally inable to keep happy due to hid perfectionistic views that were totally out of kilter. So, learning from the smoker who blew up at me, I ate dinner and went home and never called him back. After a week he called and I told him i had given it a really good try, seeing him all those times but I just didn't feel any chemistry. This he understood and he didn't get mad at me. I didn't tell the truth only in that circumstance because I was not in a relationship with him and was attempting to protect myself from backlash of having a guy like this start stalking me, or being vindictive somehow. I don't care if he thought I thought he was an okay guy, as long as I wasn't in a relationship with him.
Are you getting a picture of what inconsistencies look like? I hope so because you need to be looking for them if this is a new relationship. Most people get together over a physical attraction but have no idea about their character or personality and their views and morals on things. If you see him all the time, like several times a week and its been a month, he has had enough time to start showing his real self. If you have met once a week, that is not enough, 4 days to know whether you can trust him. Since you dont mention time here, I can only guess and try to cover everything. If he is asking for honesty on the first date instead of simply not giving you a heads up on it and just observing you for consistency, it makes me think that perhaps he is asking for it because there was a great lack of it in the last relationship. You may be doing the same thing as the last girl. I'll bet you don't really know his story with his ex if there is one. If you are his first, I find it an odd request to make at the beginning. All he has to do is watch you open up and share things you never have before and he will see the inconsistencies. Since I only gave a person the one chance to mess up, if a guy did what you do to him, that guy would already be crossed off my list. Yes, I did meet several guys who said one thing and changed it days later to the total opposite, like I hate coffee shops and days later saying he loved them. I questioned this one guy I'll use for an example, I was,'t accusing him, just thinking that maybe he was thinking one thing but saying the opposite accidentally. So I nicely asked him which one it was because I had now heard both and it couldn't be both. He blew up and started yelling at me over the phone stating that a guy should have a chance to change his mind without being interrogated. I hung up and cut off contact. That one was inconsistant with a healthy dose of anger problems. More of what my ex was like. I'd be stupid to go back to what I just left my ex for. I was being careful. If your guy has had some bad experiences with trusting a partner, then it is one of his criteria for finding a gal he wants to be with. It is understandable if you've been together a month or more that he is asking for this. Since he keeps reminding you of it, I am guessing he likes you but isn't too sure yet if he can trust you because of the inconsistencies he has already caught in you.
You may already be very close to losing him so If I were you, I would tell him everything, even all the tiny details. So you have a class with someone? Big deal, you are not dating two people at the same time, and keeping it a secret from both men, Right? If so, then this guy you are so afraid of mentioning, is someone in your past.
I used to be afraid in first marriage and with other people and had social anxiety as a kid and teen. I also had low self esteem and that affected not just a dating relationship but many many others because lack of trust in any kind of relationships, friends, family, etc . . . is not a good thing and will affect those relationships and usually will disintegrate them. You may need to do some work on building up your self esteem, not pretending to do it but actually learning and changing. Self confidence which comes along with good self esteem is how others see you, confident. Self esteem is the same thing but how you see yourself. So if you were even half as confident as I am of myself, you would not fear losing a guy, you would instead be glad a guy leaves you because it proves he wasn't a strong and confident and healthy thinking, non jealous man.
So I can tell you to tell him everything but lack of confidence in yourself will continue to cause you to present only the edited stories with stuff left out because you fear a man getting jealous. Heck, to that I say, Great! If I say all the things I can think of that will make an insecure, low self esteemed man show his jealousy, I'd be glad to find out sooner than later so I can tell him, sorry, I don't feel enough chemistry and leave the relationship. What you are thinking of as a bad thing, is actually a good thing hon. Maybe you have always chosen insecure men in the past. Maybe you need to learn then how to spot a confident, non jealous man. If I were you and knew I had a strange way of choosing guys who end up terribly jealous, then why drag it out long, like 6 months or a year before the guy leaves you due to jealousy. why waste all that time you could have been searching for the right guy? CHange how you think about this and things will get better. If you find you can't, you might want to find a 'life coach'. These people will sit with you one on one and teach you the kinds of stuff I am cramming into just this one chance to reach you in a way that will help you. It costs hourly for a life coach same as seeing a counselor, or a psychologist although I don't see that this is mental illness, just fear of losing him and if that fear doesn't extend into many situations in your life as a mental illness would affect, then you simply need to use your willpower, stop doing he things that will hurt a relationship and start doing the right things. If you dont know what the right things are, I encourage you to find books at the store or library that focus on trust in relationships, maybe on how to communicate and understand the opposite sex and books on dealing with your self confidence.
Best wishes for a happy healthy relationship
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