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How to overcome unrequited feelings? 26/f
There’s this guy who was a friend of mine who I really really really liked for a long time. This summer, I finally found the guts to tell him that I really liked him, and he politely rejected me. I had steeled myself for the possibility of his rejection, and had convinced myself I would be ok with it. But when it happened, it felt like disembowelment. I fell into a deep depression and was crying uncontrollably all day, every day for weeks. I finally hauled myself down to a mental health clinic and they said I needed psychiatric supervision in a mental hospital. I wasn’t able to do that because I have a cat and there was nobody who would’ve been able to look after her. Then, my dad got sick and I had to find a way to compartmentalize this in order to take care of him. Luckily he's better now, so I can go back to my life.
Seeing him in class every week is indescribably painful. It hurts so much just to be in the same room as him that I have to do loads of deep breathing and centering exercises in order to be able to not fall apart. But a few days ago, I just found out the worst possible thing. He is now dating my good friend. She told me that she was really sorry and that she had no idea I still felt that way about him when they got together. My soul is suffering so much right now that I feel like it’s starting to shut down. I would love so much to get over him, but I don’t really see a way out of it. The only way I could imagine myself moving on from this is if someone as amazing as him pursued me, but I know that will never happen. I’m 26 and no guy has ever been remotely interested in me my whole life. What can I do?
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Rejection is always painful and feeling alone at that age is a danger to you know though that you need to stop worshipping this guy and take heart in the fact he is just the beginning love isn't just meant to be one sided so his rejection means he's not the one yet or may never be you are a strong beautiful person inside and out all it takes is that you allow yourself to see it keep searching for love and when you find one you love so dearly that even when you know in your heart that you know you truly cannot live without this person then you must fight to show them how true your love is for the chance for them to see it to. Everyone has someone so no matter who or what you love there is your soul mate somewhere in this world experience the same heartache from not having you there yet my beauties <3
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I don't know who you saw as a professional but they were very unprofessional by saying you needed supervision in a mental hospital. If you haven't left anything out and you have no prior depression, then you do not have clinical depression but a depression brought on by a situation that is painful to you. Situational depression occurred to one of my daughters after her first long term boyfriend dumped her. She kept feeling worse and worse. I told her what to do for this kind of depression, stuff that will instantly raise the levels of the feel good hormones in our brains. Most people don't do enough things that keep continually refilling our levels of feel good hormones and when stressed from something real bad or unexpected, we draw on those hormones to help us deal with all sorts of stressful situations. But if you are out of these hormones in your brain, or low on them, not enough to help, then the levels are 'depressed', another word for too low/ and that is how the word depression came about. Some peoples bodies are unable to create these hormones, no matter what they do. If such a problem is going to appear in an individual, it is most likely to show up during teen years. It did for my brother and it did for one of my daughters and same for others I've talked to.
Back to the one whose boyfriend dumped her. She had a one time visit paid for by work but insurance would cover it after that. I told her what to do but she decided to trust a professional. Since he realized she had just this one visit, he wouldn't be able to take time to just let her talk and vent so He told her what to do to get over this situational depression. She came back to me astonished, showing me the list, and it had everything on it that I had already told her. No, I am not a mental health professional but I have learned just from living life and doing so longer than her. I can share these with you.
One is laughter, humor. So watching the style of comedy you gel with best in a movie is a good thing to do.
Another is movement of your body. It can be exercise of any kind, from a brisk walk to lifting weights or even dancing. What works best and fastest for me is skipping like a little kid does. I might do it in the house or yard so I am not seen as grandmother aged woman skipping down the sidewalk. But when I have done it, I can't help but giggle and laugh as I do so and i immediately feel better.
Hugs are another way to raise those feel good hormone levels, creating new ones. I am not talking about a quick hug where the bodys don't connect. I am talking about a long bear hug that lasts at least a full minute if not more. Most people let go the moment they start to feel strange or awkward but thats exactly when they need to continue holding the other person. Instead of asking for hugs, give hugs and you automatically get one in return.
