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Am I a shitty friend?
Am I a shitty friend for having feelings for one of my best friends childhood friends? I am a 17yr old female and most of my friends are guys (I just dont get along with girls). One of my best friends is a 17yr boy named alex. Alex used to have a big big crush on me for almost an entire year. He grew up being family friends and playing baseball with this beautiful boy named Grant. Grant is 17, blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'3, has a 4.0 GPA, swims, plays baseball, and plays soccer. He's literally perfect in my eyes. Grant and I have tried to plan things together, like getting sushi or chick-fil-a but never go through with it. Grant is beyond kind to me, he'll have swim practice at 4 in the morning or have just come back from a meet and will still stay up with me until 1 or 3 in the morning playing truth or dare or just talking. He's genuinely a good guy. We started chatting in June of 2017 and both wanted each other so bad. Idk how he feels now but i still want him. Should I feel bad? Should I try to distance myself from Grant?
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If you're not dating Alex and he is just a friend there is no reason why you can't date Grant. Just be sure that what started as a childhood friendship has not turned in to a desire for more then just friendship for Alex especially if you want to keep Alex as a friend.
There is another thing to consider and something you might tell Alex if he does have feelings for you that you don't have for him. The best way to ruin a true friendship between a guy and a gal is for the two to date and try to have a relationship. Even more so if the relationship becomes sexual in any way.
If you don't have any feeling for Alex in that way I would suggest you say so if you have not already. Once you have told him that you value your friendship with him over any type of love relationship. Then you are definitely free to date Grant. For you have made sure Alex knows where his place with you is.
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I rhink you hav in the back of your mind the unspoken rule females have to not date your girl friends ex, which I find to be a bunch of crap.
I understand being a female who makes friends easier with males than females. In fact such a casual male friend is seated across from me right now at Starbucks, on his pc too after we chatted a bit.
I can relate to a few females but its mostly males and my husband also makes friends or prefers chatting with females than guys.
So nothing wrong with it.
The only issue might be if a guy pretending to be just a friend actually has the kind of feelings for you that are 'more than a friend'. IF Alex still has feelings for you but is keeping it quiet, he may feel disturbed to see you have chosen to hang out with one of the other guys since he knows Grant at least. Matching up with others isn't always what we'd think of as fair but there is a scientific reason we end up being attracted to certain people and not others, even if all are handsome cute, smart and treat you right. It's called chemistry and I relate that to having pheromones that are closer to the same or totally different in which case, the couple is not a good match and will lose interest in each other. Since this is something not taught and teens don't really know or understand this, they can go through several dating partners before they get it right and that may not happen until later in ones 20's.
In older couples with very happy long lasting relationships, you'll often see they are not just best of friends but best romantic and sexual matches as well. Its important to start as best of friends and when the feelings grow to something more, then the only way to know is to become romantically involved to see if it works for you. If a guy wants to spend time with you and still is doing the same, then he is still interested. If you are saying Grant showed interest in June but more recently, he is not a part of your life as far as hanging out together, then its very possible he's already lost interest, and that might be due to not having a strong enough chemistry with you.
The only way you are going to learn what you really like and don't like in a guys personality, behavior and how he treats you is to hang out and also to date. If one or both of you lose interest or one dumps the other, then look for the good points he had in the next guy and always go for someone a step better rather than settling for the same or for less. SO it doesn't really matter how long you date, just that you learn things from each guy you date. I understand you can't think of anyone beyond Grant right now but distancing yourself would not be a very forward moving experience. You need to start having bf's to learn so why not ask him if he's a really good friend. The way to do so is to do it without pressure and giving the guy a natural out if he doesnt feel the same as you do. So you ask: Hey Grant, we've been doing really well as friends, and it makes me wonder if we'd do well as more than friends. What do you think?"
This way you haven't declared having feelings for him or being in love, just wanting to try for more and see how it goes (more along the lines of a science experiment) in how its presented. This way, if he wants to be a bf he'll say it sounds like a good idea. And if he doesn't feel the same way, he'll say he doesn't think it would work or you should just stay friends.
That way you can still be friends if a guy doesn't feel the same way about you without him feeling so awkward now around you that he stops being your friend.
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