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Feeling bad for leaving my dad out...
A bit of backstory, me and my dad were never close. He has anger issues, and he throws tantrums quite a bit. I'm much closer with my mother, and tend to spend the most time with her. Since we moved about a month and a half ago, I've been avoiding him slightly, choosing to do things with only me and my mother, and not mentioning him to any of my friends. He'll cuss in inappropriate places, such as a school meeting, when he got mad and told me I need to get the fucking paper, even though I already had one. Or when he cussed out a fast food employee for the restraunt being closed. He constantly interups me , and has broken things without apologizing for anything. He also says some pretty racist stuff from time to time. Point is, I don't like to be around him. So, me and my mom are planning a camping trip with her, me and her brothers, not including my dad. He seems really upset about this, since we don't do stuff with him much anymore. I'm really starting to feel guilty about this though. My mom doesn't want him to go, and I don't either, but this guilt is eating me up inside. I don't know what I should do.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
There is an old saying which says; "You can choose your friends not your relatives." I would say this saying fits your problem.
Nowhere is it written that a child must be on friendly terms with their parents. We get many letters like yours so you are not alone and should not feel guilty. I myself cut all ties with my father when he in a letter insulted her and refused to apologize. Among many things he missed was not seeing his grandson accept his diploma and awards for being an Honor Graduate from College. Do I feel bad about this not in the least.
There is no reason to include your father in anything if he is unwilling to change. There is no reason for you, your mom or Uncle to have your trip ruined because of issues your father has.
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Would you feel as guilty if your Mom left your Dad and started the proceeding for a divorce? Frankly, other than worry about finance if she left, why hasn't she already. SHe doesn't like him anymore than you do. If a couple has to have time away from each other to stay sane, then something is wrong with the relationship. just maybe, they never were the best match in the first place. The anger and meanness that oozes from him is enough to stress all family members out. It can mess with a person emotional or physical health too.
If you are under 18, you don't have a say and are stuck with whatever your Mom decides to do. If she wants to stay married to a mean jerk, then vacations and more time apart from him are a way to cope for a while. Although that is not a good long term solution. Perhaps she is waiting to leave him after you and siblings if any are adults and out of the house. I wish I had left my ex sooner. I can see in my kids how just watching him verbally abuse me all the time was enough to burdon each with their own set of unhealthy relationship issues. One chose a know it all bossy guy who always has to be right, one kept doubting and not trusting men, even though the first two were good guys and now is married to a mental case time bomb and had one child taken away by CPS already. The third girl has to be in control to avoid having issues so she has always chosen weak, wimpy guys that she can control and direct. None of these kids of mine have a healthy life relationship wise. If you ever need Mom to wake up to the fact that perhaps the way Dad treats all of you isn't worth the emotional damage, then feel free to share with I've said with her. Save this, show her and encourage her to write in with any questions of her own. I am not one to say to give up easily. In a perfect world, everyone would be loving and caring, not destructive and mean and vengeful. But due to free will that God gave all, he will not interfere and Force the one adult who is choosing to do negative things, to turn into a perfect husband and father like you see in fairy tales, like the wave of a magic wand. That is not the real world.
So, if guilt is your biggest issue, dear, I hope this shows you that you do not need to feel guilty for several reasons. Dad is lucky that instead of divorce, Mom only wants to spend as little time with him as possible and taking this camping trip is one of them. Also, you need to see this time away as much needed time for you guys to relax and unwind from the stress caused by him. It is for your health that doing such a thing is crucial. But occasional trips aways isn't even enough. Hon, when I was with my ex, the stress was so great it had to go somewhere. If it doesn't go to your emotions and you get depressed, then it comes out in physical issues like headaches, migraines, ulcers, rashes and can bring on heart problems and cancer after many years. I would recommend spending even more time away from Dad as a way to cope and offset the stress. Please don't be stressed about him not invited to go along.
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