Music. This is about the melody healing you, not the lyrics. Go through all the music you own and if there is any song that creates the sensation of your heart feeling as light as a balloon, floating upwards in your chest, then that is the right melody for you. What works for one person won't necessarily work on someone else. For me, it is the song 'Clocks' by Coldplay. That one song produces the strongest feelings in me so I have it on my computer and hit replay and when it has gone through 3 or 4 times, I feel so good I don't have to do any of the others at the time.
I do this already when feeling stressed because I know if I don't, I am using up all those good hormones that help me deal with things in life and I need to build it up. The other option is do nothing and fall into situational depression. I've been there before, but not for long as I don't like how depression feels and so I do what I know helps. Try these things until you find the best movement therapy, music and such that helps you feel better fast, like in minutes rather than days or weeks. I am not making any of this up. I will also post a site if you are curious by a psychologist turned author and teacher of other Drs. He explains that there is great hope for people who have depression or anxieties. People have commented who had supposed clinical depression all their life, only to be free of it once employing the non medicine methods he teaches about, CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is one of them and now recognized widely so mental health Drs trained in this method will post it in their ads.
As for the guy being with your good friend, for the time being, until you are healthy again and not depressed, you can not really be around them if at all possible. Explain to your girlfriend you don't hate her but need to take a break until you get your head on straight again. You don't have to go into details, just let her know you will make contact with her when ready. As for the guy, you are seeing him in a class so I wonder if this is college? Or just a class for fun at a community center or something. Either way, find if there is a way you can change to a class taught by another teacher so you are not in class with the guy or maybe take the same teacher at a different class time. As long as you are seeing the two of them at times, it will cause you in your unhealed state to start thinking about the whole situation again and all you will feel is more depressed and less willing to do the things that will actually heal you.
*If by chance you believe that you do have clinical depression that just started late for you, give these non medicinal ways a try first. If you don't notice any chance for the better after using them for a week or two, you may have to see a Dr. about getting onto medication. However, from what you wrote, I don't believe that is the case for you.
You can hear some of my examples of feeling rejected by a man I loved after I got my divorce. I know how bad it feels. When I found out he was going back to his divorced wife, not staying with me, I was in shock, adrenaline racing through me for days, maybe up to a week and that is not healthy, I barely could sleep, no appetite and my mind was constantly going over if anything could have happened differently if I had said or done something differently, and much like the steps a grieving person needs to go through, I had a stage of anger at him for the decision he made. However, I did not like the way I was feeling and knew after a week of that, that somehow I had to crawl out of that hole and find my way back. And I did. The first thing was to get as far away from where I might accidentally bump into him and I moved states away to go stay with a sister for a while.
I would also like to talk on some reasons why you may not yet have attracted any guys. I know because I once was there too. NOw I am the total opposite and can at least tell you right now, that one of the biggest things that will attract males like moths to a flame, is having a great self confidence. In a university study, men were watched to see if they chose beauty over self confidence but although they were initially attracted to the beautiful model types first, they lost interest when those women ended up drama Queens with low self confidence and were attracted to but stayed with the women with self confidence who were average to pretty but not drop dead gorgeous. Even in just making friends, it is a difference. If you want to hear how to go about getting to the point of having a man pursue you or you pursuing him and the guy happy you are, let me know. I also can share something that helped me find my second husband after the divorce. I am so blessed and so in love, and he's my soul mate. This is what women want in a man, a guy who feels exactly the same way about her, blessed, in love and with their soul mate. But there are things you must do first to clarify for yourself what exactly you are looking for in a guy so when you see him or meet him, you go after him. I can explain a scientific reason for unrequitted love. It's when people don't understand this simple thing, they are more upset and start to think there is something wrong with them when they haven't been with the right people yet. Please do ask me, I would love to help you out as this is right up my alley with personal experience.
BIG warning though . . .if you do want to hear from me again, you can't say something in the place where you rate this answer. You actually have to go to 'Browse advice columnists' and look under letter D for Dragonflymagic as that is me. Click on me to get to my column and from there you can write me. Please say something about what you first wrote about so I know its the same person and ask for how to gain self confidence, why some people don't love you back and how to find Mr. Right. Good luck dear and hope to hear from you agan.
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