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I care too much
people always talk about me and they think it don’t get to me but it really do. I always try to change myself but it never works. I see a lot of people getting talked about but they still have all of there friends. What should I do? How can I change myself?
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Doesn’t sound like real friends to me if you ask me. The thing about asking you to change yourself is that there’s never any one right way to change yourself to get friends. There’s always going to be someone who will disagree or dislike you whatever you do, and it’s not always your fault, especially when you’re trying.
Want to make friends? Meet some kind people when volunteering somewhere, or in a church if you’re religious. Finding lists of random acts of kindness online is a good way to gain genuine friends. Find some hobby clubs around you to find similar interests with. The website Meetup is a good place to find some local clubs to go to.
The truth is, quality friends come from increased uniqueness than following what everyone else says. People eventually get bored and tired of people who always agree with them. People want to hear something new, and investing in yourself, your passions and purposes in life does that.
And what if someone hates you? People who have no enemies have never fought for something truly meaningful.
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I used to have severe social anxiety from grade school through HS. With this background, my first thought is to wonder if you have actually overheard people talking about you and the content of what they have said. There are lots of details and info that could shed light on what is actually going on.
If indeed some people are saying nasty untruths about you, but you are prettier and or smarter than most, those I remember as reasons for people to pick on and or say bad things about a person. In each scenerio, they are jealous, jealous they don't look as good as you, don't have the intelligence and "A's' you have and it could also be jealousy of having parents, or mom or dad if they have a missing parent or have a very dysfunctional home. That I know too from kids who acted up and picked on others, not just me...some had a Dad who left the family and a MOm who gave up on the basics so the kids had to scrounge for food or go hungry, never had a birthday party, etc. I think you get the picture.
The other reason is that kids are simply immature and not thinking of others, or basically how it feels to be someone else. this would be what I call putting myself in the other persons shoes. This means using imagination to understand why a person does what they do by applying all the details of their life to yourself. Unfortunately, teens brains aren't done growing to its mature wise choice ability state until mid twenties. So other than the minority who are mature at this ag, most are compromised by a brain that doesn't allow them to think ahead or consider consequences of all their actions, how it affects them or others.
YOu say you keep trying to change yourself. Changing oneself to be right for a guy to date you or changing yourself to have lots of friends, all of these will backfire in some way. How do I know? I married at 20 and for the first 5 yrs of marriage, I kept trying to change things about myself to make my husband love me more. He actually never did love me as he told a psychologist at the end of our marriage, he simply wanted to look more normal to the public, have a house, a car, pets, kids and a wife. So I was more of an ingrediant, makeup to make him look okay to others and he did have plenty people fooled except my pastor and the psychologist. ONe of the problems of changing yourself each time you are with a differentn person to match them and what they like is two problems, One is you begin to resent them for not liking you as you are or for having in some way required you to be this, or demand you change, and the person for whom you have changed, well, deep down, their subconscience will notice things that they and others don't see on the surface and they will never really like you or may eventually treat you terrible, like a door mat because they see you as weak and a wimp and not interesting at all. None of this is true, only perceptions of people. What you need to keep in mind is that like attracts like when it comes to friends. So another problem is pretending to be confident and outgoing when you are not and having a guy fall for the fake you. When he discovers this is all fake and sees the real you, then you are not what he tends to like so he breaks up. It works the same with a man pretending to be what I wanted after a divorce when dating again. What i learned is that a person can only pretend and use a false persona for a short while because it takes so much personal energy and remembering and pretending and not letting things slip, that anyone doing this will only be able to keep it up for days if not a couple weeks before they show their real self accidentally by getting too comfortable and letting things slip. There were 3 or 4 guys who did that to me and I discovered each one had traits like the ex I left.
The only thing I ever changed about myself is going from being a shy introvert with low self worth to a friendly outgoing woman with good self esteem and self confidence. Those two are the same thing just from different viewpoints. Self confidence can be faked as its how people perceive you when they watch you and think you seem to look and act self confident, but it could be a pretense on your part. High self esteem is how you think about yourself, how you watch your thought life and don't allow yourself to dwell on unflattering thoughts about yourself which is easily helped by understanding people and different personalities and tricks to work with your subconscious mind rather than against it.
