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Help
My story is actually pretty long but ill try to keep it short. I met this guy about two years ago, he wasn't my type but he seemed very nice so I gave him a chance. As the relationship developed I noticed his flaws such as anger issues - being rude and disrespectful. I myself have an attitude but its only when he starts. He's the type of person to make me believe that everything is me, he always tells me that its me me me and sometimes I believe it. Half of my family doesn't like him, my parents like him but thats because they don't know anything, The relationship has gotten to a point where its toxic, not only does he disrespect me but he has put his hands on me MANY times. he has broken many of my phones, my glasses, has pulled my hair, choked me, punched my head. God there is so much. HES UNEMPLOYED and I've been mining him for the past 10 months. Im paying his phone bill, his gym membereship, I give him money to get home, buy him food, ETC. this is getting out of control. WE don't even have sex anymore, he not affectionate and everytime I want to tell him how feel we end up fighting.he has seen me at my worst crying and begging for him not to leave and to just hug me and he has refused in the past. Im very upset and depressed sometimes feel like I'm going crazy. I miss the man I fell involve with. although he's done so much to me I still feel like he's a good person and I have hope in him, and I feel bad because I feel like deep down he is a good person. he just has really bad anger issues and a fucked up childhood but that just may be me justifying what he does. I need help, advice, now. I know the right thing to do is leave but I just don't know how.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
Get away from him. I know it’s scary and you might still love him, but he is dangerous. The best thing to do is get support and leave him. Turn to your friends and family for help.
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I suffered verbal abuse all through a marriage of about 30 years. Towards the end he also started getting handsy and pushing and shoving me. The stress of just verbal abuse is enough to affect a person. We had 3 kids and I was willing to leave him but for financial concerns I stayed. So, stress has to go somewhere. It was manifest either mental/emotionally or physical, maybe both. For me it was physical. I had all stress related issues at some point and several at a time: headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, body rashes, etc. I no longer loved him and sex was never good from the staart-we were really mismatched there. Yes, there are good points about him too. But for every negative in life, its takes twice the amount of something positive to cancel out the bad. Since thatd wasn't happening for me and I can tell from what you wrote that it isn't happening for you either, if you stay, you will get worse and worse off with depression and maybe health issues also.
If you knew that staying could Kill YOu, would you still stay?
God got through to me and I clearly heard several times that If I didn't leave him in 4d years time, that I would be dead due to the stress by stress caused illness, and in my family there is cancer and heart disease so I knew it would be one. None of my daughters were married yet. I wanted to see them married and be a grandma and that wouldn't happen if I died. I also heard God mention a verse that says "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" Matthew 22:39
God then said, people end up trying to love their neighbor first because that shows up first in the sentence, however that is wrong. We need to be able to fully love ourselves before we are able to let love flow through us like water through a hose. A clogged or kinked hose will not let water pass. So we fool ourselves by trying to love others first and neglect ourselves.
I thought I was loving myself, has a good attitude about me but was told, yes, you do but not 100%. There is a part of you where you still allow yourself to be in a situation that is not good or loving f0r you. That floored me. I realized that in staying with my now ex, for as long as I did, that I was not helping him. He only got worse as time went on, and I clung to religious doctrines that the church spouted, that God was against divorce and I should trust God to save my marriage. So I stayed until God also said to me, I don't understand why you think I will heal your marriage. I gave free will to every single person and turning him against his free will into a loving husband would negate the free will decree I put in place. So I will not force him and he has no intention of getting better or even trying. If you think God is against divorce, think again. Becuase there are so many issue in each situation and in mine, the better was for me to leave. He wasn't willing to cooperate and go for a divorce, so I packed up and left and went out of state to live with friends as no one near home had even a basement for me to stay in. Agencies would not help as I was not physically beaten. Verbal abuse is worse in some ways because there are no bruises or blood to show and all agencies I checked with said they were not set up to take or deal with just verbal abuse...only if my life were in danger. SO thats why I left to stay with friends.
I hope you see that each of us needs to get to a point where we have hit bottom and can't take anymore. I was feeling that way for quite some time. In a way I knew as it was about 6 months of knowing this couldn't go on any longer before I actually left. I still wouldn't have if God hadn't said the things he said to me.
Not only are you treated terrible but he's found someone to take care of him. If left to sink or swim, what ever he choose should be his lesson in life to learn. As long as you stay with him, he will not learn what he needs to learn because you are doing it all for him and taking crap from him in return. Sometimes, if the person who needs improving is still with the loving supportive mate, the mate will be taken out of the equation by either death in accident or death of disease if they do not leave willingly ahead of time. I was told I had 4 years to get out. You do not know when the time has come for you to die before your time if you do not leave willingly now. But as I said, no matter how you feel about him, he is not loving you and he is not learning. If you love him, then leaving him and not having any more contact, no talking to, etc... is the best thing you can do. You don't have to prove it to the boyfriend cus he won't get it. But God will know and see that you have learned to fully love yourself but no longer allowing someone to treat you that way.
If you think there are two choices here, in plans of the mind, yes there is. But the choice other than leaving is assuming the man can be changed simply by your example, or by counseling and both are false.
Humans do not change because of outside influence. It is something internal they need to want to do before they will, no matter how much they agreed that what you do or what a counselor says is the right way. Its like that saying where 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" It means that the horse can be thirsty, you show him the way to water, but he has to want to drink. YOu can't force him to.
My ex went to a psychologist near the end of marriage. IN a private talk with just me, the Dr. asked if I still loved him and I had to say no. He said love could be rekindled but I had to decide what I expected and how much change would I need to see to stay with the husband. He told me that older people are more set in their ways and changes they make are so little that they will not affect a relationship for the better, even if they improved a little. Then there are people who attend counseling and never get better up to the day they die. That scared me. It finally hit that more likely than not he wouldn't improve at all. Then I caught him telling someone that the only reason he was attending Dr. visits was to fool me into staying, thinking he would change. He had no intention of changing because no matter what the Dr said, he didn't believe there was anything wrong with me and it was all my fault. The Dr. also explained that when a person is denying they need help, that deep down in their subconscious they actually realize something is not right, but they don't want others to notice so a tactic they use is to always point the blame at others. Usually the partner gets the brunt of it but they can and will tell other people that you are the problem, and it works. Its very effective because most people will take the bait and go thinking of stuff on another tangent. Not my married couple friends who let me stay with them. They were visiting, saw how bad things are and the retired ex counselor husband would not let my ex distract him by pointing the finger and blaming me right in front of them. He kept the pressure on and asked calmly if my ex was in love with me and finally the ex admitted that No, he'd never been in love with me. I hope my story helps you to decide to leave him, yes..cold turkey...just break it off, kick him out. Change your phone, and find a new place to live because with his temper and beating history, he could easily come for revenge and you may not live one of those times. If you can't find a safe place to move in, even with parents or family until you can get another place, it has to be done. If he threatens you, get a restraining order. THose don't always help but you need to have a paper trail with the police if he does decide to be violent to the point you fear for your life. ANd since there are organizations set up to help women who are beaten, then you will qualify for emergency housing and help. The Natl D domestic abuse hotline is: 1−800−799−7233
I wish you the best and a much brighter future dear
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