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I'm Going To Be a Terrible Mother
Long story short, part of me wants to become a mom pretty soon, but the other part is terrified that I'm gonna be a horrible one. I don't know if the fears I'm having are common and normal or if they go beyond the typical doubts people tend to have about their competency as a parent.
Until a couple years ago or so, I didn't doubt that I'd be a good mom and having children was by far the thing I wanted most from my life. I was raised by the best mom ever and I've had other good role models whose example I can follow, but I have learned things since then that make me think I might not be cut out to have children.
My sister had a baby (my nephew, Lane) back in August 2015. Since then, I've been around Lane for about a week every Christmas, two weeks every summer, and various other visits throughout the year. I feel bad saying this, I mean I really feel like the worst aunt in the world, but although I love Lane, he drives me absolutely nuts, crazy, out of my mind, bananas sometimes.
Everyone else loves my nephew and loves being around him, but not me. He throws huge fits constantly and goes to crying hysterically and screaming over NOTHING. He throws first a lot of the time just to get attention. Other times, He might throw one because he actually does want something, but giving him that something rarely calms his fits. We'll go to a restaurant and he'll throw a fit because he wants to sit in my sister's lap. She'll put him in her lap and he'll continue crying because he wants back in his seat. She'll put him back in his seat and he'll keep crying because he wants back in her lap. Or, we'll be at my mom's house and he'll cry because he wants some milk. My sister will get him some milk and he'll continue crying for a while because he didn't get it fast enough. Once, He, my sister, my mom, aunt, cousin, and I were at a pool and out of nowhere, Lane starts wailing. My sister took him out of the pool and offered him absolutely anything she thought he might possibly want at that time, but he continued screaming his head off. My mom leaned over in my ear and made a joke saying, "I guess it's just time for his three o'clock fit." I laughed, but honestly, this is really what my nephew's like. I once counted how many meters meltdowns he had in a day, just while I was around him, and the number reached close to 30 (no lie). And that didn't even include the minor fits that I chose not to count as meltdowns. His whining and crying have become like nails on chalkboard to me.
Aside from that, my nephew is mischievous. He likes to do things he's not supposed, disobey orders, and cause problems because he thinks it's funny. He likes to get a rise out of people. He also has a tendency to be a little bit mean. He'll slap you across the face, kick you, or bite the check out of you when you haven't even done anything to him. And he tends to break things, which could be an accident or intentional.
He and my sister are coming to town Wednesday for their annual two week long summer visit with me and my mom and I'm dreading it more than I can express, but it's true. I find myself wishing I could trade places with people who aren't gonna have to be around my nephew for hours each day, everyday for the next two weeks or that I could rewind time to before my nephew was born and my sister used to come by herself for a week or so long visit each summer. I feel like the worst aunt in the world for feeling that way and if I have in in me to be the worst aunt, I could have it in me to be the worst mom as well.
I know I'm gonna cause some people to hate me by saying this, but sometimes I look at other kids and think, "Why can't YOU be my nephew?" My cousin has an absolute adorable, sweet, charming four year old son named Eli. I want to make it clear that I'm not wishing Lane away, but there are times when I wish Eli was my nephew and Lane was my cousin. When I was in high school, using had a teacher women was obsessed with her three year old nephew, Austin. She'd show pictures of him and tell stories about him. He was a very, very cute kid and from what she said about him, he was sweet and well behaved too. Austin would be about 17 or 18 now. Way too old for this annoying little kid stuff. Sometimes I wish I could trade nephews with this former teacher of mine and be Austin's aunt and be like a family friend of Lane's who lives him, but doesn't see him much. If I have it in me to be that cold hearted about my nephew, how can I expect to be any warmer towards my kids?
The thing that prompted me to come here (other than my nephew's upcoming visit) is that yesterday I took a nap and had a dream that I had a baby. I dreamed that my mom had just had surgery and my baby and I were in her ICU room waiting for her to wake up. The baby was a boy. He had brown hair and brown eyes and an absolutely adorable face. His name was Jude (one of my favorite boy names) and I adored him..I was actually a little bummed out when I woke up and realized it was just a dream and Jude didn't actually exist.
This wasn't the first dream I've had that I had one or more children. I had another once that I had two teenage sons named Aaron and Joe and another one where I had a teenage daughter named Belle. I love these dreams. One of my favorites was a recent, half awake-half asleep kind of dream where I had a son named Nathan who looked exactly like Nathan Lane (I love Nathan Lane). These dreams make me feel good, which I strongly hope is a good sign, but I don't know whether to take it as one or not.
Is there ANYONE out there who had a strong distaste for their niece/nephew and was driven insane by them, but turned out to love their kids and be able to say with confidence that they are a good parent?
I apologize for the length of this question, but thank you for reading.
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You are not a bad person and nothing you said surprises me. If I had a nephew like that, I wouldn't want to be around him either.
I am sorry to have to say this but it's not the child who is really the problem, its his parents, your sister and the childs father. Just the things you have described tell me the child doesn't feel secure. A child feels more secure when there are boundaries and simple rules for their safety and okay for their age for them to follow. If a child is given every thing they demand the moment they demand it and they get it, an unhappy child is what you produce. Sure if a child is told no, they throw a fit but a parent has to be strong to stand up to the child and not cave in, thinking the child will hate them. ITs actually quite the opposite. I'll bet that this child also was picked up everytime he cried in bed and was always picked up or rocked to sleep in arms and once laid down, awake again because he has never learned how to entertain himself because the parents take that opportunity away. I took parenting classes with my first child and can say that info is very helpful. You could give her a book that is all about the do's and don'ts for parents. Your mom raised your sister so while your sister may be a wonderful person and wonderful sister, she isn't doing the right things as a parent. We don't automatically come with parenting skills. Those must be learned.
