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Repairing an old and dear friendship
I am a 72 year old Canadian heterosexual woman divorced for over 40 years, mother of one daughter, grandmother of 2, living on my own for about 20 years. I have a woman friend with whom I was very close for several years. The closeness began to deteriorate d/t various moves and changes in life journeys over the years and my own tendency to be reclusive. She and her sister moved about 300 km away about 8 years ago. We rarely see each other anymore, no longer are daily witnesses to each other's lives, meeting on a once a year weekend visit which includes her sister and other new friends and once a year pre-Christmas visit with a group of other old friends of hers, acquaintances of mine. I have not had more than 2 hours alone with her in all that time. I can't help still considering her my best friend but there seems to be a vast emptiness that I can't overcome. On our recent Christmas visit, I took something she said to me as a very personal affront and reacted with a very hurtful comment of my own, in the presence of some of her other friends. This occurred just before we were all setting out to return to our various homes, and she avoided all of us until we had said our goodbyes in the parking lot and I left in my car. I have emailed everyone to apologize for my behaviour and received many comforting words of the "this always happens with family" and "this too shall pass" variety, but I don't think any of them really understand how much I have hurt my dear, precious friend and how difficult it is for me to know what to do now. I told her in an email I would send her a more meaningful handwritten letter and have begun to compose many in my head. I want desperately to save this relationship but don’t know where to start. Words of wisdom needed.
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If I am reading this correctly, you emailed and plan to mail a letter. Have you actually called and talked to her? There are some things that are better said vocally,spoken, not written. I tell those wanting to dump a gf or bf that it is better to do so in person than an email. With that situation, it looks like the chicken way out. I can't say that is the same for you or if she sees it that way.
If she is somewhere in the same age range, I am surprised that she is still holding a grudge and not responding. After all, when we all get older, we really have no guarantee how long we will still be around to tell a loved one or friend how much we love them. When you say recent visit, I am assuming you mean this year 2017 and its not 2016 pre Christmas gathering. If it's just happened, then perhaps she needs more time to get over her hurt.
I am a bit younger than you but I have had times when every member of my family except my brother got offended at something I said or did that was twisted around to be a story of stuff I never did. I should have had plenty of reason to be angry with them but I chose to stay in my peace maker mode. Imagine your own mother stopping talking to you, ignoring you for a year 1/2 and we worked in the same building, not same department. Everyone noticed how my mom avoided me. I will the details to show you how silly the reasons are sometimes and how I could do nothing to change it. Mom was already divorced and dating and one day told me she was marrying the guy. If he made her happy, I was happy for her and told her so. I was about 21, 22 and married. So all my siblings were younger. My sisters reacted like the teens they were and jumped up and down for joy, both of them and shrieked and clapped for joy. Just because I did not react exactly the same way, Mom felt I was not genuine. I was puzzled that a person old enough to know better would assume such a thing and take personal affront with me. A woman at work who was a friend began to give me extra attention so I would have some woman older than myself to still talk to but it wasn't Mom. I honored her wishes and did not speak to her. Eventually, she came around after a long time, getting over her hurt and just calling me to talk normally as if we spoke just earlier in the week with no apology.
I had little kids and a fireplace. Dad brought us wood for our fireplace, someone was getting rid of their chopped logs. I appreciated it so much but he never came across another deal like that and one day saw a pile of construction wood, with old paint and lots of nails sticking out and dumped it in my yard. I had already had a chimney fire for burning construction wood in a pinch and I knew it wasn't good cus our chimney cleaner told us so. So I had asked Dad to no longer bring us any construction wood he found. Then when I came home one day to find a 3 ft high pile spread out over about 3 ft by 6 ft with odd boards laying in the long spring grass, I couldn't let the kids out to play because they could get hurt. Dad wouldn't take it back. I had to clear it away myself and in doing so, I even stepped on a hidden board and the nail went into my boot but never made it inside to pierce my foot. So it was truly dangerous. He was upset that I 'rejected' his help, put a different spin on the story. I never yelled or said anything mean but that is what he shared with my siblings and his church friends, some who knew me. He stopped talking to me for months and my youngest sister who was the only local sibling, took up his cause and stopped talking to me as well, hanging up on me. I remained calm and just waited for a long time to let them get over their hurt. One day, I didn't plan it but one child did something so cute and funny I knew she would laugh too and without a thought, I called and told her the story and she didn't hang up this time and laughed. She never apologized and I never brought up the fact that she had snubbed me for so long. Once she was talking with me again, Dad came around too.
Now mine were family, not friends but friends can be close as family sometimes, so you can see that people are not perfect. Sometimes, even a God fearing Christian type can lose hold of reality and what is really important and treat you different or hold a grudge. No, it's not God like behavior but none of us are anywhere that close to being like God. I believe you simply need to give her more time to get over it. I hope hearing my story with happy endings can give you hope with your friend. If I were the offending party and stopped talking to family or friend and let too much time go by, I know that the more time I let go by without making contact, I would feel more embarrassed and awkward to even make the first move and reconnect. I don't know your friend, but it seems to be human nature for many that the one holding a grudge, once they get over it, still may not make the first move to pick up the relationship where it was left off, for the very reason that they feel awkward and the more time passed, the harder it gets for them to make the first move. So periodically, contact her and see if she responds. If not, she's still brooding. Do not expect once she's over it to want to make the first move. You will have to. Once you've connected back with her and she seems to be her happy self, but she doesn't refer to what brought on the separation, don't bring it up either and do not expect an apology or explanation. What is more important, your ego being stroked by hearing explanations or apologies for ignoring your attempts to make things right, or simply having your friend back on friendly terms with you? I know how important learning to forgive others is, but it is a process we all need to go through and learn among other things and not all of us learn at the same rate and some very nice people never learn some things like that in an entire lifetime. LIfe is too short to take offense, or carry guilt for a long time or a life time. This is the best thing I can share from my own life experience. I know it will take patience, and lots of waiting on your part, but think positive that the friendship will be one day back to the way it was, expect it and most likely in time, you'll find she responds back in friendly terms. If she does bring it up, tell her you don't want to dwell on the past and want to let bygones remain bygones, that you are sorry you lost it but life is short and what matters more to you is having her back in your life. I am sure she would agree and be glad to drop that subject.
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You start with "I am truly sorry for what I said, I know I have hurt you and want to make amends." "Our friendship is too dear to me to let it end this way."
Then you go on to say that she said something that you took as hurtful and responded in kind which was wrong of you but was a knee jerk reaction. Use your own words but along those lines.
You two live 300KM apart or about 150 miles. I would suggest to meet somewhere in the middle for the day or maybe a weekend just the two of you. Making this suggestion would be a great Segway into tell her how much you miss the one on one time you use to have with he and how this would be a great time to catch up and possible plan some together outings.
My sister has some very close friends, one in particular that live on the other side of the country. At least once a year, more often now that they are both retired, they meet and go on vacation together. They have so far been on two cruises, been to Italy, Scotland on Great Britain and are presently planning another.
I don't know if your finances will allow for you two to travel like that but I am sure if you put your heads together you can come up with some time and places you can go together and enjoy each others company just the two of you.
You can also what I've just written as a basis for you letter. If you think it is possible for the two of you to meet someplace halfway between you then I suggest you keep the letter simple and discuss what I wrote face to face.
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