You may not need to change in such ways at all. When people are young, and their brains not yet fully mature, we really have no idea about what makes a true friend and have it hard trying to find a romantic partner as well. Having some helpful information will do wonders. After a divorce, I followed a list of criteria I wrote for what I needed and wanted in a man, as God told me to do and I followed that list, to many males dismay, but I eventually found my 2nd husband, a true gem of a man, my soulmate and sweetheart and I couldn't be happier. Things like meeting and having friends or a mate don't happen by chance for the most part. We have to be doing intentional things to attract people. When I look back to how I was in HS, the me I am now, would never be attracted to the me I was back then. Why? I came across as too boring, shy, and uninteresting. Even today, I dislike trying to have a conversation with someone who I have to drag every single word out of them, who say nothing, mumble, look down at the floor instead of into my eyes and answer in one word or a short phrase and let conversation die. I don't avoid them, because I was once like that and grateful for any who approached me and wanted to be friends. I am more of the mind to help people to change simply to what will help them transition from a student, a minor to an adult. It was my realizing I would have a hard time going from HS into the adult world because I had to be able to speak for myself, be self confident and so on , to get jobs, and keep them, to attract a mate, to make phone calls when a bill or something else is wrong and have no problem asking for what I want and not settling for less than what I feel is satisfactory. In fact, after 4 years, I am fed up with the clinic and Drs. I have been seeing. They drop the ball, forget about me and results of tests, you can't get through on the phone and have to show up in person to schedule appointments and they still haven't felt there is anything wrong medically when I have suffered a conditions now since the end of August. So I will make the calls and check out some new Drs. that my insurance covers because the care I have been getting is mediocre. This is an example of being confident enough to not take anyone's answer as my only choice. I will keep searching until I find a Dr. in whom I instantly feel confident that they really know their stuff and can help me.
So, I don't know why people are talking or if as it was for me way back, worried more about what people might think of me if I did anything or said anything. It could be an overactive imagination like I had, even if i heard people talking and they happened to look over at me, I'd assume they were talking about me. I know now that was not true. I was the one with the issues and problems.
I do know that to get through these difficult years for you, it will take at least changing your thinking as I had to do. Distorted, inaccurate thinking will cause more problems for you than anything else in life so this is one thing I tell everyone. When your thought life is mostly negative about yourself, your body will subconsciously follow along and try to support those negative thoughts by your actions. It can be subtle so you don't see it yourself but thats one thing, thoughts, that you can work on. If this sounds interesting to you and you want to learn to build your self esteem/confidence so You aren't affected negatively by what you think others are doing, and to learn to not care what others think, then you will benefit from reading books on the subject. I can only recommend a Dr. David Burns who was a psychologist and writes on how to overcome depression, all anxieties, fears, distorted thinking. I will put his website link for you to browse.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If you have more information that might give me an idea of what is going on if it isn't about what I have guessed, then please let me know and I will try to help more. Lastly, there is somebody for everyone. But not everyone will become friends with one somebody. That means you can't and won't even like everyone in your school, workplace or neighborhood. Some are friendly and civil towards you, you talk only on limited terms if at all, but those who are most like yourself are going to be attracted to you as a friend. Teens haven't figured that out too well. But by college they are learning and the older you get, the more people have figured out what they like and are attracted to for friends or mates. So when it comes to having a boyfriend, a husband, males don't like the same thing, certainly not what media shows us all is the most popular and liked. If that were the case, I'd have extremely long legs, be very skinny to almost anorexic, wear tons of makeup, have well kept pretty nails, have a huge chest due to implants, and a skinny waist. I don't look anything like that and yet, there will always be men who do a double take and look at me again because I am to their liking just the way I am. I am older, wear no makeup, am short, wrinkles and the hair going grey instead of coloring it. The one who counts, my husband, still looks at me with desire in his eyes, appreciate glances, after 9 years, but he isn't the only one who looks at me. No, I don't get every male staring at me when I walk into a Starbucks. But it will be one every other day that I at least catch looking. That doesn't cover those whom I don't catch. I am using just looks here. But the older we get, people don't care as much about the looks if they had the model type who was rotten on the inside. Many learn early to value who a person is on the inside. So you may have to wait a while if young. If you are college age or older, try looking for a meeting of people you can join who have the same hobbies, or interests as you. Meetups dot com is a good place to start and will list every meet up in your city and your neighborhood. I suggest something like this to gain some successes as it is easier when joining a meeting of people who like the same thing. Just search through all catagories and see whats set up and what catches your interest. I have seen Mommies with babies in buggies, meeting to walk together and catch a smoothie after the walk, game board players meetings, to those who all like yoga, natural health, those who believe in the afterlife, a certain religion, knitters, and on and on. I know what having some success does for you. My confidence grew to the point there was no room for doubting thoughts to fill my mind about myself. I did go to some of these meet ups but my confidence grew also in other experiences as well. If you just need to talk, write me. It helps to have someone you can share your thoughts with and not fear being ridiculed. Only if you question something or wants answers or a change that is actually needed, I can help.
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