You did say: ...sometimes I look at other kids and think, "Why can't YOU be my nephew?"
That right there should tell you that it isn't children you are afraid of, but having an unruly, brat that you fear. The kid can only turn out that way if you do not do the right things in parenting them. The dreams you are repeatedly having are your subconscious telling you that you still should have kids and you want them. Raising kids isn't easy. You have to put them first but coddling them too much is overboard.
I will give you an example using my middle daughter when she ate meals in a high chair. One day, she either was full or not in the mood for what I gave her so she shoved it over the edge of tray onto the kitchen floor. A parent who gives in to their child would have tried offering different foods or even something sweet like cookies if thats all they would accept and if no other food seemed to make them happy, the parent would take them out of the high chair and then try to entertain them to get them to settle down.
What I did was take off the tray, set my daughter on the kitchen floor, take a sponge and wet it, then put the sponge on the spilled food, put her little hand on the sponge with mine hand covering hers so she couldn't pull it away. I made the wiping motions on the food, not to really clean it, that I did later. But I was teaching my toddler that for all our actions there are steps or consequences that must happen after. If she spills something, she will need to clean it up. Or at least do her best. And guess what, she never shoved food onto the floor ever again. NO, I was not cruel, I wasn't hurting her, but she plainly didn't like having to do this, and she fussed and cried during the demonstration on cleaning messes.
Now take my granddaughter whom I watch at times when needed. She's now crawling and about to walk and there are too many things she can get into that might hurt her. There is a playpen in the living room. I do spend time playing with her but like if I have to go use the bathroom while she prefers to be held, I sure as heck am not going to try to hold her while I sit down on the potty. I place her in the pen and tell her, I will be back as soon as I've used the bathroom. Guess what she does, she starts crying. Guess what I do? I leave her there and go to the bathroom. She will not die from crying because she's disappointed. When I come back I tell her, now I am done and you can come out again and I life her out. This is so simple and yet some new parents freak out when the baby cries. Of course they are going to cry. But they will cry more if they always get what they want. I know it doesnt sound like it makes sense but it does. If you don't believe me, start reading books yourself on parenting do's and don'ts. You may not have a child yet but just reading and knowing this ahead of time will be helpful once a parent and take away your fear of becoming one. And don't believe that crap about the 'Terrible two's' All a parent needs is to know some very basic psychology. At two, kids begin to feel like they are 22 and want all the priveliges of being grown up but as of yet are untrained and have no idea about what is good for them. A mom at church has a teen daughter just like my youngest. My other kids made it through that young age just fine, but at age 3, the youngest still threw tantrums when I told her it was bedtime or tried enforcing a rule. It was all because she wanted to make her own decisions rather than parents make it for her. That mom told me it was quite simple to handle. All I had to do was give her choices, BUT, and this is a big BUT, the parent had to make one choice for example using bedtime, that she decide to go to bed when I told her. But she didn't have that as her only choice. You just make up some other choices that are so awful that the child will not pick them or will once, and then decide it wasn't worth staying up. For an older child, no allowance for a week if they want to stay up late one night. At her age, it was she could stay up, but she couldn't watch TV or play with her toys, only listen to me read her stories and also not get dessert that night or the next night if she already had it. Believe me, she chose the thing I wanted her to do, every time because she was smart enough to realize the other choices, though choices, were not too great at all. LOL.
I hope my own stories give you hope dear. If you felt that you didn't like children at all, even the good ones you see other parents have, then perhaps you are not meant to be a parent. I do know a couple people like that. They didn't want to be tied down with kids and couldn't stand being around them. Even one of my daughters knows she doesn't want kids but she does love pets, cats in particular. And So I am grandma to a cat as well. LOL Good luck dear and thanks for writing in.
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I’m one of the lucky Uncle’s who’s nieces were and are a joy to be around. This is because my sister raised them correctly and taught them how to behave. Yes there were times they missed behaved and times they were mischievous; all children get this way. This does not make for a bad parent or a bad child. A good parent will take the appropriate action to let the child know that their actions are unacceptable.
As for tantrums; once again this is normal childhood behavior. Some parents chose to let the child throw a tantrum and not give into the child. I took another approach with my son. He would throw himself on the floor, scream, kick his legs and pound his little fists. We tried letting him have his fit and just ignore him. It worked in so far that he eventually got tired and stopped. One day when he threw a fit I got down on the floor and threw one with him. He stopped his crying and screaming and looked at me. I did this each time he had a fit, he didn’t get his way and eventually he stopped throwing fits. I guess it was no fun with daddy lying next to him screaming as well.
All of us to one degree or another wonder and worry as to what kind of parent we will be. Just remember that no matter how closely you bond with your child; “YOU ARE THE PARENT FIRST FRIEND SECOND.” You discipline when needed and reward good behavior when appropriate such as behaving at a restaurant, dentist, shopping with you or visiting relatives.
I believe to worry as to what kind of parent you will be is appropriate and makes you a better parent. When that bundle of joy is placed in your arms all those worries go away for now you are a parent and it is like you have read the handbook.
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