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How can reverse the damages?
I am 18 years and career wise i am a little confuse because i am financially incapable. i dont live alone but i dont really have someone who can pay for my things but that is not my only problem. i have issues and i mean i really do...i think i am bipolar and have a little depression at least that what people say... i have frequent sad feelings that i get when i am actually having fun... that is i will be doing somthing that i like to do but then i feel really really sad but i cannot remember what i just thought about... next i will be telling someone something funny or exiting then in the middle i just dont feel like saying it anymore so i may end it and just dont want to talk to anyone anymore. i believe that my feelings are because of my mother. she basically is mad... she "escaped" from her instituition and like 9-10 years after she had me and brother. my brother and i are 2years apart and she told us when i was 9 or so that she didnt intend to have us and when she found out she was pregnant she wanted to take some somthing to flush us out ...actually she did take it and it didnt work she later said when i was 17.the thing is i am a child who has been hurting for years but to everyone i just have 2 aforementioed problems but i am usaually fun , kind and smart. ( sorry my thoughts are all over and i cant stop crying so everything sounds crazy i think) my mother calls me ugly and a slut. the thing is i know i am not a slut but i do believe i am ugly... i hate my appea2rence and i hate to 2be cal2led attractive as i think 2everytone is lying to me...the thing is she only says that when she is upset and when she isnt upset she tells me that i should not hide from persons or behave like that when someone wants a pic of me because imnot ugly .... but the fact is i already believe that i am ugly and the fact that i get a lot of acne makes me feel the way i feel and i feel more inclined to believe your other statement. anyway i dont care that much about that...my problem is that she wishes bad things for me and tells me that she cant wait for me die so she can just bury me ...really it is like the reason why i have not kill myself is because i love God, my sister and my brother they are the only people who care about me ...i cant open up to anyone ...evertime someone gets to close to me i do shit so that they can stop trying or at least get tired of me ...i dont know what to do i have beeen living my life in the way that i confuse persons so they think i shy and that is why i act the way i am... the truth is i am not very shy i just dont trust anyone and i think that i dont deserve love because i hate my mother ...i really do...and although i wish she was different so i can love that will never happen so who really am i ? a girl who is full of hate and loves being alone?
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I also believe that a lot of your issues start with Mom and the stories of not wanting you and the fact she has some kind of mental illness.
So it is understandable if you feel depressed. However you feel your mood swings about from happy to sad for no reason. I am no doctor so I can't say that depression may have a part in it but I have a sister who has a handful of medical conditions and is not able to do things for herself much anymore so besides suffering pain all the time, she felt like giving up hope at times and was depressed and yet her Drs. never sent her to see a Psychologist or Psychiatrist until she recently got a new Dr. This Dr. immediately knew something was wrong, suspected bi polar and refered her to a certified mental health specialist. She is now on bi polar meds and says to me that her sense of well being is so different, like night and day.
I understand your not trusting people because the people you should have been able to learn to trust from childhood on, parents, that wasn't there. This will require counseling.
I am guessing you are pretty much on your own so financially you don't think you can find help. This means that even if you don't feel like doing it, you need to do something for yourself anyways, there is always some help out there that you can get hooked into if you can't afford to pay to see Dr.s yourself or don't have insurance through work. If you are a college student, talk to the school health person and ask them to point you in the right direction. You can always talk to your Pastor/Priest and ask them to help you get connected to mental health agencies....let an older adult who does help people with all kinds of issues including spiritual guidance, help you. If you don't attend church, pick one close by and call the church office and tell them you don't attend but you need someone you can get to help you so you need to see the pastor. I mention this because I know churches do care about issues like this and will help. I used to attend a larger church that actually had two certified mental health practitioners on staff and you could make appointments with them or go elsewhere.
I mention churches in case you don't want to go to your local DSHS office. Department of State Health Services. You can find them in a phone directory or if anyone you know uses food stamps, ask them where it is. This is an office that helps with getting food stamps and health care related issues handled as well as setting you up with housing for those who need to be referred to get low income housing. If its something they don't fully handle, they can get the ball rolling and set you up with the right agency if you are low income or don't have any income. You may be assigned to a social worker who will do what they can to get you the help you need. I used to do caregiving and my clients had to see DSHS or social workers regularly. When my husband broke his leg, we ended up needing help from DSHS ourselves. You do not need money to see them. Its on a walk in basis and you will be seen according to when you came in, like people waiting at the driver licensing office. It gets real busy and you can spend a long time waiting so I recommend this as your best choice and that you show up right as they open the office in the morning as the amount of people waiting, grows real quickly.
I do hope you go there, even if you don't feel you can trust anyone yet, this is their job, to hook you up with help if you have no money. Write back and let me know how the process of your finding mental health help goes.
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Your question is one long rant making it a bit hard to read and understand just what you are asking. I will tell you this that depression is an inherited illness. If mom is depressed there is a good chance you and or any of your siblings would get depression.
There are two types of depression. The normal type that comes and goes never gets out of control or two deep. Then there is the other type of depression, the type that comes on and hangs on. The type that could make you feel like you have fallen into a black hole.
The best thing to do to find out if you suffer from depression is to make an appointment with your family doctor for a complete physical. You need the physical to rule out any physical reason for how you are feeling. Tell your doctor that you want to be screened for depression while you are there. The screening is the doctor asking you a number of question from which a diagnoses can be made.
If the doctor finds you are depressed the doctor may chose to treat you rather then send you to a psychiatrist. My suggestion is if diagnosed with depression you seek the help of a Board Certified Psychiatrist. This is a medical who has undergone special training to deal with psychiatric problems and to properly diagnose the types of problems.
IF you are diagnosed with Clinical Depression, which is most common, you are not mentally ill. Clinical depression is caused by a lack of one or more chemicals that secrete into the brain. One reason why a psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat you medically. You also need to see a psychologist for talk therapy. Through talk therapy you get to the root cause of your depression. What it is that is so harming you that it over comes the bodies natural ability to secrete sufficient hormones to keep you balanced.
My suspicion is that the root cause is seated in how you have been treated for most of your life. Through talk therapy you will learn a better way to deal with this then you have been.
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