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Double World
Alright so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship but it feels like sometimes he lives in a double life. For instance yesterday we were hanging out and he didn’t want to come and get food w me or go to the mall “because he didn’t want to hold me back” so I went by myself and then when I got to his house which this is what happens a lot we just go downstairs in his room and lay on his bed. He either falls asleep or we watch Netflix and it was a beautiful day out and we were sitting in his basement per usual. Then he went out and didn’t text me back all night like actually all night even after multiple times I have texted him. I am getting bored of feeling alienated from his life because behind that basement door everything is good and then he opens it and he’s a different person and I just really need help because he’s out partying and stuff and then can’t wake up the next morning when we have plans to go to breakfast because he’s too tired. His double life or what seems to be like that is getting in the way of us spending time together and I’m getting bored. What do I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, seems like he has a side life going on. If a guy wants to spend time with a girl he WILL spend time with a girl and do his best to consume all of her time. So, if your guy is acting strangely, I'd say don't bother. Especially if you're feeling put off by it. Just move on. There's no reason to sit back and find out why he's acting like this or figuring out what could be his reason for not wanting to spend time with you, when clearly you WANT to spend time with HIM. The guy is just not in it. You'll find someone else to appreciate you.
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I know you've written twice this year and one about communication trouble.
Last time, you said he thought you were sneaking around behind him. Gee, now you say that he is the one urging you to go out and do your own thing???
I would have to say that either he is a very confused or troubled boy or he is two faced and agree with you that there are double standards.
Going further back, his mom was in the hospital. That makes me wonder if she has some ongoing medical troubles that have him depressed or if he got depressed over that and never recovered. Preferring to stay in his basement room and not go out sounds strange, like depression. But then, you say he does go out without you.
Hon, if a guy is really crazy about you, he's going to want to be around you all the time, not pushing you away like he does. Frankly, I believe you can do better than him and that you are settling for less by staying with him.
As the other advice giver thought, perhaps you both are having sex. I have no problem with that at your age of 17. However I agree that if sex is in the picture there are some things I need to say, just in case he and I are correct. ITs true that if a guy can get sex for free, basically without investing time in being with you, having a full relationship with you and watching Netflix together is not a full relationship, then there is no reason when you give it away that he doesn't do anything else with you. He got what he wanted from you. YOu would be just his sex partner in his mind and not a girl he loves and wants to be part of his life, well other than in bed. Also dear, if you are having sex, I am hoping the following words will be insightful, they are from a book "What Men say, What Women hear" by Dr. Linda Papadopoulos.
"Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them."
SHe said the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so that's where a female develops feelings for the guy and finds she doesnt want to leave him, no matter how badly he treats her. If you haven't had sex with him, don't start. He isn't worth it.
Everytime you allow a guy to get away with what "HE" wants, (this could be the pushing you to go out without him) without any consideration for your feelings, then you send a message that you are "Desperate" for a boyfriend and therefore will put up with any kind of nasty behavior from him. A male ends up actually trained by desperate girls throwing themselves at a guy to become more selfish and lazy and controlling etc.... If a guy doesn't have to work hard and learn how to treat a lady well to 'get the girl', then there's nothing forcing him to learn to become a better man, yes, even at 17 or so.
You can't change what stuff is going on in his head or beliefs he has that have him acting this way.
Since you are pretty much just starting the dating venue, I would like to help you with a short test of questions you can apply to any guy who dates you, him now and others in the future. Don't lose it. Copy and put it somewhere safe. I have found all the things said to be very true for men. I am not young but almost 60 and have plenty of experience through going through all of this, without anyone to give helpful advice.
The test is for finding out if a guy loves you. But dear, I can say, all the same has applied to guys who really like a girl but hadn't realized yet that they were in love. If he wants to be your boyfriend, this test applies as far as I am concerned.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
Don't get side tracked by #5 " Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship ..." Yes, he is pushing you to see friends and follow hobbies but it isn't in addition to having a good relationship together. What you both have, watching TV together is not a relationship.
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If your getting bored then maybe you don't have a true relationship with him. If you two are having sexual intercourse it is very possible that he is simply using you for sex. If this is the case there is an old saying that fits; Why should he buy the cow when the milk is free."
If you two are having sexual relations and he is unwilling to do anything else with you then you have a decision to make. You can stop having sex with him and see what says. If it is something to the effect you have sex with him or he will find a new girlfriend. Then you will know you are only an available sexual outlet for him.
The other way is to have a talk with him and find out what he believes is a good relationship and what type of relationship your two have.
My advice is at your age he is a high school sweetheart. A relationship that almost always end at graduation as you head of in different direction such as college. If he is unwilling to do more than lay in bed with you I would suggest you find somebody who will treat you better.
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